If you don’t drive your world is much smaller

[Imreallyokayipromise]

I have a friend who doesn’t drive, for many reasons (anxiety, dyslexia) she also doesn’t use public transport so her world seems very small to me. She has a small child who doesn’t leave the house unless they are going to nursery school. Her partner drives but never seems to want to go anywhere either and she has to make all her plans around him and get permission and everytime we discuss it I just feel like she has no independence and her world is so small. It really got me thinking that if you can drive so many possibilities open up and your world becomes much bigger. Even if it’s just doing your own food shop or visiting a friend.

Depends where you live. If you were in a London it would make no difference whatsoever. Rurally it’s very limiting.

Her world is small due to anxiety.

Wait, no public transport? Why? That’s the really odd bit.

Her world is small because she has severe anxiety and a controlling partner.

Sounds like her wold would be small even if she did drive.

Her world is small due to not using public transport.

I don't think it's the lack of driving that's making your friends world small.

Ultimately, v area dependent.

It’s not the driving that’s the issue here it’s the anxiety and controlling partner.

Depends where you live I guess but I think her anxiety is making her world smaller that not driving.

i can drive if I have to but I don’t like to. I get around just fine on foot or using public transport most days and if anything I feel travelling like that opens up your world more than just driving, I see things and meet people I wouldn’t if I was just stuck in a car.

You are right. I can't drive due to what is now called an invisible disability (just cannot judge speed and distance - that part of brain doesn't work. I can't catch a ball or cross a road easily if there is traffic around.) When I was growing up, there was no rewcognition of this as a problem that could be helped - I was just the classic last-to-be-picked-for-sport clumsy person.

It means DH and I always have to choose to live somewhere with good transport and local amenities. There are things I'd love to do locally which I can't do because they are not accessible by public transport. They are a 10 minute drive or a 45 minute walk either way which means a fitness class takes the best part of 3 hours. I hate relying on friends. DH is a saint about driving me - he does recognise it's a disability and says he'd be terrified if I got behind a wheel. But I hate taking him for granted.

But your friend's life doesn't need to be so small. She should use public transport or get a bike.

It’s not the lack of ability to drive, it’s anxiety and being unwilling to make effort that is making your friends world small. Unless she lives somewhere with especially difficult public transport then there’s no reason she can’t walk or use busses and trains. It just takes more effort.

I don't drive because of epilepsy. I live a fifteen minute walk from a bus station and a twenty minute walk from a train station. I pay for a taxi occasionally, which of course costs much much less than running a car. I walk most journeys less than four round miles, which is good for me. I travel a lot, for work, family and leisure.

Your friend may live somewhere where all of these things aren't possible but for many people, driving really isn't that important.

Agreed - I have spent many happy hours gazing out of bus, coach and train windows. I can drive but find it a pain sometimes (bus lanes, cameras, other idiots on the road).
It is the anxiety and dependency on her DH that is the problem

Was going to say exactly the same.

Of course it's different if you live in the middle of nowhere, then you'd most likely need a car

I live in London and do drive. But I also get public transport as it’s nigh on impossible to park in some areas (and expensive).

YANBU. I live rurally, in an area with no public transport and nothing in walkable distance. The only option is very expensive taxis. It's very isolating and depressing.

I can't wait to get my licence.

I never thought he was controlling in that sense to be honest, but maybe thinking about it he could be. He isn’t the best father from what she tells me and everything child related is down to her. Since he’s the only one that drives it’s up to him when and where they go so she’s often disappointed when he says he doesn’t want to go somewhere she really wanted to go.

Exactly! I don't drive because I had panic attacks so I stopped before killing someone/myself. I do take public transport though which works fine where I live.

YABU - her driving has nothing to do with it because she wouldn't go anywhere anyway.

I don’t drive, and DH and I don’t have a car, but it doesn’t impinge on our lives at all. But we live in London, with buses, trains, tubes galore. Visiting my elderly parents over 200 miles away is easier and quicker by train.

Yes you’re probably right, the anxiety is the issue really unfortunately. I just couldn’t live like that myself. I thought maybe if she learnt to drive she could have abit of independence.

Your friend sounds like a pain in the arse, why doesn’t she even use public transport?

Anxiety obviously makes it a lot worse. But there's no denying a car gives you more options. You may choose to restrict yourself for all sorts of reasons of course, just like I choose to be vegetarian, and limit my food options that way. But it is clearly more restrictive not to drive.

I know someone who didn’t drive because of anxiety, relied on husband to go anywhere and so on. She did eventually learn to drive. Still doesn’t go anywhere. It was never anxiety (or her husband) that was the problem. She is just quite a lazy person.

It's not the driving, it's the going out in the world.

I didn't drive through my children's childhoods but we got buses and trains to absolutely everywhere, and we walked a lot. It wasn't a problem.

People who look outward will overcome obstacles. People who look inward will be constrained by them.

Kids love buses and trains, there's taxis as well although obviously there's higher costs.

She doesn't have to be reliant on him, and in an ideal world she shouldn't be.

I think there's more to this than you've seen so far, and it's nothing to do with driving.

FWIW if she's massively anxious, it's better she doesn't drive, because anxious drivers are dangerous.