To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

@tangotingo you are not being selfish. You are living your life.

They had their chances and made their choices and it's now time for you to alao make your own choices.

Go for it!

My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career,

have you ever had a career @tangotingo ? Or always low paid / unskilled?

I could have written some of this, @tangotingo, except I was in my mid-thirties when I moved country (am 42 now). My parents and brother have only visited me twice in the six years I've lived here, due to my dad's mobility issues and brother being basically hikikomori in his late thirties. My mum won't travel to visit me on her own either. Their house has stuff hoarded up and going there gives me anxiety. They also live in a part of the UK which used to be OK, but has really gone downhill in terms of crime rates.

I also have an only child and we moved next to my father-in-law in the new country. My son has no cousins, though, and is unlikely to ever have them. Grass is not necessarily greener in the new country - it has been very hard to make new friends, and it is a lot more remote - but we had to move here due to my husband's business.

Hamburg is lovely, though... I've been there a few times for work. I think you should go for it. It sounds like staying in the UK is not an appealing prospect, for many reasons, and you would have more to look forward to in Germany. It is hard to make friends just about anywhere once you have a baby, but your partner's sister should be able to help with introductions.

Before I elaborate on this question I want to know what you’re thinking in regards to how it will affect me moving to Germany?

The way you ask questions seems to be slightly judgemental and like you’re trying to put me down.

Should point out that my new country is only a 1-hour flight from the UK...

A) if you’ve only been low skilled and low paid unsatisfying jobs - I don’t see how that will change in Germany?

Did I ever say I expect to become a high flying psychologist in Germany? I absolutely don’t.

I’m not too fussed about a career, I regret not doing higher education in a different subject but it’s too late now. I’m happy now to focus on family life and just take a job to top-up DH’s income even if it’s not a “career”.

Do I ever say you did?

you find work unsatisfying here. That will be feeding your misery. If you’ve only ever worked In low skills and low paid work in Uk - that is what will likely await you in Germany

I think you are looking for reasons to justify your move - you don't need reason - you are free to move.

You will need to learn the language, you will need to make friends. You can't just rely on two other family members and their children, or each other.

Why not try it and if it doesn't work out you return or move on.

Are your parents getting everything they are entitled to?? They shouldn't be skint if they either have two state pensions, pension credit and claiming appropriately for your brother? Age Concern or CAB can help with this. Do they own their own home?

You are not selfish at all. You are putting your family (partner and child) first.
Germany is known for excellent birth and postpartum support (not sure how it works for immigrants, but worth looking into!)
Once you are there you can also move about if you want to go to another city.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

No they don’t own their own home. They live in a council house. Mum previously gambled away dad’s pension. Dad is a hoarder and wastes money buying crap to fill the house with. They under-claimed benefits for my brother for years and never bothered to check if they were getting enough despite moaning they were
skint. All the more reason I, quite frankly, don’t want to ever have to take responsibility for any of them.

I probably have built up some deep resentment towards them over the years. They fucked things up. The thought of having to run around after them all in 10 or so years makes me feel physically ill.

I migrated in my 20s, and it was generally successful, but I was not a parent so my DH's shortcomings were not a problem. Having read your earlier posts, I think you should move.

I would also question this

are they getting PIP for your brother, attendance allowance for your father etc

I don't think you are being selfish, but your parents are in a very similar situation to me. They sound like they may have issues themselves - neurodivergence perhaps, hoarding is definitely a red flag. We are older parents and my son is similar, AuDHD, refuses to go out except college, no friends, refuses a mobile phone etc. There is nowhere to get help. I can't force a strapping 19 year old to leave the house. My lovely DD is at university, but I know she will be off working abroad as soon as she gets the chance and it will break my heart. Hopefully, you can at least discuss it with them.

Her parents sound like a nightmare! Even more reasons to relocate. Mother gambles, dad is a hoarder, and brother's needs are only just short of the asylum.

Just organise and leave OP. You will sort out your life, and it will be much better.

I would only warn you that learning German just to a non-professional, general conversational standard is likely to take a year or more of very dedicated study - talking like a couple of hours a day, not just taking a class every week. I think lots of people really underestimate how difficult it is to learn a foreign language as an adult, even if you live in the country where it's spoken (I was one of them, that's how I know!) Other than that, though, I think it sounds like a completely reasonable plan.

Oh do what you like and justify it however you like, just be aware life isn’t always roses and we can all ‘fuck things up’ over the years. Easy to judge when you’re in your 20s and your first child isn’t even born yet

Whatever you decide to do, just make sure that you don't start caring for your parents or your brother.

You need to live your own life. Caring for three people will be too stressful.

This is sad OP but understandable. It does sound like a mess. Perhaps as other posters have said there is some neurodivergence on their side as well. I do hope you can leave on good terms if you do make the move. The hand you’ve been dealt is crappy but so is theirs, even if they’ve contributed to some of that as well

I understand why you feel the way you do, and I'd be the same- but I really think you should go. It sounds like a great opportunity!

It's not a big deal, OP. I went to Berlin last month & I was there by lunchtime. It would have taken me twice the time to get to Cornwall. I know people who have moved to France to get a cheaper home. I know others who spend six months in one place, then six months here. They all manage to visit their families regularly. Cheap flights make it all possible. Just try it and see. You can always come back.

Go for it. You are a young couple. It will be an adventure. UK will still be there if you want to move back in the future.

Ah, OP you sound fab. I’m a late mum like your parents (sorry, I was too busy enjoying my 20s and 30s to have kids!), and I’d be delighted and my heart would be full if my daughter grew up with her head screwed on, in a happy relationship and looking at broader horizons to start a new happy life with her little family. Ok - it may not not work out. But it might. Like I tell me kids - nothing is irreversible. If something goes wrong, you can always change it. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

My job as her mum would be to hear the determination and hope hiding behind the doubt in her voice, as I hear in you, and encourage her to go for it. Go. Live. All the best to you.

I would still visit them 2-3 times a year, thank god for cheap Ryanair flights. But I just don’t feel as though I have a strong enough support system from anyone to want to stay in the UK for that. People on this thread have been asking why I don’t have friends. Ironically my closest friend moved to a mainland country in Western Europe Europe herself with a child and is thriving there!

I know I’m trading one set of problems for another…but I just feel compelled to go and get through it. People do huge international moves all of the time and end up settling and staying. My manager at work emigrated from India 10 years ago not speaking a word of English, they are now my manager! Partner has done it before not knowing the language when he came to the UK and is now willing to do it again.

I really don’t want to raise a baby in this part of the UK with all of the youth knife crime in this area too.