To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Re Op not speaking German - Op you're not going to be relocating tomorrow. Start learning the language in earnest now, then if you decide to go you'll find the transition much easier. Concentrate on conversational German for a start.

Thank you.

Yes I’ve known someone that left a dire situation in the UK (living in temporary accommodation with her child) to go to western Europe (not Germany but bordering) and has done fabulous. She did not know the language but has learnt alongside her toddler.

She had EU citizenship through an Irish parent and had a lump sum given to her through a life circumstance which allowed her to make the initial move. She stayed with a friend for a month or two.

She got approved for an apartment relatively quickly, and has access to great social support and EXTREMELY cheap childcare. She happily works part time in the evenings and in the morning is doing a work experience placement which she is hoping will lead her to a career. She is so happy and says she often sees families out and about in the city centre at 9/10pm! Unthinkable in Liverpool.

her and her little boy are thriving. People thought she was mad but she’s doing so well

Does your partner’s sister understand that her role in your move is to be your emotional support human?

It's worth doing more research into. It does sound like your parents think you're going to be responsible for your brother.

I lived in Germany and really liked it. I found it expensive, and I don't know if I would trust your partner's sister's claim that the two of you plus a baby could easily live in Hamburg on one salary. That's something you need to check out. Be prepared for Bureaucracy. Start learning German.

Don't count on your partner's sister's kids to be your kid's companions. Cousins aren't necessarily close and they will all likely make their own friends. Don't stay isolated from the local community.

I’m definitely not saying don’t go, but I can’t see that anyone else has made this point.

If Germany doesn’t work out, would you and your partner both be able to come back to the UK? It’s my understanding that EU citizens who leave aren’t treated any differently to nationals of any other country when it comes to moving back to the UK, so do have a look at the immigration requirements. Unless he’s a dual national already or can get British citizenship as an addition to his EU citizenship before you move?

Life is too short to be miserable. If you think it will offer you, your husband and your child a better life, then go for it.

This was part 2 of my other post a bit further up. I meant to put it all in one reply but pressed post in error, lol.

She’s has asked us to move and presented us with bloody good reasons to do so.

nobody is going to be anybody’s “emotional support human” ffs.

Pack your bags and go! My son stunned me by saying he was emigrating to Australia!! I cried for two weeks, but, it was the best thing he ever did for him and his family. He’s been there over 15 years now and I’ve been over twice. It’s amazing.
Germany is far closer, and you can, or there’s always FaceTime. Do what’s best for you and your family, and never feel guilty. Your mums had her time.
And if it doesn’t work out, try somewhere else, or come back to uk, but don’t deny yourself the opportunity of a lifetime. Good luck 🤞🏻

It surprises me how many people think you have the right to just cut and run. Maybe the OP does have a duty to her family.

I live in Colchester and hate it. Immigration has transformed the place into an overcrowded dump. The fields in the centre of my village are going to have 400 new homes built on them. That's on top of the giant new housing estate built at the other end of the village, and the fact that my local woods were hacked down to make way for two massive estates, including blocks of flats. The roads and country lanes are choked with traffic, and at night I'm woken by the screeching and backfiring of souped up car engines. The town itself now has a nasty vibe, and I generally avoid the place.

I wish I could leave the UK. I no longer have any sense of belonging or national identity. In fact, at times I feel like a hated and unwanted outsider. But I have duties. I can't just up and leave my widowed mother or mentally ill younger sister. If it wasn't for them, I'd be gone.

Oh, culture wise.

I hope you're thick skinned and used to BLUNT.

Because Germans are very clear in their communicating. I liked it, but some don't.

Complaining about immigration while wishing to be an immigrant elsewhere 😂

It’s not a duty as such though is it? You sound lovely and your family are very lucky to have you. I don’t mean anything against you.

Bir for me, my duty is towards the man that is going to be my husband and our children.

I would still visit my parents and support as I can from afar. But I don’t plan on being a carer for any of them even if they expect it. I will be busy enough with my children and maybe wanting to retrain in a career once they are in school.

They chose to have me and my brother in their mid-40s and opted for taking a higher risk of having a disabled child, and also opted for taking the risk that they’d end up elderly whilst their neurotypical child is still busy raising their own family. I can’t be expected to be everyone’s default carer. If they’d had me in their 20s, I’d probably be done and dusted with raising my own kids by the time they need care, but it hasn’t worked out that way.

Go. We did. You only live once, and if I was at different life stage I'd consider moving too.

@tangotingo autism has a genetic link, your DC could be autistic.

Yes I’m well bloody aware of that and will manage if they are but I think being 20 years younger than my parents were when they had my brother reduces the risk somewhat 😐I made a conscious decision to have kids younger.

Not to mention if I am mother to a child with additional needs I will have even less capacity to support my parents and brother.

You need to live your own life and let them live theirs.

We are moving a 5hr drive away from my mum. She is almost 80 and lives alone (I’m mid 50s). She will have no family nearby, she doesn’t drive, can’t walk far as she’s overweight, can’t catch buses as she gets confused as to where to get off. She has one friend with a car and 2 who don’t remember who she is. I asked her to come with me, she refused. I’m not staying local because I am no longer happy here and the job opportunities for my children don’t exist.

I am worried about her but don’t feel selfish because I and my children need to live our own lives.

As someone who emigrated in their 20s to an EU country and had a baby, you may well become even more isolated than ever. And that’s me after having travelled the world, being confident and coming from a large close family and life long friends.

Perhaps coming from an already lonely place you will feel better but it’s a huge risk.

Your parents are not that old at all. And you absolutely don’t need to care for your brother if you don’t want to.

By all means leave for a new experience but having a baby abroad will be more lonely that you think. The weather will only get you so far. The language and cultural barrier will always exist so you will never fully integrate.

Going from lonely on home turf to trying to integrate in a foreign society just doesn’t sound like a good plan to me. And you don’t know the baby will be, how you will adjust to family life. How the medical system works. It’s just a lot.

I think that you have made your mind up OP and I hope all goes well.
You have asked for honest advice and I would struggle with moving to a different country from family members who are in a vulnerable position (ie learning disabilities or those caring for them). This isn't to guilt trip you, rather that individuals vary and neither is right or wrong

Definitely go, but relocating abroad is hard. It’s not going to fix your isolation. As long as you’re prepared for that, go for it.

It surprises me how quickly “family duty” turns into an expectation that someone should sacrifice their entire life without question. Being someone’s child doesn’t automatically sign you up for a lifetime unpaid caregiving contract.

Love and support should come from willingness, not pressure or guilt. Parents choose to have children-children don’t choose to be born- so framing lifelong care as some kind of repayment feels backwards to me.

Support isn’t the same thing as surrendering your future, and choosing not to take on a full-time caring role doesn’t make someone heartless.

OP has the "right" to do whatever she wants with her one, precious life and suggesting anything else isnt remotely loving.

you say neither you nor your partner have friends

you say you are both lonely

you have lined the sister and her partner up as godparents

you have lined their children up as friends for your child

you say she will help you get employment

you say you will all be able to “support” each other, although by the sound of it the other couple are not in need of any support .

I wonder if they realise just how much you are planning on relying on them, which is ironic since one of your reasons for leaving is worrying about other people relying on you.

Germany isn't that far and you're in a major city so can get flights easily Yanbu

You don’t know them, we do.

We will have independent lives but visit each other, have a relationship and see each other for events like birthdays and Christmases. If one couple has an emergency, we will mind each other’s kids. Pop round sometimes on a weekend. Maybe we will have the occasional holiday together. Normal family stuff! There a benefits to having local family around that are within the same life-stage as you.

In the beginning they may give us advice on how things work over there and recommend companies to apply to, they want to do this as they want us to go. They want us around for the same reasons we want to be around them. It wouldn’t lead to bloody codependency, we’re not expecting them to adopt us!!!

Do either of you speak German? Such a massive move if you don't. I am married to a EU citizen and we live in the UK. We would only live in a country where we both speak the language. Germany isnt on the list! (My gcse A grade withstanding!!)