To end my two friendships over this? (Pregnancy)

[Fluffymop]

I recently found out I was pregnant, and although I’m only 7 weeks I’m excited. No cramping and no blood or anything. So far so good.

i have two best friends. (They don’t know each other)- but both have reacted terribly.

My first friend has reacted the strangest. I told her because we talk every single day, do things together often and my partner works away and family are quite far, so thought it would be good for someone to know. I’ve been there for her through everything, break ups, her dad’s illness, driving to hospitals at 4am, lent her money when she’s been short. Helped her move house.

So when I told her her first comment was “well don’t get attached as there’s a 50% likelihood you’ll miscarry” so I agreed, though don’t believe it’s that high, but said that of course I’ll be cautious until 12 weeks. She then proceeded to ignore me for 9 days. We usually speak daily on WhatsApp. I didn’t actually mind the peace but then she sent me a long message saying that I had basically ruined her life. She wants children (she’s in a brand new relationship). She can’t control her emotions or anger towards my situation and will be fine as long as baby is never mentioned. That she can’t put into words how she feels but she isn’t pleased at all. She just kept saying repeatedly she’s struggling with her emotions.

She has never struggled with infertility or anything and has been on birth control for the last fifteen years. Of course, if this was the case then I’d have been more sensitive. There’s no reason to suggest she couldn’t fall next month. I now feel just bitter and upset towards her. And made to feel guilty for being pregnant even though I’m a woman in her mid thirties and own my own home etc.

Next friend, bit more understandable. She had an ectopic 17 years ago. I had to tell her as we had a holiday to the US booked two weeks after my expected due date. She was fine but said that she wouldn’t be able to speak to me until baby is here. I sadly said that’s fine and have given her space.

but I just feel upset. I’m not expecting anyone to jump for joy. End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, but I’ve stuck by these two people through thick and thin. I’ve been there at 4am through breakups, driven hours to pick them up places, just always been a loyal and good friend and both have cut me out because I’m pregnant. We are mid 30’s by the way.

It’s making me feel like even if I go to my 12 week scan and my pregnancy isn’t successful. I dont want to be their friends anymore? AIBU?

I’d give grace to a friend dealing with infertility or loss but I’m stuggling to see why your friends have such an issue with it. Even going though loss, I’d never treat a friend like that to be honest.

You said friend 1 is bitter and struggles with being happy for others - that’s not a good friend.

Messaging you to say be careful because 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage is 1) untrue statistics and 2) really odd thing for someone to say

Your friend 2 doesn’t sound much better

Cancel the holiday and ditch the friends as they are nasty psychotic cows. Honestly, do not talk to them again as this behaviours is so fucked up.

Awful from both of them. One of my friends fell pregnant (unexpectedly and without trying) soon after I miscarried, I was a teensy bit emotional but never ever let her know and wouldn’t dream of being so self centred. If they were your friends they would support you so I guess at least you know now. Even an ectopic 17 years ago is no excuse for not being able to talk to you, it’s ridiculous.

congrats OP, I hope you find better people to share this with.

What a horrid pair of women! I won’t call them friends because they are not. Neither of them has wished you well, but have been spiteful and extremely unkind. I would cancel the holiday immediately and loose the £100. And please don’t offer to pay the whole amount when she’s been so nasty to you! Then I would send them both a message saying how shocked and upset you were to receive such a nasty message at such a vulnerable time, and that you will truly struggle to get past their behaviour. And then mute them. Don’t reply to any other messages and ignore any phone calls. Personally that would be the end of the friendship for me.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

Both horrible. Honestly. What is wrong with people?

Jeezo, who needs enemies if these two are your friends op. I’m sorry you have experienced this, but.. these two have shown you who they truly are, believe them, and make new friends.good luck with the pregnancy.

Screw them both. They sounds like a bunch of bitches sorry!

Congratulations! Tell US everything! Let us be happy for you - I love seeing pregnancy news!

Is DP excited to be a dad? Ooh are you hoping for a boy or a girl? Any names you’re thinking about? Have you told family yet? Tell us all!

Firstly y congratulations 🥂. Now I don’t see a problem with them being jealous and backing off slightly. It’s horrific having infertility and seeing your close friends getting pregnant and having your dream. I’ve backed off from some of mine and it’s normal . Yours however have reacted badly. Block them both

I'd ditch them both, I find it ridiculous when people behave like this, even if they can't have children there's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. I'd end both friendships to be honest. Congratulations, don't be made to feel bad about your happy news.

Congratulations on your news 😊
Their behaviour is dire. I watched every single one of my friends get pregnant and have babies while I was single until my early 40’s when I adopted. I have never felt bitterness towards them, and was pleased things had worked out well
for them. yes I get the odd pang of ‘why not me’ but I am content overall because I have accepted that you can always get what you want!. I think your friends’ behaviour shows a real lack of resilience and emotional intelligence. I honestly am consistently staggered at some of the behaviour I hear these days. Feels like a lot of people have basic human/life skills missing!

This, pretty much!

Well, I've never met you, or likely to ever meet you, but I'm over the moon for you. Enjoy every minute!

And get new friends.

Oh I am so sorry! Congratulations!!!!! So exciting!

This sort of happened to me when we told my mother in law that I was pregnant with our second, planned child as a married couple in thirties with permanent jobs and all the things. Her face was like thunder and she kept saying 'well its going to be a lot of work'. Then she forced me to tell my sister in law by saying in front of her 'So are you going to tell this "news"?' I told my sister in law who was very happy for me and MIL sat there with such an angry face and kept saying it would be a lot of work. Then my MIL met my mum, and my mum said about what lovely news it was etc and again MIL said 'Its going to be a lot of work'. I went through my pregnancy with a horrible, weird sense of shame and didn't want to tell anyone after that. It made me really sad and I actually told my friend in work to tell everyone as I felt so embarrassed. I actually feel like crying now when I think about it!

Anyway my husband made her apologise the next time I saw her, when I was around 4 months .I could tell she was remorseful as she was tearing up, and I am glad she did. I forgave her but wish I had have told her exactly how much her words had hurt me.

All this to say that your friendship cannot survive this but I would let them both know how much they have hurt you before ending the friendships. I am so sorry but they have shown you who they are.

What awful "friends" treating you like that.
Congrats on your pregnancy OP!

Congratulations @Fluffymop ! I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy and birth. Stay positive, enjoy the good bits and apologise to no one for being excited.

As for these two women, you need better friends. These are not normal reactions and they are a major red flag. If it were me I’d be wondering if they are secretly hoping something goes wrong, so I wouldn’t be able to carry on the friendship with just that alone. You will make some lovely new mummy friends, join up to some classes and groups. Tell
them their reactions are appalling and you need space from their negativity and they should think about how they’ve behaved. Then block and move on.

you and your friend had an incredibly intense relationship. You should never have held off doing anything and you shouldn't have felt 'betrayed'. It is all a-bit pathetic really.

How weird, especially from friend number one. I would bin both of them, you dont need this shit in your life.
Congratulations on your pregnancy news BTW 👏 🥰

I would ditch this pair. They aren't very supportive. What unkind things to say.

"have they reciprocated EVER? Or are you always the one being supportive and they like that ….".

Exactly what I was wondering.

Also.. I could perhaps understand their reaction if you'd talked about nothing but pregnancy every time you met.. but their answers came immediately, and were cold and disapproving. So they already knew how they felt.. and had already decided to abandon you if you couldn't devote your full attention to THEM.

I couldn't believe that you could offer to pay for your full holiday so that the friend wouldn't have to go alone and could take someone else... on your dime. ie you were compensating her for the fact that you were pregnant. Maybe understandable if it was happening next week.. but this is over nine months away. Plenty of time to change plans.
And in return you received Bone Silence... how horrible. Dont you dare pay towards her holiday or worry about finding a replacement. The lost £100 deposit is £100 well spent and you owe her nothing.

I think that you must have been far too giving to these "friends" as both of them have reacted in the same callous way and you need perhaps to work on safeguarding yourself so that people don't take advantage of you.

Any real friend, or even kind acquaintance/work colleague would wish you well under the circumstances. Friend 1 was a miserable cow about your news. Friend 2 is busy thinking how massively inconvenient to her.

I would find it very hard to get past such behaviour, especially since it has come as such a surprise to you.

I'm so sorry OP.. I know how hurtful it can be when people behave cold and uncaring to the fact that you are pregnant and looking forward to it, but your baby will bring you so much more joy that these two cold fish ever will.

At the same time, read up on assertiveness, not to make yourself less generous but to be able to deal more confidently with Cheeky Fs like these two harpies who have taken from your generous nature over and over again, but can't even find enough goodwill towards you to mumble "congratulations."

F### them. They are not friends.

Nah that’s shit. Raise the friendship bar OP! Get more emotionally mature friends. Even if they feel it, they could be more tactful and phrase it differently. Believe it or not your pregnancy isn’t about their feelings.

End of the day nobody is really excited for a baby other than family, shame that you’ve been made to feel that. I’ve been happy and excited for countless friends during their pregnancies.

@Fluffymop congratulations.
Hope everything goes smoothly for you .
I’ve had my fair share of baby heart ache and I’d never treat a friend like this .

You deserve better friends They have shown who they are now leave them too it .

💯 this ☝️

First friend I'd ditch by sending her this message " You say I've ruined your life , I'll improve mine by blocking you . Goodbye "

2nd friend is a little more complicated , I'd give her space after texting to say you feel disappointed in her reaction and maybe she'd like to contact you when she processes it but you will leave the friendship until / if she contacts you .

Congratulations on your pregnancy .

How did you ever get saddled with the most selfish pair of people. Ditch them both, right now, send a msg and explain how you feel, then block the pair of them. I am genuinely in shock over their behaviour.

They both sound vile, jealous and spiteful, I can’t believe you would do anything other thank block them and put them in the last. Good luck with your pregnancy 🤰