To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Can I ask why your mum would be ‘devastated’? I thought this would be a scenario where she lives next door and comes over daily but if you’ve only seen her a handful of times in three years, surely that level of contact can still be maintained? Also you leaving and not being the fall back care plan for your brother might spur your parents to make arrangements for his future.

You’re in your 20s, you’ve got time to research, save more and learn the language, so I say go for it. It also doesn’t need to be forever; it could be a five or ten year experience which means your parents’ health might not become a factor. Just make sure you’ve planned legally and financially for the worst case scenarios. I’d also advise you to get out and make friends outside of your SIL as the feelings of loneliness you feel now will be tenfold in a foreign country. Good luck!

I really recommend learning a language with Duolingo. I started learning German last month using the app or my computer. Previously I'd joined classes, used cassettes and books but this is far and away the best I've come across. There are free versions or paid for. I am no spring chicken so the results are amazing. I also recommend thelocal.de which is the German online newspaper/resource for ex-pats (in English), part of "thelocal.com" network in various languages/countries. It has an online archive covering such items as jobs, citizenship, housing, renting etc. Well worth checking out.

She’s over the moon that she’s going to have a grandbaby and seems to think she’ll be babysitting all the time, which just won’t happen. I’ll visit them with baby but wouldn’t want to leave the baby there due to the state of their house and my brother’s unpredictable behaviour. She is quite severely obese to a level it affects her mobility, and dad drinks and passes out on the sofa. Brother has mental health issues and the police were called to a bowling alley where he went with his social group the other week because he’d left a threatening note in the toilets about how he hates other men and wants to be violent towards them, parents played it down. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving baby with them.

Even when I moved an hour away she said “you should come back when you have a baby as you’ll need support” and I had to grit my teeth.

If we did go abroad I’d visit them 2-3 times a year depending on when flights are cheapest, probably for long weekends. If I only see them every 6 weeks now, it’s not that much of a difference really is it?

Also check your local library for a Pressreader subscription which would give you access to German magazines and newspapers (including Hamburg region) for free

They also talk about wanting to move to my city once they are old enough to need care.

I said to them “Why not come now? it will be easier to make the move now than when you’re much older and it’d be easier for me to support you without driving an hour each way.”

They responded saying I was being ridiculous and they won’t come until it’s necessary. They just bleat on about how “everything always works out in the end!!!”

So they are essentially waiting until their health fail and they can’t look after my brother and I’ll be expected to arrange for them to move local authorities to be local to me. I’ll have to apply for them to get new social housing, and arrange a supported accommodation placement for my brother. Nightmare.

I think if I buggered off it’d be a necessary shock to the system.

It doesn't sound like they are helping themselves OP

You have a great opportunity for a better, more fulfilling life.. go for it. You can visit them a few times a year.

The flights aren't expensive.

Do not be held back or give in to emotional blackmail.

My parents are of the 'it will all work out' ilk. I've had to learn to let it go. When things fall apart, the right authorities will be notified.

Goodness me, after reading this, it seems obvious you need to go as soon as you can. How you seem to have escaped this environment to come across as sane and sensible is nothing short of miraculous.

My Dad is German & when he & Mum married she moved from England to Germany with no German language skills. He helped her get a factory job to get started & they lived there about 3 or 4 years, during which time I was born. By the time they left my Mum's German was fluent & they would have been happy to stay there but I was born with some pretty major health stuff going on & they were advised when I was 2 that I needed a warmer climate to survive so they followed Mum's parents to Australia.

Yup. This is my attitude.

when it became clear I wasn’t ever going to move back to their city, I suggested they move here so that when they do get to stage they need more support I’ll be around.

they said they’ll come once they are at the stage when they need support. Well that defeats the whole point because who would have to do all the admin work involved in moving them over here? Moving 3 vulnerable adults to a completely different local authority.

They had their chance.

Try memrise for language learning. I have both it and duolingo, but prefer memrise.

@tangotingo

She’s over the moon that she’s going to have a grandbaby and seems to think she’ll be babysitting all the time, which just won’t happen. I’ll visit them with baby but wouldn’t want to leave the baby there due to the state of their house and my brother’s unpredictable behaviour. She is quite severely obese to a level it affects her mobility, and dad drinks and passes out on the sofa.

Brother has mental health issues and the police were called to a bowling alley where he went with his social group the other week because he’d left a threatening note in the toilets about how he hates other men and wants to be violent towards them, parents played it down. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving baby with them.

Good grief.

It will be too late then. I've had all those discussions with my parents too and feel you on that. Sometimes you need to leave people to their own bad choices. I know it won't be as easy as just saying 'they made their choices, now they reap the consequences'. I know emotionally it's going to be tough. However, they have made choices and we'll just have to make the best of whatever happens.

Hi
not read everything but want to say that I was in a similar situation. Please GO !

My brother lived with my parents since birth and has learning difficulties. Time and time again I’d said to my parents to get things in place and that he should be in supported living accommodation. They ignored me but it all ended up on me 😳 amd I couldn’t ignore it eventually.

I didn’t want it but in the end had to sort out nursing home for mum and dad and supported living for my brother. My dad passed away last year. Mum at 96 has dementia and is still in nursing care. I got my brother in supported living. It all out tremendous strain on my marriage and my own children.

we got through it all but I do still feel resentment towards my parents for landing this on my plate. I loved them but things should have been sorted earlier but they ignored it constantly.

Research research, research......
Many places seem fabulous on a short visit, but real day to day living is not the same.

The education system is important. What is the experience of the pupils? Are you happy about the curriculum? .... look at it in detail.

Make sure you are running towards something positive and not simply running away from something negative.

The principle that you are free to choose the life you want is clear, as is the importance of going into it with your eyes fully open and in possession of as many facts as you can muster.

I lived in Germany for 9 years. I left my mum and dad brother and sister here. You have a life of your own to live plus a baby on the way. Children are born to leave the nest. Germany has a different way of life. Weather is pretty much the same as here. But there is a lot more emphasis on family life. Go. Live your life.plus you will be surprised at how many Germans actually speak English. Also German is not hard to learn. Plenty of evening classes teach German

You sound like you need a new start, and if your gut is telling you to go please do it. You need to prioritise your own partner and child over the shitshow your parents have made of their situation. My advice is to marry your partner before you go.

This and your latest update just underlined the reasons why you should definitely go! Make it very clear that if they don’t make a plan for themselves and your brother, this will not be your responsibility. Get your dad to involve his other children; he can move to their town when they need care. They’re burying their heads in the sand about all their health issues and thinking you’ll pick up the pieces, which is horribly unfair.

They’d definitely be no support to you so seeing them a few times a year is fine. Put yourself and the family you’re creating first and enjoy this new adventure.

My DH parents were a little like yours in terms of head in the sand over adult children’s support needs (DH siblings). It’s all got very complicated after his dad died last year and I honestly wouldn’t wish the stress of the last 8 months on my worst enemy. My advice is prioritise yourself and make your life a positive space as far away as you can from your dysfunctional family - do not pass on this inheritance to your child. Give your child a happy stable life. Go to Germany and invest in your family.

OP.

You have one life and deserve to live it the way you want it just as your parents abd brother do.
The family you’re creating is more important than the family of origin.
After reading your last post it’s crystal clear they created the problem.They are deluded.

Go. Live your life. You have the rights too, not just duties and obligations. Your don’t live to facilitate thoughtless peoples lives whatever their relation to you is

Gosh yes your situation sounds very similar. It’s one thing supporting elderly parents but a disabled sibling adds a whole extra element doesn't it? Most people don’t understand. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough time.

What stresses me is that I’d have to find care home placements but also supported accommodation for brother too. And not everything will happen at the same time, if parents go into a care home first there’s the possibility I’d end up with my brother until he gets supported accommodation. What about the stability of my own kids and their right to not have their home life and routines upended? All of the admin work…phone calls, meetings with local authorities, assessments, endless corresponded with social workers etc. Once one of them gets ill it’ll implode for all of them, and they have chronic health issues already that aren’t going anywhere.

I want my own family and my kids to thrive. I want my time and energy to be invested in myself and my children and any hobbies they will have in the future. I hope to be busy ferrying my kids around to hobbies and activities, going camping, having days out etc! It’s hard enough to fit these things in when both parents are working. I want us to have great experiences as a nuclear family and not be tied down by my parents and brother who chose to not help themselves.

Finding care homes and supported accommodation is one thing. That is something I'd be willing to do for my family, to sort them out without having ongoing responsibility. My children are my priority but other people matter too.

As far as you talking about bringing them over to your new country, is that even a possibility? Is there a medical test they'd have to meet the requirements of? I'm overseas from my parents and they have now left it too late to come here as they've developed medical conditions.

I think there’s a misunderstanding there, I have no intention of inviting them to Germany. What I meant was when I moved an hour away within the UK 3 years ago, I suggested they look at coming so I can support them in the future. They said they want me to bring them over once they are too ill to support themselves and brother. This response from them irked me as it was once again dumping everything on me with no initiative from them.

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say that I work in a short break service for adults with learning disabilities and we regularly have emergency admissions when the person's home situation has broken down. This is often due to the illness or death of a carer. If you don't feel that you could care for your brother then you would just have to say a firm "no, not possible" and his local authority would find him an emergency bed (assuming they agree that he is unsafe to stay alone). In my experience although a sudden move is traumatic at first people do adjust quickly.

I think you should do what is best for you and your family. As your parents chose not to move near to you I think the help you can offer them will be extremely limited if you are an hour away with a baby and in time a job too, so you might as well live where you want to and hopefully manage to visit now and then.