To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

To balance things out a bit, I think you should read this @tangotingo

Not saying do not go, but you do seem to think that moving to Germany is the answer to all your problems. And I don't think it will be.

Would moving somewhere in the UK be a good idea to start with? A few hundred miles away from your parents?

OP for this post alone I would go and not look back. How awful of your parents to take glee in sabotaging your future like that. And terrible the racism towards your partner. I’m sorry but they deserve for you to emigrate for those attitudes. In any case you have to do what’s right for you, your partner and your child.

There are an awful lot of small minded people on this thread, focussing on the negatives and not prepared to realise what a great opportunity this is for you and your little family. You only live once! Far better to try something than live a life of regret. It sounds to me like you’ve thought of everything and will be well-prepared for the move. Get doing DuoLingo now!

And to the Debbie Downers saying what if you split up, well as you say you can’t go into everything thinking that or you’d never do anything! And if you did split up you’d manage. My friend emigrated with her toddler in a relationship that already had an issue (his drinking), they ended up splitting, and guess what - she was absolutely fine. You deal with these things just as you would do in your home nation.

Best of luck OP, have a fab life!

This is the problem.

What we have here is 2 adults who actively don't want to cooperate with OP to try and future proof DBs care, to facilitate as much independence for him as possible. How much of this is a deliberate attempt to keep him dependent to best emotionally blackmail OP and how much is just the inability of two people with MH conditions and potential undiagnosed ND themselves is hard to say. But the effect is the same.

OP is in a position where they're trying to offload all the duty onto her, with none of the actual power to facilitate better care for him (to the extent the system allows, anyway).

Is that what her parents did??

As a widowed parent of a similar age to your parents I will say what I said to my 24 YO when he planned to move to Australia- ‘ It’s your life, go for it.’
Even across the world my son is only 24 hours away.

Go. You have valid reasons to want to move to Germany. It might not work out, but you can move back. On the other hand it may be the best thing you ever did. You won’t know until you try. A phrase you often see on here is “ you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”. What I would advise is that you don’t wait to get married if you are going to anyway.

From OP:

I’ve warned my mum many times that they need to start planning ahead for my brother’s care and getting him used to having a mobile phone, understanding money, socialising with a support worker etc and they just push the can down the road and say “Oh it will all work out in the end!”

They are just expecting me to pick up the slack when it all goes to shit

No they don’t own their own home. They live in a council house. Mum previously gambled away dad’s pension. Dad is a hoarder and wastes money buying crap to fill the house with. They under-claimed benefits for my brother for years and never bothered to check if they were getting enough despite moaning they were skint

I had a fall-out with my parents in 2016 over Brexit as I was saddened that it would be harder for me to try living and working in the EU in the future and I had mentioned this to them. They were very vicious and nasty about it and said they were glad they voted Brexit as now I couldn’t “bugger off” anymore

There were also a few unpleasant comments when I started dating a “foreigner”

No, you're right- they sound like totes responsible, self-less, kind parents who definitely have their children's best interests at heart 🙄😳

Nope, didn't say that. I said that you have absolutely no evidence to make the claim that they had their daughter in order to have someone to care for their son. That is an assumption you have made, not a fact.

So, what do you make of the behaviour quoted above- its hardly un-selfish behaviour is it?

Also, you haven't actually spelled out what you think OP should practically do apart from making veiled digs at her for being "selfish". Do you think she should give everything up in her life to care for her brother 24/7

I have been really shocked. Even with the overt racism seen in the UK, most measures in Germany are worse. I believe it - half German family, DC born here, all the privileges of being white and from an educated/economically strong background. Yet as soon as there is any dispute in school or on the sports field, DC are told Go back to your own country. Then the abuse against children with darker skin is horrific. There is also an undercurrent that anyone with a joint passport or different ethnicity can never be properly German. The scary thing is while racism plays out most people look the other way or excuse it.

This. ^ I get tired of the tedious attacks on the UK. It is NOT always grey and miserable and pissing down. 🙄 I mean it's been shite for the past 6 weeks, but it's bloody WINTER! We had an amazing summer last year - virtually 7 months of non-stop sun. I am SICK of the UK bashing.

Very selfish. As a pp said, we don't know if that is deliberate or the result of a pair of ND adults who are unable to make that decision, probably both.
I don't think the op should kill herself, I think she should make sure he is well housed, safe, happy, be in touch with SS regularly, keep a close eye on his finances etc. Or whatever else he needs.
I'm not sure your level of hyperbole helps your argument.

Another side of the coin. @tangotingo maybe moving many miles away WOULD be the best option. You do NOT want to be a carer for you brother. He is NOT your responsibility. If you stay, you will carer for your parents AND your brother, as well as your children. You will be a servant for the rest of your life.

DO NOT DO IT. Move!

She already stated earlier she was going to do that, advocate for him and keep an eye on things. She can still do that from another country so I am not sure why you keep going on and on about selfishness.

Ok, but if I was to try to make sure my sibling was well housed, safe, happy, that would absolutely destroy my life. That’s not an easy set of requirements! Ultimately I don’t have the power to make them happy and trying to do it would make it impossible for me to do anything else.

@DreadPirateLucy yeah, that's a good point. I mean, there are lots of people without disabilities who arent happy with their lives, dont like where they live and are quite unhappy or depressed in their lives. Not exactly a great deal a sibling can do about that. I dont think anyone can guarantee they can make their sibling "happy" for the rest of their life.

This. ^ That poster is going on about how SELFISH women are for saying they would refuse to put their life on hold, and cancel every life plan to care for their disabled brother, and how the OP is ruining her brother's life by 'leaving him,' and moving abroad....

But at no point has this poster addressed the fact that the OP (and any other woman doing the same) would have HER life ruined by being a servant and a carer to her brother for the rest of her life. No woman, including the OP should be emotionally blackmailed into cancelling her life plans to care for her disabled sibling. (Or man actually!)

The siblings are the parents responsibility. The OP's brother is her parents responsibilty. THEY need to make provisions for the brother's care, not expect the OP - his sister - to be his carer when they are gone. The OP owes him nothing, and she owes her parents nothing. She did not ask for any of this.

And NO-ONE would ever expect a MAN to do this. Give up his life plans to be a carer for a disabled sibling. Indeed, no MAN would do it!

Also, I strongly suspect that the OP's parents are pissed off and 'devastated' that she is moving abroad, because they will lose THEIR carer too.

.

There are lots of desperately unhappy disabled people, and plenty that can be done to help them. But that's moving away from the purpose of the op's post.

Never said anything about this being a job for a woman, it's a job for someone who cares for someone who needs support. Having a happy life yourself and making sure your siblings is well cared for, safe, and happy as they can be are not two mutually exclusive things.
Caring for my ND family members enhances my life, it doesn't ruin it. Does my life look different then it would otherwise? Yes. But it is far from ruined.

Yes, things can be done to help them, but noone can "guarantee" they are happy all the time. There are lots of unhappy non disabled people too.

My father got dementia and had to go into a nursing home for example. It was a very good nursing home and I checked it out regularly- it had excellent CQC ratings etc. He wasnt happy there though. He wanted to be at home but he couldn't safely live at home even with carers due to his dementia. There wasnt exactly a whole lot I could do about that as he couldn't live with me either.

Ok @SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight, lucky you, you have a sibling whose needs you feel able to meet while also living your life.

Can you accept that @tangotingo, and I, might have siblings whose needs we cannot meet while also having a life? That their needs might be higher, or more difficult, or our own needs and desires might be different to yours? That actually we are in the best position to judge how much we can do, and calling us selfish for that is pretty nasty?

At no point did I call you selfish. You are adults and free to make your own choices. This thread is not about you.

Sounds like you made the right decision for his wellbeing.

But where do you even start when the OP’s parents aren’t facilitating making the brothers life easier? This isn’t a battle that the OP can fight on her own. Their situation is desperately sad but frankly they’re not doing right by their son or the OP by not facing up to the situation and burying their heads in the sand. It would take a concerted, collective effort to put steps into place to help the brother and to make provisions for when they are no longer here that they should’ve put into place already by trying to help him live some semblance of a normal life and have some level of independence.

OP what do the half siblings say about their responsibilities towards your parent?

Ok, I think the general tone of your posts has been that OP (and, by implication, others in the same position) should take responsibility for her disabled sibling, but if in fact you’re not saying that then fair enough. I’m not sure what you are saying tbh.