If you don’t drive your world is much smaller

[Imreallyokayipromise]

I have a friend who doesn’t drive, for many reasons (anxiety, dyslexia) she also doesn’t use public transport so her world seems very small to me. She has a small child who doesn’t leave the house unless they are going to nursery school. Her partner drives but never seems to want to go anywhere either and she has to make all her plans around him and get permission and everytime we discuss it I just feel like she has no independence and her world is so small. It really got me thinking that if you can drive so many possibilities open up and your world becomes much bigger. Even if it’s just doing your own food shop or visiting a friend.

It’s not the driving thing it’s the fact she won’t use public transport. I couldn’t drive until I was 40 but I always lived close to transport links so my world was a completely normal size

That poor child

I live rurally, so my world woukd be tiny without a car. But when my kids were young, I had no car and chose to live somewhere with reasonable public transport and walkability.

And I’m planning to go back to that - which will mean significant compromises now as it did then - so my world does not shrink now that I’m ageing towards not driving.

So I agree with others: it’s not the lack of driving, it’s the anxiety and being married to a twat.

I disagree, I don't drive. I find people who do tend to drive when they could walk or take public transport..I have spoken to some very interesting people while on a bus or waiting at a bus stop and seen more of my environment by walking instead of driving.
When my children were small they loved going on day trips on the train or bus. They didn't suffer because I don't drive.
I don't think my world is any smaller than my non driving friends.I would never live anywhere where I can't walk to a shops and if I want to go somewhere I can't get to on public transport I can always take a taxi.
Your friends issue is not because she doesn't drive it sounds deeper than that if she won't get public transport.

I think you will end up with more votes for YANBU, many people start driving early and don't bother with alternative ways of travelling because driving (if you're not anxious etc) is much easier and then they become reliant on their car.

I'm 67, have never driven and travel extensively all over the place including internationally.

Your friends Real problem is not using public transport.

Don’t blame your friend - have compassion - she has anxiety and an awful controlling partner

My stepdad has an allotment which which is a good 15-20 mins walk. There’s one bus which travels 2-3 stops to it and another bus which travels 2 stops to near his home. He will often get these buses rather than drive or walk due to convenience (and Freedom pass). Same as when he goes to the gym, there’s a bus which goes 3 stops to the gym or he could walk or drive. He often gets the buses. He’s lucky that the buses are all fairly frequent.

I can kind of get the non-driving (although I find driving just makes life much easier), but refusing to go on public transport is bizarre. I just can't imagine being 100% reliant on a partner to go anywhere - that's giving up one's freedom and independence, which are both so precious.
(It's also very harsh on the child!).

My husband can’t drive, he has lived in three countries, there is only one continent he hasn’t visited. He has been to every EU country. Not driving only limits the life of people who choose to limit themselves. Do you really think all non-drivers have anxiety, can’t use public transport and have a controlling partner?

Her world is small due to anxiety.
My world is small because I can no longer drive and my physical health is poor meaning getting out usually means relying on others.
Its also limited because of where I live (partly my choice of most accessible home thats affordable in an area with good secondary school).
I think your world can be small for a number of reasons driving may be one of them but doesn't stop your world being small is often why you cant drive is the real reason. I miss the freedom of driving however if I was well enough I'd be able to use public transport (my dc do all the time) and my world wouldn't be so small.

Unfair and inaccurate to call her partner controlling just because he doesn’t want to be her taxi driver when he’s not at work.

I still think it depends where you live. To an extent, driving gives you independence. But so does living somewhere with lots of places in walking distance and good public transport links. If your friend lives where I do, she could have a lot of independence without a car.
I live 15 minutes walk from my village. There I can go to baby classes, meet friends for coffee/brunch/lunch/dinner. Browse the independent shops. I live a 10 minute walk from a supermarket. I live 20 minute walk from a huge park that has a petting zoo, boating lake, two playgrounds, and loads of trails to walk around. I live a five minute walk from a forest/ river. I also live a 10 minute walk from the tram stop, where I can get the tram into the city.

Her world is small because she has anxiety and won't use public transport, not because she doesn't drive.

I live rurally and while there's not much in our (very small) coastal town, you can hop on a train and be in Manchester and a few other cities in a couple of hours. I have lots of friends and family here who don't drive and they go all over.

That's pretty judgemental OP. I can't drive for medical reasons. The nearest public transport of 9 miles away. It sucks. But no-one owes you a reason.

Why doesn't she use public transport? I can sympathise in a way with her as I don't drive but DH does, and sometimes he'll turn around and say he can't be bothered going somewhere anymore. 🙄
If that happens though I'll get on a bus, or a train, and go out for the day without him.
I love taking myself off for the day (or with the kids) using public transport.
Is she extremely rural? No money? Or anxiety?

It's not the driving, it's the anxiety (and possibly the partner too). We live in a city, we don't drive, but we use public transport. Might be a different story if we lived rurally but we'd still get out and about somehow.

She's doing the right thing. There are far too many cars on the roads.
Lots of roads were not built to take cars either and that's why we have so many parking problems as well.

At least she will never have an accident or be in a road rage argument

Just seen this - it's not really about not being able to drive then, is it? It's her anxiety.
Maybe she doesn't drive due to anxiety? Which I can sympathise with, as I don't drive either - and if I'm honest with myself I've never really properly got into driving as I'm a bit of a nervous wreck behind a wheel 😬
If she won't even use public transport, then that's what's making her life even smaller, not the lack of driving.

Totally depends... in London I think that unless you have a disability, children or a job that requires it, you don't need to drive. I managed without until I learned to drive before having my second because 1 LO was fine on buses etc but I didn't want to deal with 2.

That said, not driving was a pain on my first mat leave - we attended an NCT group over a long weekend (I had a commitment that meant I couldn't do a long course) and I was the only non driver and I think one reason I never stayed in touch with the group is that I didn't drive and they were fairly spread out around North London (and cross-suburb is tricky on public transport). Not driving meant people wouldn't feel I was someone they could call on for help or something or I wasn't as available for ad hoc stuff.

Second mat leave was easier because of driving, definitely.

If she is such an anxious person would driving be right for her and the safety of other road users??

Umm I don’t drive. I live in a city and have managed to get food by myself for the last 25 years and also do pretty much everything I need or want to do. I go lots of places with my 4 year old daughter on the bus, train, planes. The occasional taxi. And sometimes we do go in the car which my other half drives but honestly not very often as we just don’t need to. Your friend may have a small world because of her anxiety but to suggest everyone who doesn’t drive has a diminished quality of life is a bit silly to be honest.

I don’t drive for a few reasons and have two young children (3 and 1) we go out almost every day.
Luckily we live in a town that has quite a bit going on more so in the warmer weather, but I take them on the bus and or train to go places on my own or to meet up with friends and family.
my partner drives but I certainly wouldn’t keep them in all week until he is around.
Food shopping, I have always had delivered anyway and on the occasion we all go then it’s fine in the car.

Yes. That's the reality of having a disability.

So many people moan about PIP & say 'what exactly does someone with anxiety spend it on'

There's your answer. Added costs such as taxis, increased costs as need to use nearest options eg convenience shops such as co - op cost more, not being able to make use of an offer for a kids day out or cheaper place so need to use the accessible one (always costs more).
Can't choose the best value deals for holidays or last minute cheaper deals.

Not being able to be flexible comes at a cost everywhere you go.

It's not necessarily smaller, but it is different.

We didn't have a car until ds was born.

So what we did was round where we could get to by public transport of walking. We went to all sorts of places - between train bus and walking it wasn't many things that we just discounted, but we did tend to go to places easy to reach.

I thought when I had a car we'd go far more places. We don't. We just go to different places.
I was thinking the other day that we've lived here for over 20 years and I've never gone straight on at a particular roundabout, for example.

Yes, we can do more of the look at a map and choose, but when it comes down to it, we often go back to the places we know that we like. It's not even a wider radius we go to - in fact going by train you can get further with less hassle once you're there, so if anything we probably go on average less far to one-off days out.