Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

Dont actually on temporary emotions.

OP you're acting like you're the child. No you don't make sure to exclude them back because he hasn't been specifically excluded. They had a limit on numbers, probably told their child to pick 5 to 10 friends he plays with most. Half the class won't be invited. You're going to have a very stressful school life if you get upset about things like this.

When he has a party, you'll give him a limit and tell him to pick. It doesn't mean he/you don't like the kids he doesn't choose. They just aren't his closest friends at that point.

You can't expect parents not to have a party for their child because they can't afford to host all 22 children in the class.

Act*

My son was 5 as he started school. He only invited some he already knew from nursery and some he connected with. Now he’s 7 he still doesn’t invite everyone. It’s expensive! Tell your child it’s ok not to go to all parties, there will be more. Don’t text the mum!

It doesnt get any easier with age
Its hard but you have to not get upset or angry.

I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

Blimey, what were you planning to do that you would later regret?

Reacting will ensure you are not invited to any other party's.

Relax, and keep things light. Your DS might have forgotten by tomorrow anyway. Do something out and about over the weekend. If it comes up on Monday say to him "Oh well we couldn't have gone because we were out at X weren't we?"

You're in for a long ride if you start keeping tabs on this stuff though. When it's your Ds's party, invite who he wants, regardless of whether or not they invited him to theirs.

parties are not normally for whole class, 22 children.

Don’t worry, me and my son go to a baby class. We have done since he was 4 weeks old. Me and 10 other mums. Regularly going for coffee as a group and play dates also. One of the mums invited every single parent and baby to her daughter’s party but my son. I’m heartbroken for him and he doesn’t even understand!! All the mums speaking about it and how she’s hiring an entertainer and it’s going to be amazing etc. it’s in the local village hall so not like there’s no space

I decided I won’t say anything to her. My sons only having a small get together with family for his bday so I only invited his one best friend. Best believe if we was having a big party I would’ve invited everyone but her. Petty but I don’t care, you don’t invite 10 out of 11 kids. It’s nasty.

Crikey, you need to calm down. There will be many many times like this in your child’s life and the most important thing is to teach him that he cannot be included all the time and to be resilient.

It's tough, but good life lesson for your child. I suspect you're more bothered about than he us. And tbh, its worse when they're older, in reception they'll be over it pretty quickly.

You've just got to say to him its no big deal you can't go to everything. It will help build his resilience.

Have you ever hosted a whole class party OP?

22 kids, so that’s 22 party bags, food for 22, a cake, paper plates and cups, decorations, a hall/party location, potentially entertainment or prizes if you are running games yourself, Coffee etc for the adults who might stay, and “extras” of everything for the parents who unexpectedly bring siblings.

It’s expensive. Even the cheapest version of a whole class party is expensive and exhausting.

All because you aren’t prepared to teach your child a little bit of resilience?

It costs a lot of money to throw a whole class party ..as well as family and friends outside school ,to find a venue and provide party bags and food .
Some people can bearly afford food at the minute
Even if people look like they are well of ,they are probably hand to mouth with huge mortgage
Your child is going to be getting disappointed a lot ,if you don't help him with his expectations in this area

@RealReginaPhalange
I have just seen your update.

When I was growing up (England) whole class parties were the norm to about 8.
I did do them with mine for 5/6 then they started asking for trampoline, bowling, crazy golf, pictures, later quest to name a few.
This is when I had to invite less due to cost.

I have noticed with my youngest that more parents seem to be doing insta type parties so only a few kids are invited.

You need to help him to understand that he will be invited to some and not all. Unfortunately sometimes it just isn't fair.
You need to accept that the couture is different, and some parents are only aware of their child's feelings.
I can see your frustration is coming from a place of love from your child's upset. You sound very thought OP. Please dont hold a grudge against the children as their parents are not thinking beyond the happiness of one rather than the many.
Beep breaths, do something special with your child this weekend, make some memories.

It's horrible and feels so personal for you and your child, but it probably isn't. The kids may talk about it for a morning but then forget all about the party, so make sure you take your child out for something fun at the same time and enjoy yourselves. There will be other parties, and looking back you wonder why you worried so much about these kind of things. The best way to deal with it is not to make a big deal out of it! Big hugs!

My dd is in year 1 now but in reception she went to loads of parties but none of them were whole class parties. 30 kids is a lot for parties really and the norm at dds school seemed to be to invite half to 2 thirds of the class which is fine in my opinion.

Yabu, it is fine to invite who want, even in reception.

You don’t make the rules. It’s not all or nothing.

A few things to help you navigate the next 5 years of primary school:

Teach your son it doesn’t matter if he’s not invited, he’s probably not half as bothered as you are!

You’ll realise by Year 3 that children’s parties are the worst possible way to spend a weekend and you’ll be wishing he wasn’t invited

You'll likely have a party clash either with your son’s birthday or two other children. Forcing people to choose.

Glad mine are teens 😂

No i am not entitled at all.

Yes you are. Please don't teach your child to be entitled too. You both need to learn resilience rather quickly otherwise you'll both go through life permanently upset and angry with the world.

I just looked up the farm where my now grown up kids had parties. £25 a kid for a party. £300 for just 12 kids.
It looks like you don't know that everyone was invited. A quick chat with your son to say, "James couldn't invite everyone, so we are going to do x instead" and it's sorted.
Honestly this will happen right through Primary school. My own daughter i found once doing the whole " you're not invited to my party " line, and issue that was swiftly stopped.

You said you didn't know how many had been invited so you can't say invite all or none. For all you know they might only have invited 10.

My daughter (8) was excluded from a birthday party a couple of months ago. Only girl not invited. I only found that out after the event. I was inwardly annoyed but with her I was breezy, oh well you cant be invited to everything type thing. She moved on. It wasn’t a malicious thing, to be fair I think it was a genuine oversight because she didn’t really know the birthday girl.

Two months later she is besties with the birthday girl and has had a couple of play dates with her 😂 they are fickle creatures.

It’ll be fine. Honestly.

This
Sorry OP don't text. This will happen all the time as they get older also.

YABU - they can invite who they want, and can afford to. You are making this out to be a massive deal, and it’s not.

I also can’t believe you ‘aren't encouraging’ a friendship because they are moving. You need to let your son cultivate his own relationships.