Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

Although it’s upsetting not to be invited to every party you can’t expect it. You have no idea how many are invited. My children didn’t invite everyone in reception, they would have both found it too overwhelming. Whole class parties are also expensive.

I don’t think it’s fair this “ invite everyone or no one” thing as every household has different budgets or size of house if a home party. It’s a massive difference inviting 10 children compared to 20.

I promise that you will regret it if you message.

I get that but its just awful. So if he is being excluded from a few, out of 22 kids in the class. Shall i make sure to exclude them 3 next year who didnt invite him but invite everyone else? Because why would i invite them otherwise.

if its too pricey invite few kids or dont do it at all. I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

Don’t text. Sometimes parents can’t invite everyone . Maybe it’s a small party. Don’t make a big deal out of it , explain it like that to your child .

They don't have to invite everyone to a party. Just because you think they should have an all or nothing approach doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. Yes it's hurtful when our children don't get invites but it's really not that important in the long run, and you've got a lot of school ahead of you yet.

Don’t message. As you say, you know it’s not a mistake.

Sometimes children have different expectations or beliefs to the reality. The birthday child might think it’s a whole class party with real dinosaurs to ride whereas the reality is that it’s six children and they are riding a pony or along those lines.

Well done for coming on here. For what it’s worth if I’d received a text from someone querying a 5 year old not being invited I’d def avoid them. It’s unhinged. Your kid will care if you make it a big deal. With the kindest heart, get a grip.

And if you do a party and invite everyone it’s awful to exclude a couple on purpose , however if you are inviting his friends then just in ire his friends. He may be closer with some now and then closer with others when his birthday comes around. Don’t overthink it and when the time comes invite whoever he wants at his party.

Is it at a location where it’s pay per child?

It’s fine not to invite everyone for cost or space reasons (if it’s a home party)

I’m not sure why you think that they haven’t got a circle of friends in Reception? My kids had others they would look for at playtime because they liked those kids. Also I noticed that some mums prioritised the children of their friends in Reception until the kids were older and they could come up with a list.

Personally I never did a whole class party because my kids weren’t friends with the whole class and their birthdays were in the spring so their favourite friends were obvious. I don’t feel bad about it.

Jesus. Calm down.

They're in reception. You can't trust anything they say about friends, parties or what anyone else is doing in general. Because they're 5.

Your DC can't be invited to everything and that's fine. Model being gracious about it.

I think it’s preferable to invite a few friends rather than have a whole class party. It’s less expensive and less chaotic. It used to be the norm.

YABU. We don’t do whole class parties. DD1 has never wanted 30 kids or whatever at her party, she wanted like 5/6 kids she actually plays with to do an activity. I’m not spending twice as much and holding a party she doesn’t want to appease a parent or two who can’t just tell their child that not everyone gets invited to every party.

YABU. Kindly you need to develop a thick skin if you are so angry you need to calm down, because your child didn’t get invited to a party!

They don’t need to invite “everyone or no one” they can invite whoever they want. There is probably a limit on numbers.

My ds7 has been saying how he isn’t invited to a couple of parties but I just don’t make a big deal out of it and explain he can’t be invited to every party, just like when he has his birthday party next month he can’t invite everyone. My two prefer having small parties at home so can only invite their closest friends.

The parent did the right thing inviting kids over WhatsApp instead of handing out invites at school. If they talk about it it’s unfortunate if a child is upset but that’s life I’m afraid.

I get you are feeling like this and I am also quietly hurt whenever I hear of my DS7 not being invited to a party. However I promise it will not do you any favours to send that text and it will almost certainly become gossip fodder for the school mums. Don't do it to yourself. Just be breezy about it and instead focus on other friendships for now. I am sure your DC will get other invites and if not then start doing more play dates if possible to encourage the friendships.

I understand it's upsetting but you can't demand to be invited!

Are you texting because you are worried it's a mistake? If so, that's potentially ok. You could say, " Hi, so sorry, xxxx's mom here, xxxx believer's he's been invited to your son's party but I am not sure if he has the wrong end of the stick as we haven't had an invitation. Can you clarify please? Obviously totally fine if not, just wanted to check as he is quite insistent his friend invited him! '

But you CAN'T just demand she invites him.

Also, do you know for sure that the majority of the class are invited? We used to just invite about 8 kids at that age - DD never liked big gathering and that was the max she could cope with!

Your child has not been excluded, he just has not been invited.

and I disagree that by this time of year in Reception that they don't have their friendship groups yet - they do. This is exactly half way thru the school year.

You say you don't actually know the Mum ? why not.

How often have you had this boy round for a playdate / how often has your child been there for a playdate ?

You need to put your big girl pants on
and
DO NOT TEXT !

Echoing this - sorry you’re so annoyed but YABU and I would think you were really odd if you text me about this. Please try not to voice all of this to your DS, it’d be awful to make him think his classmate is ‘nasty’ etc. Find a nice thing to do with him tomorrow instead

My DD is in reception and she definitely has a group of friends she plays with out of her class of 21 children. I’ve told her she can invite 5 of them to her birthday party in April. If you texted me complaining your kid wasn’t invited I would think you were a nutter and ignore you. If you knew your child was the only one or one of a few that weren’t invited you might have a right to be upset but you don’t seem to know for sure who has been invited so I wouldn’t text

I have been the mum who received a wildly assumptive message from another mum, accusing me of deliberately excluding her child from my child’s party.

I hadn’t and rightly corrected. Now she can’t even look at me in the eye, let alone apologise for being so rude.

I wouldn’t recommend, and if you do, be prepared to look like an absolute dickhead.

You're going to teach your child some resilience. It's life. It's no nasty. He will invited to some and not others. For his birthday, hell get to lick eho he invites. It's not a race or competition.

Teach him that it is OK not to be part of everything. If he is still upset, plan something fun with him.

He'll face much worse life lessons as he grows up.

Please don't message. Its so out of order. You need to chill a bit or the next few years are going to be tricky for you.

I would message her and say
“my son tells he has been invited to your child’s party tomorrow. He’s very excited. But he isn’t sure what time it starts, could you let me know ? Thanks so much”

You are being very unreasonable. Do not text the parent. As others have said not all parents can afford whole class parties and not all children want them. When it is your child’s turn , as k who they want at their party do not deliberately not invite children who haven’t given your child invites. Your child has not been excluded they just haven’t been invited along with others. You would be doing the excluding by making deliberate decisions not to invite certain children because they haven’t reciprocated.
you are going to have a bumpy ride through school and your child growing up if you get this angry at them not being invited to a party.
please consider that with young children their choices of friends can change daily and they will say ‘come to my house/ my party’ to whoever they are playing with on that day.

If you knew every child in the class was invited but yours then I’d see why you’re upset but you don’t know how many are/aren’t invited.

For what it’s worth too my child is younger and does have a circle of friends at nursery so it’s completely reasonable birthday child might. Yours doesn’t function that way and that’s ok too, everyone’s different.