To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

@tangotingo i agree with every one of your posts, from your reasons for moving to your fears about a future of caring for your brother. Brexit also broke my heart and if I could have moved abroad before now, I would have, to get citizenship elsewhere- but my dd has a father here so I’m stuck. (For now!)

You cannot live your life for your parents. It’s yours, the one thing that truly is, and you have to live it for yourself. Go ahead and thrive (and I am sure you will, you sound fab!). Good luck!!

Re the weather, German summer is hotter than the UK, but winter is colder.

You've sold it to me OP.

Things to very seriously consider; what if one of you wants to return and the other doesn't?

And what if you split up, if your partner refuses to return, exactly where does that leave you and your child?

Things are fab with him now - Things can change. They aren't reasons not to go but you must not go without plan B and plan C.

I woukd also recommend you start learning German straightaway! You'll probably get by without it but life will be so much better with it.

Good luck!

How many of those commenting here actually ever moved to live abroad? In a country with a different language, culture and not to a more remote part of the UK? People do not make these decisions lightly.

I also wonder what responses would you get if you posted as a male.

My son and his (Aussie) wife are saving to move to Australia, they are living with me while they save. I will miss them when they leave, but i want them to have a great life. I would hate to think i was holding them back. Can your mum get any help with care? Germany is not to far to visit or for you to come back and visit. Be careful, please don't think it will answer all of your problems, you seem yo be viewing with rose tinted glasses. Good luck 🍀

And I meant to respond to the op, sorry, not Spaceracoon!

I wouldn’t move with a young baby without being reasonably proficient in the language. Mainly for being able to socialise and for healthcare reasons.

It sounds as though you will be heavily reliant on your partner’s sister, you don’t speak of your plans to integrate.

I can cope with colder winters and snow having lived in Canada. The Winters were cosy over there.

I find the UK Summers to be incredibly meh and unpredictable and the Winters just grey and bleak and you don’t really get the kind of snow where you can play out in it with kids etc. A decent Summer and then a snowy Winter would be fine I think. We’ve done Christmas in Germany before and it was lovely, local kids out playing in snowsuits etc

OP just go, if you don't like it, come back.
Don't be afraid, but also make sure you work when you get there, you always need your own money in case you need a quick get away. You'll need the cost of a plane ticket and at least 2 months worth of living costs , I.e rent, bills and food.

Have that amount permanently saved and don't touch it.
Then you're free to go

New baby and not speaking the language could make it very hard op. Personally I woukd consider nicer areas in the uk. Having a child makes it easier to make friends but speaking the language would be essential for me. It sounds like your mum expects you to look after your brother hence her original worry. I think a honest conversation needs to happen for his care to be organised eventually.

You’re not selfish AT ALL. You are looking at what will be best in the long term for YOU and YOUR family unit. This is what counts.

Your parent and brother’s situation sounds very difficult and it is on them to make arrangements for their older age and what happens when they can no longer care for your brother. If they won’t do this then need to face the consequences of this, and there will be professional intervention if/when there’s a crisis. They are not your responsibility but if you stay in the UK I worry you’ll become a carer for at least one, if not all of them, and it will then be almost impossible to get your own life back.

You have one life and must live it the way you and your partner desire, and no one else (others than your future children of course). Usually parents encourage this - we raise our kids to be independent and want what’s best for them, even if it means we’ll miss them.

Go for it. There’s some great practical advice on here re residency, your rights, what happens if you split etc. which whilst horrible to consider, does need some thought. But yeah, I’d have packed already! Good luck 😊

Go! Escape to the EU! It's Hamburg not Perth, very cheap and easy to get back to the UK.

Cross the other bridges (care of relatives) when you come to them. Yes it will be stressful and hardwork even if it's arranging someone else to care for them not actually doing it yourself. But it's stressful and hardwork even when you live next door!

Your biggest issue will be language barriers, start learning in earnest and using multiple tools now (not just
DuoLingo)

A supportive loving mother will of course be sad and worried but would want you to be happy and live your life as happily as you can. You can always come home if it doesn't work out.

Go! Live your life now, not worrying about all the future 'what if's'.

Best of luck to you.

Think about YOUR life, you know, the one your mum chose to impose on you.
Then, make the best out of it.
She won't be "devastated".
I emigrated at 25 and never looked back.

I say go. I think part of your motivation is to get out of taking on caring responsibilities, and I think that is a good enough reason in itself. Your care in the future is first and foremost to your children. Also, you have experience of living abroad and you know you enjoy it, so you aren't just heading off into unknown territory. And it's Hamburg. I know Hamburg fairly well. Yes, you will need to learn German, but people there speak English too. There are lots of other immigrants there. It isn't a particularly difficult place to live and it is a short flight away.

I moved abroad many years ago, established a family, had relationships end, and I stayed on as this is where I live. It isn't inevitable that the OP would want to move back to the UK in any case. Some people just like living in a different culture. Go for a trial period of a few years, and if you don't like it, then you can rethink where you want to live. It might be that somewhere else in Europe is the right place for you. It isn't necessarily a choice between Hamburg and the UK.

Is moving a bit further away to Germany likely to prevent your parents from pestering you, when the time comes? Obviously you know them and I don't, but it strikes me that people who are willing to designate one child as default carer against their wishes might not care that much whether they're a 2 hour drive or 2 hour flight away.

I don’t mind the posters who are saying consider what will happen if you split up, I think it’s a great thing to bring up.

I’m not so keen on those who say “Oh absolutely not I would never!” and imply I’m an idiot for even considering it. It is a bit insulting. I am a grown-up.

I’d already be on the plane in your circumstances. Just go and try it. Your not happy with your life here at the moment so what have you actually got to lose

100% go. You have one life to enjoy to the fullest. We have visited Germany a few times and love it. The people have a good sense of humour and are generally lovely. Food is a bit ‘different’ but then the wine makes up for it.
Be sure to make the effort to make friends so you don’t rely too much on SIL and partner. Have a lovely life with your little family.

How quickly do you plan to move? Do you think you'll have the baby here first and then move?

As a pp asked, do you have a facility for language? If you’re the sort of person who struggled with GCSE French, please be aware that once past the earliest stages, German will need a good deal of work - French is rather easier for an English speaker. If you do decide to go, I’d try to get a head start first. Not sure I’d recommend Duolingo, but a beginner’s course with the essential audio element would be good. You could try your local library before buying anything.

I see. I think summer here is warm but I get your pov. The move overall sounds like a good idea but start learning German, I think.

The bread's pretty good 😊

So you live an hour away
they hardly ever visit
and you don’t seem at all close
I doubt your mother will be devastated

Go.
Germany is a beautiful country and children have a very idyllic childhood.
Their schooling system is amazing. Your Mum will come round.

I am French but going back to France hopefully this year. It's a big wrench because of elderly relatives and work and it's scary, but you only get one shot at this life and you will regret it if you don't do it I think.

I wish you a happy, joyful future! ❤️

OP, I think you have every right to want to try a move to nicer country.

It is not your duty to live your life to be available as a carer for your family.

I think your leaving, sooner rather than later, may be the push your parents badly need to start making preparations for your brother's future.

While you remain, it is far to easy to assume they can leave it to you to sort out.

Not your job. Do not be guilted.
As a mother your first obligation is to your child and partner and what is best for you all.

Good luck.