To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

That mindset is just anathema to me, I don't and never will understand.

Go explore the world OP

@tangotingo please do what’s best for you and your family. Germany is not far from the UK. My DD lives away from us with her family. We keep in touch and no way on earth would I have tried to stop her moving. Your parents have made their choices and have to live with them. Enjoy your new lives and don’t allow anyone to guilt you into doing something different.

Yes. She doesn’t owe him the rest of her life as his carer.

I think go for it. I openly admit I would to avoid being a lifelong carer for a disabled sibling or abusive parents.

But you can't ignore the 'what if' questions. In my late 40's now and I've seen even the 'most likely to survive' couples split and the fallout can be grim. You don't know what's coming, so although you hope it never happens, you do need to be prepared. Just look out for yourself.

Go, OP, don't hesitate. You sound like a lovely, level-headed person and deserve happiness. You only have one life, after all.

I'm somewhat like your partner, also an EU citizen, originally from an EE country, moved to the UK 15 years ago, have a settled status now. And I'm moving back this year.

I was never an 'economic migrant', I had a good (financially) life back 'home', friends and a wealthy family. But due to various personal reasons, I was not in a good place emotionally and needed a change. So I came to the UK. Got a job, paid taxes and all the rest.

But I cannot stand it here anymore. It changed a lot, and not for the better. I travel quite a bit, mostly Europe, but further afield too. Admittedly, to the so-called 'first world' developed countries only, so far.

And for the past few times I landed in the UK, it just hit me. I came back from a sunny, gorgeous Budapest, at the end of summer. Landed. And... It's just so shit. Dreary, grey, cold, humid, pissing down. Everything's run down, rubbish in the streets, grey, crumbling buildings, an excruciatingly expensive train, which was again (surprise surprise!!) delayed, cost me more than the flight to Buda and back, and was dirty and shabby inside.

And so it happened a few times afterwards. Wherever I've been, wherever I've landed from, it was the same effect. Virtually every other country/city I visited was just better, cleaner, orderlier, and had much better weather. Nice, Cannes, Berlin, Krakow, Prague, Tokyo, Copenhagen, my home country - everywhere. So I thought to myself, just what the everloving fuck am I doing here? Nothing connects me to this country. It's shit. I hate it here. Four seasons? Two seasons more like it. +15/18 and pissing down in spring-summer and +10/15 and pissing down in autumn-winter. It's bloody ALWAYS. PISSING. DOWN.

So I'm finally quitting. You should, too.

You aren’t required to.

I can’t say that I understand yours either, or that I have any interest in familiarizing myself with it.

Having done this, I think you have to be careful in thinking that moving to a new place will solve everything. You’ll just bring the problems you already have with you. It’s hard work and stressful moving, but life is so short. Great to go on a few adventures.

I have similar feelings when returning to the UK after being in mainland Europe. Even visiting my partner’s historically deprived country I find the atmosphere to be much more uplifting and safer than the UK. People are moving back to partner’s home country in droves because of how shit the UK has become.

We were in Kosice, Slovakia a few weeks ago and were out for dinner at 9pm. There was families out with young children on bike rides in the city centre! So lovely. Any major city in the UK is bedlam at that time.

The UK is always just horrible to come back to.
Yes probably it’s that feeling of your holiday being over bla bla ba but for me it’s a sense of dread. I have serious issues with the UK in many aspects. I don’t really want my child to have to grow up here. I hate the terraced houses and cramped streets, row upon row of terraces that look exactly the same. Litter strewn about all over the place. People shouting at hotels around the corner from where we live. The fact we will pay £900 a month for full time childcare at our local nursery even with the 30 “free” hours.

Brexit made me hate the UK to be honest, it took away and chance of progression for us.

You're not being selfish, but pinning all your hopes of happiness on another country where you don't speak the language, and won't have any wider a social circle and less way to get one, doesn't seem sensible.

Moving to Canada, into (I assume) an English speaking community, as a single person, is quite quite different. I'm sure you can make a go of it but I really think you need to take off your rose-tinted specs.

I think OP - you’ve made your mind up. You’re going. Why did you feel the need to ask on here - if you are so sure? You not been sound like you like your family that much anyway. Good luck in Germany. Hopefully it all works out.

Who’s responsibility is it? Not saying to be clear it’s OPs but fact someone has to care for him is a given… should taxpayers be responsible? Maybe they should but from OPs Mum’s pov it must be biggest worry she has. What happens to DS when she is gone. If OP had two children, once like her DS she’d maybe understand better where her Mum is coming from on this.

I’ll DM you

@BollyMolly I think YABU to call OP's Mum incredibly selfish just because she said to her daughter "please don't emigrate" before emigration had even been seriously considered. It’s completely natural for a mother not to want the daughter she loves (only child who doesn’t have disabilities) to go and live in another country, meaning any grandchildren would also be in another country.

That's not to say I think OP is being selfish or shouldn’t do it, but let’s not pretend it won’t be a huge blow to her mother.

OP, it’s your life and you must do what you think is best for you and your partner. But I have to say some of the reasons you’ve given seem quite weak, e.g. the weather, and you are visualising life in Germany through rose-tinted glasses. You don’t like the area you live in? Why not move? You don’t have any good friends? Why do you think it will be easier to make good friends with people who don’t even speak the same language as you? In any case, it’s easy to make friends at antenatal cases, baby and toddler groups, etc. You seem to be pinning everything on your partner's sister - but remember she already has her own life and friends and might not want to be with you all the time.

Your OP doesn’t really match the content of your posts. V little about your mum. When are you going to speak to her? Would you get power of attorney over their finances? Will any of your family be able to visit? The sooner you talk to her the better.

Or move to London! It’s great here. I don’t find it remotely depressing and would not live anywhere else, including Germany, if you paid me ;-)

The thing is, I wouldn’t want power of attorney over their finances. I know it sounds awful of me.

Most people accept they’ll end up caring for elderly parents but I’ll have my brother too and no other siblings who would support. Half-siblings are not interested. And due to them having me older, I’ll likely still be in the depths of raising my own family at the time they all need significant care.

I want the state to care for them when the time comes and I visit them now and again to spend time with them. I feel awful saying it but there it is.

They won’t visit. They don’t like travelling.

She seems to have suspected for years I’ll end up emigrating and always tells me to not consider it as “we will all need you”.

I wouldnt make such a drastic move without being married. If he ends things or whatever you will be in a really vunerable position in another country without legal rights

@tangotingo id go .
Id be down the registry office first though.

I live away from my family . I cut myself up over it . Things will settle down .

Her mother may want her to be her brother’s carer, but she is unreasonable to expect that.

That it’s the mother’s biggest worry does not make it OP’s burden to carry.

I would just go. You have one life and the focus of your attention should be on your baby and husband/ partner. It’s a short flight back to the uk if you need to.
Do it

Go

I have lived in a few different countries and while I have at times been very homesick I have also enjoyed my time. You will likely make friends with other British people as people who have moved all over the world will often make friends with people from their home country.

Germany has a higher standard of living culture is certainly different and many Germans speak excellent English which will be helpful

this cools be the best choice you even make or it may not work out but you at least tried

I had a fall-out with my parents in 2016 over Brexit as I was saddened that it would be harder for me to try living and working in the EU in the future and I had mentioned this to them. They were very vicious and nasty about it and said they were glad they voted Brexit as now I couldn’t “bugger off” anymore. I haven’t really gotten over it and it contributed to my decision to go to Canada for 2 years. But the desire to move to Europe never really went away.

There were also a few unpleasant comments when I started dating a “foreigner” though they did come round and like him now.

You lived in Canada for 2 years? What job did you do? Why did you return?

I was a hotel receptionist for a year then became a trainer for new staff (sort of a low level supervisor). It was fun but I didn’t want to be in North America long term even though I could’ve extended my visa. I love Europe - the old architecture, all the different languages, all the different cultures and foods within one continent all accessible through short and cheap flights.

I'm also interested in which (Western, you said) European country your friend with a child of colour moved to. Why can't you say it on the thread? You've hardly given identifiable info about your friend. You're discussing what several different countries are like, it's odd that you're being coy about this.