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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

423 replies

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:48

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 13/02/2026 17:26

Please calm down. Don't be 'that' mum.

FunkyFringe · 13/02/2026 17:26

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 17:22

well the vote says it all. I might do not agree but i am glad i came here before unnecessary drama came out of this. I wont be texting anything

Very wise. MN can be useful sometimes!

Simplesbest · 13/02/2026 17:26

Oh dear..you and your child are in for a rough few years if this is your reaction to not being invited to a party in reception by parents that you have admitted you don't know. Please don't message the parents. It would be social suicide for you and your child.

marcyhermit · 13/02/2026 17:26

Your DS (and you) will have to learn that you don't get invited to every party.

Inviting 29 kids out of 30 would be mean.

Inviting 20 kids out of 30 is just life.

Doseofreality · 13/02/2026 17:27

It’s a birthday party not a free for all charity event. They’re paying for it they can invite who they want.

Plasticdreams · 13/02/2026 17:28

It’s really hard. I’ve really struggled with this over the years.
I did text a parent once because her son who was a close friend of my sons, that we’d had over about 10 times for playdates (never reciprocated - and the mother had asked me if he could come over some of those times) and we always invited him to every party and they never invited my son to his. In the end, I snapped and texted saying he was hurt, and she responded that it’s up to them who they invite. Obviously I’ve never invited him over again or invited the boy to my son’s parties since.
Anyway, the point of sharing this was to say it’s pointless texting - you just need to learn how to manage your feelings about it all as there will be more situations like this in the future. My skin is definitely thicker now.

Peurbhoy · 13/02/2026 17:28

Unhinged. My daughter was in year one and right from the beginning in reception the was majority have only done selected kids parties. There have been a few whole class parties. My daughter’s own party was just eight kids.

Bubble678910 · 13/02/2026 17:28

As others have said YABU. You don't know the specifics - they might have really close friends or family or cousins outside of school that they want to invite instead of random people in the class? Or it's at their house and they don't want to have to entertain parents they don't know well? A whole range of reasons!

diddl · 13/02/2026 17:29

I completely do not agree with inviting few kids at that age. I am not british and didnt grow up here so maybe i have a different perspective but i do think its nasty. They are 4/5….you just dont do that to little kids

So when you do a party for your son you can invite the whole class if you wish.

The whole class thing is relatively new I would say.

When I was a kid it was standard to have a few friends to your house for a birthday tea & some games.

Our house wouldn't have fitted a whole class & a venue wouldn't have been affordable.

My kids also had mainly house parties with a few friends which was what they wanted.

ForeverPombear · 13/02/2026 17:29

You said in your OP that you don't know how many are invited - it might just be a couple. It doesn't mean your sons excluded, maybe for whatever reason only a handful were invited.

Hodgemollar · 13/02/2026 17:30

No I don’t agree that you have to invite everyone or no one in reception. That’s an insane expectation and cost barrier to put on someone for their child’s birthday.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 13/02/2026 17:31

You are being very unreasonable here and setting your child up for a lifetime of disappointment if you don’t use this as a teaching moment. Not everyone gets invited to everything. It’s fine, is a lesson they need to learn. In much the same way that not everybody wins a medal or not everyone can be great at sports music, dance, etc.

The way you react to this will set the precedent for how your DC reacts to future disappointment. If you think they should be distraught the first time things don’t go there way by all means confront the parent.

Redflagsabounded · 13/02/2026 17:31

Jesus, so children whose parents can't afford (or want) 30-odd kids shouldn't be allowed a party at all?

When did 'whole class' become a thing? In the 90s the largest party my son had was about 20 children - including his cousins, friend's children he'd grown up with, some of his local friends who'd gone to a different primary, and a few classmates. Most of his parties had about 10 children max, some were smaller than that.

Horrible to know you think he should have had zero birthday parties just because we weren't loaded. Children from poorer families don't deserve a party?

SnackQueen · 13/02/2026 17:31

I can same day courier you some Prozac if it would help.

Soontobe60 · 13/02/2026 17:32

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:53

I get that but its just awful. So if he is being excluded from a few, out of 22 kids in the class. Shall i make sure to exclude them 3 next year who didnt invite him but invite everyone else? Because why would i invite them otherwise.

if its too pricey invite few kids or dont do it at all. I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

Show quote history

He’s not being excluded. He hasn’t been invited, there’s a whole world of difference in these 2 statements. Expecting your child to be invited to every party is making you sound entitled!

Grecia2000 · 13/02/2026 17:33

If you want your child to get party invites and play dates it’s worth getting to know the other parents. My DD moved to a new area but made it her mission to get to know all the other mums in her year. Lots of play dates so her daughter got lots of invites

stichguru · 13/02/2026 17:33

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:53

I get that but its just awful. So if he is being excluded from a few, out of 22 kids in the class. Shall i make sure to exclude them 3 next year who didnt invite him but invite everyone else? Because why would i invite them otherwise.

if its too pricey invite few kids or dont do it at all. I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

Show quote history

Have you had actual confirmation via parents that only like 5 or less kids aren't being invited? If so that's horrible.
Equally though it might be that it's only actually 10 or so kids, and your child just happens to know who they are so it feels like everybody else.

I wouldn't say anything though because if your kid has got the wrong end of the stick and it's actually only 10 or so, saying something would be really rude. For all you know her kid wanted a soft play with the whole class and Mum's said no, because she hasn't got the money so she's doing a little party at home. You would be a really horrible person to make her feel bad about that.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 13/02/2026 17:33

OPs reply says a fifth of the class aren't invited

LoveItaly · 13/02/2026 17:35

Not being included isn’t the same as being excluded. Being excluded is when you’d have a reasonable expectation to be invited to something, and in this case you don’t know if it’s just your child not invited, or just a few children invited.

I think it’s awful to leave one child out of a party a whole class is invited to (unless there are justifiable reasons), but you don’t know if that’s the case here so I would do nothing in your shoes.

Latitudeohyeah · 13/02/2026 17:35

Bogofftosomewherehot · 13/02/2026 17:26

Please calm down. Don't be 'that' mum.

Ha, ha- that’s too late, given the op responses she is exactly “that” type of mum

Ifeeltheneedtheneedforcoffee · 13/02/2026 17:35

Please calm down
You have said 1/5 class has been invited so its not that your ds is the only one not invited. You have no idea why the children who have been invited have been they could be long standing friends or to be honest in reception the flavour of the week!
You need to say to your ds (and yourself) "you can't invited everyone to your party and cant be invited to every party but can still be friends "
And if you carry on with saying you are having nothing to do with this child, despite saying your son plays with them and has friends who have moved away your ds won't have any friends at all if you are like this over every imagined slight

ThePerfectWeekender · 13/02/2026 17:36

People aren't just disagreeing with you texting. They're also disagreeing with your entire thought process. You sem to think that at 5 it should be all or none, that it's cruel and nasty to not invite your PFB. It isn't.
Children do have groups of friends by five. You also don't know how DS behaves when you'renot present. I recommend all parents (if you can) volunteer in school or go on trips. The behaviour of some DC is eye-opening to say the least.
DD began ballet at three, attended a small swimming group, had local cousins, friends from our village, and friends that were the DC of my friends. Even with a fairly large party I never invited everyone, especially the ones I saw being badly behaved when away from their parents.

Original poster
RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 17:36

Just to add. I didnt not react in any way in front of my son and did not make a big deal out of it to him. Obviously i will make it sounds like ita not a big deal!

OP posts:
PeppermintTeaThenBed · 13/02/2026 17:36

Hi OP, when school first started there was a boom in parties, it then tailed off around this time. I think I know how you feel, I've heard of loads of parties where my boy didn't get an invite. I find it sad too but those are my feelings not his! (He's pretty oblivious!). Even children we invited to his party didn't invite him (not saying that should be how it goes, but still that pulled at my heart strings even more!!). I never would have said anything though. Since being in Year 1 he's still only been invited to one party. We've decided not to do a school party for him this year, mainly the money side of things but also friendships are probably quite fickle at this age. I'm hoping my DS will find his tribe, they have all have school to find their firm friends xx

Freeme31 · 13/02/2026 17:36

It could be an error as 30 years ago daughter age 7 gave invitations to her birthday party to everyone in the class but accidentally missed one it was still in bottom of her school bag 2 weeks after the party. I felt so bad for the boy (even 30 years later) as it really was accidental. It does no harm to ask