Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

Men wearing clothes to make them feel sexy?

As in clothing that emphases muscles, creates a more masculine frame etc?

Why is this men feeling sexy = feminine sexy?

Gay men (the very masculine types) know about sexy male clothing, and it has nothing to do with cross-dressing.

Nobody needs to get out more.

I find the idea of a man getting his kicks by wearing underwear specifically designed for women repulsive. Nobody, including you, has the right to tell me I'm wrong in finding it repulsive.

I bet you'd complain about being kink shamed. Well it cuts both ways - don't try shaming posters who aren't in to it.

I’m not shaming anyone or saying they need to be into it. It fine to say it gives you the ick (although is the level of ick expressed super sensitive on this particular thread by the OP? Not really) It’s more the number of people saying this is the start of coming out as trans or AGP, or assuming he will force his kink on her (after keeping it secret for six years!) It’s just a wild overreaction to something that really isn’t likely to be that big a deal.

Cant be sure unless it happens to me, but I dont think I'd be bothered. Its underwear so nobody sees it. Elasticity and stretch are important comfort factors.
Why on earth do manufacturers put bows on, anyway??

I'd get rid of him purely because if there's anything about you a partner should know (which includes sexual kinks IMO) you tell them before you move in together, not afterwards when they one day find out by accident! It's disrespectful OP and if you openly tolerate someone disrespecting you, they tend to do it more and more. It isn't harmless, it knocks your self esteem, because if you're tolerating someone disrespecting you you're by default also disrespecting yourself. Don't do that to yourself. Don't tear yourself down just to raise up this sorry excuse for a human being. If he feels small and ashamed it's because he has done something wrong, lied by omission about who he really is. You don't have to fix this for him by acting like everything is fine. He's deceived you. It's not ok.

I have said nothing about trans or AGP. An adult man getting his kicks this way is simply repulsive regardless of anything else.

And your "need to get out more" was intended to shame.

Beautifully put.

We were away once for a long weekend but he'd not brought enough - I always bring extra (especially when I'm due on) and threw him a pair of mine to put on.

He's already included you in his kink unwittingly. You don't even need all the fingers on one hand to count the numbers of underwear needed for one weekend. I'd say it was deliberate so he could get away with wearing women's underwear on your trip with what looked like a valid excuse.

"I don't want to throw away X number of years just because..."

...of sunk cost fallacy, the reason people (mostly women) stay in relationships that aren't right for them far longer than they should.

All this "not sure" nonsense from him, I don't believe it for a second. He just doesn't want to say yes for the same reason he didn't tell you he wears women's underwear in the first place. He's minimising all over the place. It's just more dishonesty.

“What’s the difference between a woman wearing boxers and a man wearing women’s knickers?”

An erection, usually.

Women wear things to feel sexy because other people find them attractive. They’re not putting them on to masturbate in.
Men wearing knickers is all about them being sexually aroused by themselves wearing something.

It’s all part of a misogynistic, humiliation fetish.

Men wear knickers under their normal clothes to be able to covertly bring their sexual kink out into public and have people unknowingly, and without their consent, involved in their sexual kink.

It’s not about comfort. Not one tiny part of it is for comfort.

Would be curious to know why he chose bows and lace? I mean I get that fabric ‘feels’ nice against your skin but there are many many choices of women’s underwear that don’t have bows and lace. This suggests that it’s more than about the fabric. Anyone who didn’t want to wear women’s underwear but was tempted to because the fabric was softer would buy the least feminine looking women’s underwear they could find.

There’s no way women’s knickers are more comfortable for a man. There’s simply no room for their genitals in women’s knickers.

The OP has contradicted themselves over this. The last post saying that hers were too big for him as she made him try them on to find out if he's ever worn hers. Even though they had apparently been wearing each other's a lot before, such as a long weekend away.

There seems to be excessive detail in the posts about how he buys them, what he looks for etc. Seems to be a lot of detail for someone to recall second-hand.

Others have asked, and reading back the posts, I gain a feeling that the OP isn't the partner, but the man himself coming up with stories to tell MN.

Ignorantly put I’d say. Just look at the amount of LTB comments in here, how creepy and disgusting he is, how ick-inducing his fetish is. Men know this is how some women feel about this particular fetish. Do you REALLY think he’s going to feel comfortable being open about it?! Of course not. It’s perfectly fine to have a private sexual fetish that you don’t want to tell your partner about for fear of judgement.

Very well put 👏

Do you have a problem with women having their own boundaries?

I think he is creepy and repulsive. And no I don't think it's fine for a partner to have fetishes unless both are comfortable with them.

So to op’s point number 2 on her list. If he is buying ones with bows and frills and lace he’s not buying them for comfort.

Plus you can have whatever kinks or fetishes you like as long as it’s legal. But nobody has to join in if they don’t want to.

He's also explicitly acknowledged it is sexual ly exciting and yet deemed it appropriate wear for charity events with children present and for being introduced to the Princess of Wales.

Just look at the amount of LTB comments in here, how creepy and disgusting he is, how ick-inducing his fetish is.

Understandably so. It is a creepy and disgusting fetish and it's a perfectly reasonable reaction to be repelled by it. He should expect to feel uncomfortable.

It’s perfectly fine to have a private sexual fetish that you don’t want to tell your partner about for fear of judgement.

The problem is, many of these creeps are not content to keep it private. They find ways to involve unwilling participants in their fetish.

It starts with "forgetting" to take enough pants on a weekend away. A normal man who had genuinely forgotten would rinse a pair he had already worn, or buy new ones.

Only a pervert wanting an unwilling participant in his fetish would want to borrow a pair from his wife.

Most of us would not want to hang around waiting for the fetish to accelerate. They might not necessarily go to extreme lengths, but AGP is often a progressive fetish and many AGPs need to accelerate to keep the thrill going. That's why many of them are middle-aged or elderly before they make their fetish public.

There is always the possibility that an understanding (or a controlled or coerced) wife will start off "being kind" only to find her husband is never content.

Things progress slowly at first, but eventually she's suffering the public humiliation of pretending she doesn't mind that her husband is calling himself Letitia, expecting everyone to pretend he's a woman and he's forcing her to take him down to the village hall to join the Women's Institute. All the while pretending she is happy being in a "lesbian" relationship with him.

Admittedly they don't all go that far, but why hang around with a creep when you could leave him and find a decent man who is happy in his own grundies?

I agree. I haven't got a single pair of knickers with bows and prefer plain, functional underwear yet I've never tried on men's underpants either. If he likes compression there are plenty of close fitting men's briefs and also 'anatomically-holding' briefs available. I just don't buy that it is all about comfort.

Yes.

Mumsnet: why has he hidden this from you, that's such a red flag
Also Mumsnet: this is revolting and makes me want to vomit, you should leave him

Arguably, if he knew she would detest it then he had even more of an obligation to inform her.

This happened with my partner, I asked why he felt he had the right to keep it from me. It transpired that he felt I would hate it so decided not to tell me. So he basically strung me along, me like an idiot, none the wiser with a guy who did something behind my back he knew I would be disgusted by.

I'm sorry but in my book that's no different to openly stating you hate drugs so your partner hiding his drug use in order to keep you (by stealth, easentially).

People have the right to know who they are in a relationship with.

Trophies, maybe? One from every woman he's ever shagged?

Well, he was quite right to hide it from you because if this thread is reflective of reality, most women would end a relationship over this.

It wouldn't bother me and I'd let him get on with it personally - I think we are all entitled to a bit of privacy and a bit of bodily autonomy - in fact I'd end a relationship myself with any partner who felt they had the right to pry into, and dictate, my underwear choices.

I might ask him to take them off prior to intimacy, if I found them really off-putting. But that's as far as I'd go.

Dear OP. Your biggest mistake so far has been posting this in a social media outlet. Can you not figure this out for yourself?