To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Yes, v interesting.

your wish to emigrate and escape is reasonable. But you should get married before you give up your independence and become a sahm. You already said that you unusually won’t be able to work in Germany. You therefore need the protection marriage affords.

Sorry I seemed to miss page 2 of updates. I’d probably go sooner than you are planning!

My points are not really advice for you, you’ve considered all, I was imagining my mindset if I was moving in your circumstances.

Maybe I’m not the person to advise as it took me a long time but I am happy now to be settled/ when I say home I don’t mean where I’m from.

OP it seems you've had to justify yourself over and over here. You've done your research and in my opinion you should absolutely go for it. My friend's daughter married a Dutch guy and ended up moving there and raising kids in Rotterdam. She found it hard at first but loves it now.

I’m 59 and have two daughters in their 20s. As much as I would feel sad they were further away I would encourage them to live their lives. If that’s what you need to do then you have to go for it.

Groomed by your Eastern European boyfriend 😂😂😂 that’s outrageous. OP I’m sorry you’re getting comments like this.

Appreciate everyone’s experiences are different but I found the Germans fun and friendly when I lived abroad. A bit different to the English sense of humour, but that’s half the fun isn’t it.

You are being completely reasonable. If you feel you and your children will have a happier life you would be unreasonable to not go.

I moved to Germany (although nowhere near Hamburg) with a toddler and a baby, and have zero plan to move back to the UK. I found it very easy to make friends through English playgroups and other expat groups. It has been far easier overall than in the UK because we all have something in common - not being German.

I suggest doing some research into local English groups - there are multiple Facebook groups for English-speakers in Germany. I’d recommend searching “English speakers Hamburg” and going for a visit to get a feel for the place and different areas.

The child would have school friends wherever they went to school. There are great opportunities for kids who grow up abroad.

It is easy to get from the UK to northern Germany.

Hamburg is a beautiful city, but very wet and expensive.

Germany is not the most welcoming of countries. There is appalling racism. The more you learn the language, the more shocking it is. There has been a really strong change in the last decade.

You genuinely sound like you hate your parents OP so I’m not sure why “devastating” your mother by emigrating would bother you. You really sound quite insulting and even a bit snobby when you talk about them like you are sooo much better than them. Maybe they couldn’t help having kids in their 40s due to medical issues and they certainty couldn’t help having an autistic child. you complain about it all being on you as the only NT child but then you say you deliberately one to be “one and done” and so inevitably will put the same pressure on your child one day

Go to Germany if that’s what you want. You certainly don’t like your parents enough that they would be the deciding factor to stay

Well, yes 🤷🏻

It's true you will not be able to move the children.
I seperated from mine 5 years later. His heart was never in the move. He is neurodiverse, a usless father with many rules for the children, that change whenever something doesn't go right. He has no friends and isnt proactive in finding work. Hes stuck now because he cant take the kids home with him.
Me on the otherhand have a thriving business. Its all his doing.
Don't be a sahm forever. Get a business, drive and get your own finances in order.

When i moved to canada age 20 i didnt work, didnt drive. My ex controlled the finances i was miserable. Please protect youself. Its a huge step. It will be scary.

I hope you have a fanrastic time. The UK is a dump.

Do it but lose the negativity around it. This is your chance to change your life.

Put yourself first.

Your Mum is probably scared that she will have to sort care out in the future - too bad. I would go in a heartbeat.

Do your homework so to speak and if everything fits then do it. Have a plan B should it all go wrong. I think you should go.

Whilst I don't have any experience of moving abroad, I'll leave others to offer advice on that, I get what it's like to be stuck in a rut in a life you don't enjoy. In my experience you do often need to take a risk to get yourself out of this. Things tend to stay the same or get worse when you're passive.

That being said it would be a good idea to see how parenting goes, a lot of men only reveal their true colours when expected to step up like this. I'd also be concerned about embarking on such a step with someone I'm not married to.

I would would check whether you are able to. We recently got German passports for our kids and it’s a right palaver they are extremely strict and bureaucratic.

So one of the reasons why your parents voted for Brexit is to remove your ability to live and work in another EU country to keep you trapped in the UK so you can care for them and your brother?

Honestly, I'd go completely no contact with them for that level of sheer spite and selfishness. Their xenophobia is also utterly repellent. No wonder you want to leave.

Obviously her own happiness and that of her child and fiance are more important to her than her brother's. She has no responsibility for her sibling and it is very unreasonable and selfish of her parents to expect her to take over his care.

The parents and brothers situation sounds so bad with the hoarding and no though for the future that it's not as if the OP staying is going to help much.

We were in Kosice, Slovakia a few weeks ago and were out for dinner at 9pm. There was families out with young children on bike rides in the city centre! So lovely. Any major city in the UK is bedlam at that time

OK, you keep saying this but this is absolute nonsense. I live in a major UK city in the south by the sea and it's not "bedlam" at 9pm at all. There are always loads of families out and about at that time, going out for dinners, having lovely BBQs on the beach, waking their dogs, families strolling about, its just a lovely, chilled, friendly atmosphere.

I dont know why you keep insisting that everywhere in the UK turns into Syria after 9pm. That's patently untrue and more than a little dramatic and silly.

@tangotingo - I have a disabled sibling with mental health issues, and ageing difficult parents.

We considered emigrating about 15 years ago, and could have walked into good jobs overseas then, but stayed because they needed me.

We massively HUGELY regret that choice.

They have become more difficult with age, my sibling has become more demanding as my parents can do less, they have pushed and manipulated, and needed more and more support, it’s never ending, and it’s been incredibly hard and painful to put boundaries in place and make them respect those. We actually got to the point where I had almost no contact with them because I could no longer stand dealing with them, and then I started getting hassled by social services and care coordinator teams pressuring me to get involved again.

When I told DH I felt I was going to have to go back to the weekly visits and the phone calls and organising from afar he told me he thought it would destroy our marriage, as he couldn’t keep carrying the load with our own house and children while barely seeing me, that’s what gave me the push to completely disengage and let the state support them, now I just check they’re ok.

People who have not dealt with those kind of family situations often don’t appreciate how awful they are, or how much being a carer will destroy your own life.

We have seriously considered moving home just to put physical distance between us, but the kids are happy in school here, youngest is autistic so it’s hard to move him, so we have made the decision to stick it out.

But staying here for family was a horrible huge mistake, biggest of my life. So - in your shoes I would absolutely move. Maybe it’s great, maybe there are challenges along the way, but from your posts on here you’re obviously smart and thoughtful - you’ll figure it out! And moving anywhere with young children is a great time to find a new community and make friends at playgroups etc. I think you’ll be fine.

I mean, it is the British way!