If you don’t drive your world is much smaller

[Imreallyokayipromise]

I have a friend who doesn’t drive, for many reasons (anxiety, dyslexia) she also doesn’t use public transport so her world seems very small to me. She has a small child who doesn’t leave the house unless they are going to nursery school. Her partner drives but never seems to want to go anywhere either and she has to make all her plans around him and get permission and everytime we discuss it I just feel like she has no independence and her world is so small. It really got me thinking that if you can drive so many possibilities open up and your world becomes much bigger. Even if it’s just doing your own food shop or visiting a friend.

Sitting in traffic jams is not pleasant, cycling is far more freeing

I think driving does open up more opportunities and gives you options to explore the countryside. I love National Trust places and a lot of those you would struggle together to without a car. Leaving where I do now, I am a 3 mile walk to a bus route that comes 4 times a day and it would probably take me over two hours from leaving my house to arriving at a station as I would need at least two buses

I was late learning to drive which wasn’t a huge issue when I lived in a different area but I used buses and trains so even if I couldn’t get to some quaint place in the countryside, I had lots to do.

My friends mother would drive but only 5 miles from the house, outside of rush hour and if it wasn’t dark, wet or snowing. She also wouldn’t go on public transport or let the dc on buses either. It was really hard on my friend. Her mum would walk her to school when it was raining when she h a driving licence and a car. Her dad was nice and would help when he wasn’t working but he had a long commute. It was all very weird. She wouldn’t fly or use a train or boat so no going abroad

I agree with others that in the example you gave, it is your friend's anxiety that is making her world smaller, but I do agree that in a lot of ways, your world is smaller if you can't drive.

I have had to surrender my licence due to my disability. I cannot walk as far as the bus stop, so public transport is not an option. I would love to be able to pop to the shops, but have to get my groceries delivered by Asda and buy other things from Amazon or other online retailers. I can't just take stuff to the tip any more, so have to rely on family or neighbours to do this for me. I can get hospital transport to take me to hospital appointments and can get a taxi anywhere I wish to go locally, but it isn't worth the cost of a taxi to go and have a mooch round a charity shop for example, or to go and buy a Too Good To Go bag, so I miss out on small trips like this.

It wouldn't be worth me getting a taxi to see family who live say 100 miles away and I couldn't cope with a taxi to the station, then a train to London, then tube trains across London and another train then taxi at the other side of London, so unless said family visit me, I don't get to see them. I would have happily driven to see them about 7 years ago.

Other younger and able bodied people I know are able to get a bus, train etc and travel hundreds of miles without any issue.

The reason her world is small is because she won't use public transport, has no economic independence and appears to be in an abusive relationship. Not driving is the least of the factors that is making her world small.

You know the only thing I hate about not being allowed to drive? Not being able to get stuff to the rubbish dump.

(You can't really ask a friend to do a job like that for you, and you need to let an awful lot pile up to make it worth and man and van's time)

So I suppose that's one way my world is smaller, but I'm fortunate not to be much affected apart from that.

As someone who doesn't drive, I'd say her world is shaped more by her health and partner than by not driving.

Choosing you home v work v school v shopping is important to enable a car free life but it can be done. I've managed to live in the middle of the moors and work in the city - just needed to choose which village carefully.

Plus it's worth remembering that around 20% of women with children don't have access to a car.

People who don't drive tend to set up their lives that way such as living in an area with good facilities including public transport.

I only started driving due to my disabled son having regular appointments/therapy 20+ miles away which would definitely be trickier without a car but still not impossible.

Well it's up to your friend really. I personally enjoy driving; quite happy for others to make their own decisions about it.

I can drive bit have never owned a car due to living my entire adult life in London. My world is not small. Sometimes I hire a car bit generally I prefer to be without the bother of it. I have travelled all over the UK Europe and North America using public transport. I have epic problem solving skills and an ability to work out a bus timetable in many different languages.

Your friend’s world is small because she has a controlling partner and anxiety. If she got rid of the first she’d likely find the second would improve and then her world would grow.

One of my DDs doesn’t drive for medical reasons and it doesn’t hold her back whatsoever. She’s been to all sorts of places and whilst she needs to be organised that’s not unique to people using public transport.

I dont drive and I know loads of people who dont drive. If you live in a big city its quite normal.
I've still travelled alot.
I even managed to work for an agency all over rural Scotland and I used public transport to get everywhere. It was difficult but actually quite a fun adventure. I had to stay in a tent once overnight between placements as it was literally in the middle of nowhere with one bus a day.
I also walk A LOT. And am quite fit due to that.
I love public transport. Many members of my family worked for the trains and buses. As a result I had a free train pass until age 25. I could go anywhere for free via train which is another reason I never learnt to drive.
Its better for the environment too.

This ^
i suspect that partner is the main reason and heavily contributes to her anxiety

I never wanted to drive but I have no idea how people cope! It would severely limit where I work - my drive is 25 mins but would take 2 hrs+ by public transport, and have just spent all day ferrying children around to football matches across the county. I guess they wouldn't be able to do such activities if I didn't drive.

I have no issue using public transport and do so when I travel for work home and aboard dozens of times a year but it wouldn't work for my day-to-day life, and my children would suffer because of it.

I can’t drive. I moved countries at 23. I took DD on my own to Scotland and my home country. Visited friends all over the UK with DD. Took her to days out in London, concerts, museums etc. Days out, farms, hobbies, clubs, friends etc. they all happened and still do. Work , school run, food shops.
How exactly is my (or her) world small?

Partner is a controlling twat.
She's crippled with anxiety, which may be reduced if she ditches the twat.

I don't drive. I go out daily. I walk, I use buses, trains, taxis. I've flown alone. I've camped with toddlers in sub zero temperatures without another adult. Ive hiked remote terrain. I've travelled 300 miles for a swim in the sea and back the same day. I've travelled 100 miles for lunch. I've taken my kids all over the UK on public transport since they were babies.

Not driving is not the issues here.

incognitomouse

It's easy - you select where you live based on the Public Transport opportunities!

Absolutely no reason why children should be restricted in their activities!

I agree it does impact on how far you'll travel.

What does she do when it comes to any form of shopping or appointments at
the Dr's/dentist/hospital?

Do they never visit family?

I live where you have to have some form of your own transport and that's before you even get to a bus stop or train station as it takes close to an hour just to get to a convenience shop.

I dislike driving, always have but pre marriage DH said just pass your test and at least you'll have it, which in a way I'm glad for.
I do drive localish but would never venture on to a motorway to go further afield.

Equally I don't see how her DH can be accused of being controlling just because he doesn’t want to go to places she wants/expects him to take her to, there are posts on MN where women complain of being the one that has to drive at certain times, like going out and not being able to have a drink and most replies are refuse point blank to do it.

I actually would be so depressed without my car but I am also in an area it is better to have one as not great public transport. Its there but not great. I wouldnt be able to get to work on public transport from where I am and its circa 45 -50 mins to drive so not like a walking/cycling distance. We also have a property the other side of the country we holiday in so packing up the car with me, kids and dogs is the only way really of getting there. I have a friend who doesnt drive but lives in a city where public transport is amazing so she can go anywhere she pleases anytime she pleases AND she can have a glass of wine and not wonder about getting home lol

Because football matches aren't always within public transport reach! They are often out of town, away from public transport routes. Today's wasn't reachable at all. I mean sure, I could get an Uber but it would have been £50+ which just isn't doable three times a week. Last week was over an hour's drive, again in an area where it just wouldn't have been possible to get to by public transport, especially as he needed to be there by 8.15am. Neither would he ever make football training because of the time it would take via public transport (actually only option would be to walk an hour or get a taxi) and me finishing work, would just make it a no.

It's not a stretch to realise that there are things you probably couldn't easily make work if you didn't drive. And that's fine, because people have different priorities.

But also to say "you select where you live based on public transport..." is a pretty idealistic view. When we moved here, there was a bus, but the council killed that off about four years ago.

I drive and I do feel like it makes things easier (not having to get public transport, with the kids etc) but I think it’s unfair to compare your anxious friend who hardly leaves the house to someone who doesn’t drive but can get themselves from a to b using public transport, taxis, friends/family…

I have plenty of friends who do not drive but get themselves from a to b and have great lives

If you live in London it’s kind of the other way round. There are limited places I would drive to due to traffic and parking considerations, but going by public transport gives me endless options.

Your friend's world is small due to her anxiety. If she doesn't drive due to her anxiety then not driving is part of why her world is small, but there are a whole host of other reasons for this. Your question "If you don’t drive your world is much smaller ?" is fine, but don't assume that other people's answers will reflect what you friend experiences.

I don't drive because of disability, but I will happily take public transport. Yes, there are some things I can't easily do on my own because there is public transport that goes where I want. When my kid was small, there were times when I would have liked to go somewhere, but the time it would take or the amount we needed to take (say swimming) would have been difficult on public transport. I would also say where we live is a bit governed by it being on a good transport link, and having good amenities in walking distance. I occasionally get taxis if I need to.

For your friend, I would imagine that "not leaving the house unless she is going to nursery school" is NOT because she doesn't drive, but because her anxiety has made her consciously decide that she only wants to leave the house under this circumstance.

Everytime I am in London I am insanely jealous of the pubic transport options and at the same time incredulous about how much Londoners complain about it!

Sure, not driving can make your world smaller. It limits job opportunities and logistics around traveling can at times be more difficult.

Setting up your life so you're relying on driving for everything and then being in a situation where it's not possible can also make your life smaller if you haven't developed the skills/confidence or don't have available alternatives - and everyone who drives is an unlucky moment away from being in that situation, even if temporarily.

Personally, I feel a bit lucky having hated driving as a teenager, chose to build my life so I can merrily live without it, and then became medically unable to drive. There are a few trips I'd like to do that are harder to plan without driving and some jobs that looked interesting I can't do because of it - and I accept that as part of my life. Few can do everything they want.

Also - I find not driving gives my kids more independence compared to many others I know where their kids only travel if someone is driving them. My kids have been here, there and everywhere meeting friends and doing activities - and they can do it without waiting on a parent to be available because their father and I chose to live somewhere that they can do that. Where I am, that's fairly normal.

Sorry my friend was just an example, the thread was about having more independence and opportunities if you are able to drive etc

Yes, some opportunities require being able to drive, but as others are showing, your friend is a poor example of how limiting not driving is for most who don't.

Plenty of people have a lot of opportunities and can make far more independent choices than your friend without driving. I've immigrated countries solo without driving. My DS1 gets flown out by his employer cause he can do magic with a ship engine - he doesn't drive, and even if he could in the UK, he couldn't where he's been sent to most of the time so his employer books and pays for all the transport. DD2 is looking forward to and saving to drive - but in the meantime, she's working a job she loves most of the time and traveling all over with friends entirely with public transport.

THIS
only 3 of my adult children drive.
Doesn’t stop them doing anything.
you can travel the world without driving.
They are whizz with public transport and have been aboard etc.
Nothing small about their world