To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Nasty and unnecessary.

Wasn't meant that way.

Vile.

OP what is the proposed income for your partner and the price of rentals?

OP seems to be blaming her parents for many things and is clearly feeling resentful. Parenting is very hard and on a completely different level if your child has special needs. I have yet to meet a parent who has got everything right and OP's parents have likely struggled which is understandable.
As OP feels so resentful, there is little point in her staying as resentment will escalate.
I am not a parent of a special needs child but I know parents who are and there permanent worry is the wellbeing of their child when they are no longer here, that's a natural protective instinct of parenting.
It seems unfair that OP's parents are being blamed for their perceived mistakes including having their children later.
They will have every right to be upset but that is outweighed by OP's resentment and associated emotional distance from them.
The family is already fractured and I can't see that being resolved by OP staying.
This isn't a criticism, I have experience of fractured family life

you're not unreasonable at all for wanting to go - go to hamburg and build an amazing life for yourself and your family. my only advice make sure you do your best to build a bit of independent social life and network for yourself just in case. so your life is not totally dependent on your husband and his family.

I would give it a go and think you would always regret it if you don't.
I am now Nana age and would be sad if any of my children and grandchildren moved away but would be even sadder if I thought they were missing their life chances because of me, let alone expected to provide care. You are very sensible to leave under your current circumstances.
My daughters each have a friend living in Germany, both love it and have no plans to return. DD1s friend went straight after university, having met a German boy who she later married and now has a family with. She told us that, to her, Germany feels safer and more family orientated.
DD2s friend met a German boyfriend on a student exchange trip, he moved to the UK and they married but, after some years, they moved in their 30s to Germany and are now expecting their first child.
Go for it!

If this were one of my own DC I'd miss them terribly, but I'd never want them to think "I wonder, what if". You must live your life in the way you feel you want to.
Good luck for the future.

That’s because you’re in Liverpool. I’m in the SE and our weather is pretty much the same as our German in laws, except less snow. So you don’t have to go all that way- what about Portsmouth?

But if you want to go start learning German now. I really like the language.

Hamburg is only just over 90 minutes by plane from London, so it's not like emigrating to somewhere far away like Australia, South Africa or Canada. I picked two random dates in March and a return flight with Ryanair can be had for as little as £38 return. That's closer and cheaper than moving from say, London to Edinburgh.

Having lived and worked in Hamburg I can say that it's very cosmopolitan, very welcoming to people from all over the world (as one of Europe's major trading and shipping centres it has always been an international city) and while it is a large city it is not overwhelming.

Whether or not the emotional aspect of moving somewhere new can be dealt with is something for the OP to evaluate, but as far as being a destination to move to there are far, far worse places than Germany in general and Hamburg in particular.

Totally agree. Having a child that can't look after themselves that will be alone in the world once you die is utterly terrifying. I can't imagine how it will feel to hear that their sister won't be on hand to protect them, utterly heartbreaking.
You're going to move op, that much is clear, but try to have some compassion for your parents, and most of all for your brother, who asked for none of this.

This. I travel to Germany a lot for work and have a lot of German friends. Their lifestyle is fantastic and it’s a great upbringing for kids. I wouldn’t hesitate @tangotingo.

It's not the OP's responsibility to look after her brother when her parents die.

It is, but the proactive thing is to sort matters ahead of time.

I've had this conversation with my children, made sure they know they have to live their own lives. We all know what to expect and have put things in place. Suddenly, it's less terrifying and the anxiety is much less.

Moving to Germany shouldn’t devastate your parents as it’s not far away!

You can’t tar the whole of the UK with the same brush but not all of Liverpool is shit. And if you can’t make friends with then you won’t make them anywhere! They are very friendly! The climate in the north west can be rubbish though!

Sorry, I think you've misunderstood my intentions. I was responding directly to this

It’s odd that some people have read my post and seem to see me as very meek and incapable. Is it because I don’t have a high flying career?

...and I think the posters you're talking about aren't thinking about your career but are more concerned about you because you said you don't have any friends where you are.

Emigrate. You owe that to your coming child. Be happy. However, Germany is not far away and you should use your move to encourage your parents to plan for your brother's future. You will be around, but not as his carer.

I understand posters who are concerned but I’m not saying we’ll be going next week. I’m currently pregnant.

We just want to start looking into it. Starting to learn the language. Maybe spend some time there when I’m on maternity leave (to see if we can get apartment viewings, catch up with SIL, put DP in contact with their friends from home country who could help him find employment etc) and see how things are “on the ground”.

We’re not just going to show up, rent an AirBandB and hope for the best.

It was very selfish of your mother to ask you never to emigrate. I will miss my children dreadfully if they emigrate but I’d be so proud to have raised children wanting to make that huge leap.
They sound like they’re depending on you to look after both them and your brother when the time comes. I do not blame you one iota for not wanting to do that. It is not your responsibility, it is theirs. Grab this opportunity with both hands and live your own life rather than fitting into an expectation.

My God girl, just go and live your life. Don't look back. You don't owe anyone anything. Focus on your own little family now and do what you feel will make you all happy. You deserve it. You are far too young to be bogged down with the worry and responsibility of elderly parents and a disabled brother.

This is the sort of thing people don't think about when they decide it's absolutely fine to leave having babies until they are in their forties. It's not fair for women to end up as carers for their elderly parents while they've still got very young children of their own.

Haven't read all the comments yet but feel for you in your dilemma. My take is that your first duty now is to your child before your parents. What life do you want them to live, what opportunities will they have here v there?

I have lived abroad several times and know many others who have and there is often a tricky period (usually 6 months or so after you get there) when you feel flat or depressed and wonder what on earth you've done. This could coincide with post-natal depression for you - think about the timing, first baby, massive culture change and no family nearby all at the same time. Likely to put real pressure on your relationship. Could you have the baby in the UK and move afterwards - do some visits back and forth for fact-finding with the money you've saved?

As far as learning German goes, you are likely going to have to get to a really advanced level for employment purposes (in your admin or customer service sphere) and that takes a lot of commitment and time. Most Germans can speak excellent English so your language won't give you an advantage like it might in some other countries - although possibly you might be able to give conversation classes in English as an income stream. The level they'll probably want is C1 which is above A'level, I think - check out Common European Framework of Reference for Languages which is the EU-wide agreed proficiency levels.

Generally I think people who have the get-up-and-go to move abroad will make a success of it but do the homework first.

You have 1 life. Live it. GO!
Your mum should not put this on you. Guilt I mean

@Thankyouitwasdelicious Excellent post, kind and constructive, with some very good advice.

Yes I understood what you meant, I dont see OP as meek or anything however but I did get why others might put the lack of friendship down to that

I think its really hard to make friends in adulthood so I understand why OP might not have any.