To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

He still needs proof of residency in Germany and a working contract for her to apply for the family reunion visa...she won't get it just because he has the right to live and work in any European country .... If this is the case it seems it is easier for EU citizens than for German citizens to get their non EU partners to Germany....as German citizen, marriage was required for family reunion visa....

That sounds nice. So stop wondering and dreaming and start doing.

I would suggest you start learning German immediately and get married before you leave.

Once you are in Germany, your partner has more rights wrt your baby.
That's the bottom line.
He can force you to stay there if you break up even if you want to go home.

You've been with him 4 years but don't speak his mother language - not unusual but it doesn't suggest a great interest in foreign languages. I speak my husband's language fluently (C2 level written & spoken).
Your head is in the clouds now but you will come down to earth with a bang if you proceed with this "plan".

It's clear your partner is doing this for his own good - to be able to drive to his home country if needed, to be near his sister, to get a very similar job, to have more legal rights over your baby and he's trying to convince you that it's a great adventure.
Unfortunately, you will be losing across the board: your job, your financial independence, your family (even if you don't care much about them at the moment - absence makes the heart grow fonder) and some of the rights you enjoy in the UK wrt your baby if living there.

I don't trust your boyfriend.
You're already living one hour away from your family in a rough area because of him. Now he wants to move abroad when you are pregnant or have a child.
He should have gotten down on one knee before now but he hasn't done that basic thing to provide you and your child with some security.
It's all about him...

You want to move countries with a 4 month old? And you think you'll be learning a language while caring for a baby aged 4-12 months? No. Just no. You are vastly underestimating how hard work babies are.

And why do you need to go at the same time and use all your money? Let him go ahead, find a job, get settled.

Because the way I see this above plan, is that it's a really shit deal for you.

He doesn't need that, it's possible to enter as a jobseeker as EU free movement rights also cover this for a limited period (you can be working, jobseeking, self-employed, studying or self-sufficient).

Yes, it is possible this is more lenient than German domestic law where no EU free movement rights are engaged. I don't know anything about that.

I'm currently binging Familieren (i think) on Netflix. German spy Russian/BND thing. Really enjoying. I studied German at school and it's great seeing how quickly the words come back.

A Level standard isn't that hard though. Its being able to hold a basic conversation and understand more than 'My hair colour is..I'm x years old' etc that you do for GCSE.

Even with A Level I would have barely been able to speak to a customer if they had spoken quickly or asked me anything more than the basics!

You’ve got him very, very wrong. I want to go more than he does, he was happy to buy a house in the UK originally and accept not having family. He was a bit sad but had accepted it. I’m the one that dislikes the UK more and would like to try elsewhere. He wants me to be happy and being near his family is a bonus.

living an hour away from my family was a relief, it was great to get away from them. They are no support.

Sounds like the UK before brexit.

Someone from say Spain or Germany could move to the UK, and bring their non-EU spouse. A British person had to follow completely different rules!! Hence why a load went to Ireland first. It was totally ridiculous

Yeah, I just looked into it... quite interesting...UK seems exceptional too compared to other non EU partners...mine was from a different non EU country and I have German citizenship and it was a pain in the butt🙄😂
In this case I would say: OP just go for it and see where life takes you.... The grass is for sure not greener on the other side and there are good and bad sides everywhere... from my experience no country is better or worse - just different 🤗

Crazy isn't it....make it make sense...

Why are you in such a rush to give away your job and financial independence?
Is it your dream to be a stay at home mum?

You mentioned liking the fact that German school children start primary school at 6 but not that they attend kindergarten from the age of 3.
Are you planning on keeping your child at home until he/she is six?
This would not be fair on the child and could impact how well he integrates into school where most children have been through the kindergarten system.

I think the reality of being an isolated SAHM in a foreign country with only family & friends of your husband, who also speak a different foreign language that you do not master, is digging yourself into a hole you will find very difficult to climb out of.

Whether you move depends on your values and what you prioritize. I live abroad and my children have a much better life than they would in any of the countries where my family of origin live. In some cultures, families stick together and help each other, but if your family is not like that, then why burden yourself with staying in the UK when it's not like your parents go out of their way for you? Your parents are still young and it may be many years before they need help. Life can change in an instant, so it's important that you live your life in the way that feels best to you. You, your partner and your child deserve to be happy.

You mentioned liking the fact that German school children start primary school at 6 but not that they attend kindergarten from the age of 3.
Are you planning on keeping your child at home until he/she is six?
This would not be fair on the child and could impact how well he integrates into school where most children have been through the kindergarten system.

If he starts school in Germany 3 years behind the other students and isn't fluent in German, you're starting him off behind. Kids have been making friends and socializing for 3 years already. As an auslander, he might be left out. If your German isn't fluent, you and he will be left out of things.

Is your goal integration into where you would be living or just hang with your partner's sister and her kids? That's going to limit your life and your kid's life.

You don’t have to explain yourself, OP. No matter what you say or do, there will always be those that will think you’re making a mistake. Make the decisions that work best for you and for what you want in life.

Be mindful of the risks yes, but something being a risk doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. If this is what you want then go for it.

Go and make a great life! You will regret it if you don’t!

Neither of my children live in the uk. I have survived. In fact I would say Germany is close, an easy plane trip. If mine were that close I'd count myself lucky. I wanted what was best for mine and they are where they are happy and with who they are happy with.

Go for it! You need to do what is best for you and you're little family. It's not like you're moving to the end of the world, its Germany, a 2 hour flight from Mum. Good luck with what ever you decide !

It's only Germany not Australia. I lived there in Bremen for two years and regularly used to drive back to the UK to see relatives on my own with DS.
You do need to learn the language pretty quick though or you will feel very isolated especially with a child.

Go for it. You have one life.

You are not being unreasonable. Please go and at least try for an alternative future. It is not as though you're talking about Canada or Australia and it is probably more accessible to your parents than other parts of the UK. The idea of living closer to his relatives with a similar life is particularly attractive. Most younger Germans speak English (and well too) and native English speakers are sought by employers. You should not take on the perceived future burden of your parents. Your siblings will have to arrange support when and if necessary. I've lived in Germany which is of course different but probably easier to adjust to than a lot of other European countries. Don't wait too long overthinking this and follow your heart. I wish you and yours all the best.

Bless you. It's a lot.

My first thought was - why aren't you married already? Was the baby and accident? I wouldn't move anywhere without doing that first, and make sure you understand the legal rights of mothers in Germany.

You get one life and you get to live it once. You are not being selfish to want more. Go for it now while you have the opportunity. What I will say is you can always come back if it doesn’t work out but if you don’t try, you will regret it forever. 60 is not old and your parents have plenty of life left in them. They can always visit and so can you, Germany is hardly Australia.

This is your life. Your partner your child.
Plan your move. Start to learn German now there will be classes if not pop a find a German tutor in your local paper.
But stop worrying about things you cannot change. We have things happen that we can't control.
But you and your little family. I wish you happiness and joy always xxx

You can get a train or a plane to Germany very easily. Your mum can visit you easily. I lived there many years ago, the train system is really good.