To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

You should go. It sounds great.
But, i would heed the good advice you’ve had on here, paperwork-wise.
Red tape can bite you on the Arsch!

Totally agree - a balanced view is far more likely to lead to a sensible, realistic decision.

@tangotingo as my dear old Mum used to say, you cannot live your life by ‘what if?’ Or ‘if only’. I am your Mum’s age and have had a younger relative go live abroad. Cheap flights aplenty meant that I visited regularly. This arrangement would be continuing had she not decided to return. I say, you seem switched on and to have planned for this. Go - so what if you don’t like it? You can always come back, or go elsewhere. Very best of luck to you.

Edited to say - best to do it while child is small. Easy to teach a second (or third) language - kids don’t even see it as separate language, just different words for same thing, so no anxiety like we get when older!

Go and don’t look back. Live your life.

@SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight

It's up to the OP's parents to make provisions for their son when they're gone/arrange care. It is NOT up to the OP to be his carer. She is married and has her own family. You say her brother 'didn't ask for any of this' well neither did the OP - his sister. And NO, no-one owes anyone anything. And quite what you think the OP 'owes' her brother just eludes me.

You can keep doubling down, and be as determined to think you're right about this as much as you like, but the multiple responses to your posts/your opinions show that a LOT of people disagree with you, and you just MAY be wrong about this.

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You should go even just for few years putely so everyone, including you, gets the idea of you being a carer out of your head and have to make different plans....

But yes, you do need to be aware of what comes with having child abroad or having them live there for certain time.

I don't think the OP shouldn't go, indeed I think she should, but she shouldn't expect life in Germany to be full of roses and rainbows where all her dreams come true, and the sun shines every single day.

I can't believe the negative responses on this thread. Your plan must be triggering for some.

Firstly your parents sound awful, utterly awful, best to put a nice bit of distance between you and them ✅

People who claim you can’t possibly find a job in Germany are mistaken. Many sectors are actively looking for workers, and employers are struggling to fill vacancies. As a result, shops, bakeries, butcher’s stores, cafés often hire foreign staff, often those who are still learning German.

The fact that many Germans speak English will work in your favour at the beginning and Hamburg is a large, international city. You can always take a language course to improve your German and when your children go to kindergarten or start school, they’ll pick up the language very quickly.

Just go for it don’t wait too long and don’t overthink it. Think about the excellent healthcare your children will have access to there. It will be an incredible adventure for your whole family.

Not a popular opinion I know, and definitely one of the things about MN that I find the saddest.
I do think we owe each other something. My brother is similar to op's, not in a million years would I leave him to the 'care' of the state. I think society would be all the better if we cared for our loved ones a bit more.

Go and don't look back op.
This is your life, you only get one shot.

Do it. You need to live your own life.

You going will also give your parents a reality check in term of planning for what happens to your brother once they can no longer care for him and to plan for their old age too.

Do we? I honestly don’t think so. I don’t even like my disabled sibling, and they have done hundreds of things over the years that have hurt me, and now my children.

I didn’t choose them, I didn’t create them, I didn’t cause their issues. Where does my supposed responsibility for them come from?

We do all have a human responsibility to be broadly kind, not hurt others, help in a crisis, but I’m not convinced I have more responsibility than that to a sibling.

OP it sounds to me like you would be feeling this way with or without your partner. Your family sound stifling and your parents’ expectations that you will provide care for your brother for the rest of your life is downright cruel.

Go and live your life. You sound bored and lonely where you are, and you already have experience of living abroad so understand some of the challenges you might face. A lot of posters on Mumsnet are quite frankly frightened of moving towns rather than countries so I would take some of these posts with a pinch of salt. People move countries and continents all the time, it’s really not a big deal. And Germany is close by. Do it. But get married first.

Why obviously? Why should my happiness come first? Is that not the definition of selfishness?

Why should the OP's happiness come last? is that not the definition of selfishness from her parents?

What exactly are you expecting her to do? give up her entire life and live with her brother forever? so, she should never marry, never get a job, never have kids of her own and her entire life should only revolve around her brother. That doesn't sound remotely psychologically healthy at all.

OP has no legal responsibility for her sibling at all. You may feel that she has a moral responsibility but she could leave the UK and cut off all contact with her parents and sibling if that was what she wanted.

Her parents told OP that one of the reasons they voted for Brexit was so she couldn't leave the UK and live/work in an EU country so was stuck in the UK to be guilt tripped into becoming her brother's carer. They gloated about the result to OP for that very reason. They sound like utterly shitty parents to OP.

What’s wrong with being selfish? If you want to martyr yourself to the whims and needs of every one else around you then crack on, but the OP clearly doesn’t want to. What is selfish is raising a child with the expectation that they will merely exist on the planet to service your other child’s needs, and emotionally manipulating them throughout their life to accept it.

What is selfish is raising a child with the expectation that they will merely exist on the planet to service your other child’s needs, and emotionally manipulating them throughout their life to accept it.

Yep- this is peak selfishness and quite shocking

Exactly. I have heard some awful tales of things going wrong when someone marries someone from overseas and they split up.

A woman I knew once moved to Australia, married a man there, and had 2 children with him. 8 years after meeting him and 6 years after marrying him in Australia, the children were 4 and 2, and the marriage broke down very badly.

She could return home. Whenever she liked. She was not allowed to take the children to the UK though. She could only take them if her husband gave permission for her to do so. He didn't give permission.

She had to stay there, unhappy and alone, with no friends, and no family. Her husband even managed to get 50-50 custody, and she had to stay in Australia if she wanted to have the children in her life. I never knew what happened to her, or if/when she left Australia, or if the children came to the UK with her (if she came back.) But she was utterly broken at the time. (This was around 2012.)

That said, this won't necessarily happen with the OP, but I have to agree, if things go wrong, (when you have moved abroad to be with someone,) the fall out can be devastating. (Especially if you have had children with that person.)

I also do not blame the OP for wanting to move 100s - or even 1000s of miles away to avoid being her brother's carer. I bet this is what is pissing off the parents more than anything, (about her leaving for another country,) they can't push her into being his carer!

Would any MAN put his life on hold, to be a carer for a disabled sibling? As if!

.

The OP is more likely to be able to create a satisfying life for herself rather than her dysfunctional family. Even if she martyred herself completely for her brother it sounds like some bad decisions have been made by the parents that would limit what good she can do.

I know someone who sadly became a full time carer for disabled sister. Her mum passed away and the dad upped and left and remarried and started a new life. This person has resigned herself to never having her own family and hasn’t been able to have a relationship because she doesn’t have the time because of caring responsibilities. She is utterly miserable and quite rightly feels she has no life of her own. She’s only early 40s. Her dad has been the selfish one completely shirking his responsibilities. She’s done a very noble thing but she has completely sacrificed her own life. I’m not sure I think it’s the right thing to do

Fuck me. That’s a truly perverse statement from the OPs parents.
If i was sitting on the fence, as the OP currently is, then that pure crystallised form of passive aggressive guilt tripping, would see me waiting outside the door of the German embassy the next day.
That’s utter contempt.

They’ve had their 20s, and presumably did as they wished, family-wise.
Now, it’s @tangotingo ‘s turn.

A sea of distance between her and her family will do her the world of good.

It sounds like you’ve thought it through, and I think you’re right in thinking you’ll have a better QOL over in Germany / the EU.

I think your future in the UK, with the expectations and pressure your parents will apply to you, sounds utterly grim and miserable. I would grab the opportunity to move with both hands. Good luck in your new life :-)

Like some sort of support animal.

This is so sad. I know of similar instances and in one case, the person ended up suicidal because of it.