To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

I don’t see myself settling in Canada despite DP having family there. He says the same.

It’s incredibly expensive to be in the city where the family is and hard to find accommodation. It doesn’t have the level of support for families that Germany has. Also the paid time off there for workers is abysmal. I’d hate to be a working mum in Canada. We’d be forced to have a car as suburbs are not walkable. I’m not keen on the lack of regulation in regards to what they put in their foods in North America (I know the US is worse for that but I found I felt unhealthier in Canada and meat had an odd texture) and struggled to adjust to the food when living there. We’re not keen on North America overall.

At the risk of sounding ageist, may I ask how old you are OP?
No problem if you don't want to answer

Go live your life. I only have one young adult child and I have already told him he can spread his wings and go anywhere and do anything without guilt over leaving us.
Life is too short to be miserable.

I’d say go for it too. I had a similar family set up- difficult father who was a hoarder, brother with lifelong mental illness whom I strongly suspect is on the autistic spectrum as I’m sure was my dad. Dad made no provision for brother either and now it’s all down to me to support him. If I wasn’t there he’d be in sheltered housing ( which he would resist ) after some crisis and in the long run it would he better fit him. FWIW it sounds to me like your father is probably neurodivergent too.
Do bear in mind that after a honeymoon period any foreign country will have things that grate and being a foreigner can be hard to live with day to day. But I can see how Germany makes sense for you, your husband and children.

We loved living in Germany. I would go back in a flash. Plenty of German people speak great English. They can be awkward about pronunciation if you try to speak German but that’s understandable. I hope you love it. We were both in the forces but my friend’s partner was not, did not speak German and managed to find work but this was twenty years ago.

You are utterly miserable. That’s clear. And doesn’t look like your status quo will in any meaningful change. And given you don’t seem at all close to your parents - I doubt they’ll be devastated.

So nothing to lose. Good a reason as any!

You should go - I already said that... I think what most people are saying on here is just to be careful. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, and of course, when you are there, make sure you try and make friends - church, local community, migrant community (don't like the word expat) and of course, baby/toddler play groups. Of course, work friends as well. I left my home country when I was early 20s. Have lived in the UK longer than my home country. Married a local. Have 2 kids. Many of my friends are from work and parents of my children's friends. And church. I had a big birthday recently and the pub was packed with friends from church, children's friends, ex-work colleagues and even current work colleagues zoomed in.

You already have an idea why your friendships haven't quite blossomed where you currently are - that's fine... just be aware when you're over there. You talk about living in a rough area now and you're not aligned...that's fine - just make sure when you're over there, to find a neighbourhood that's aligned with your values.

I know when I first moved over here, I was alone/single and was living in temporary accommodation. Work friends told me where to stay and where not to stay. And when I was ready, friends took me round to those areas and houses that I could afford... and we went from there. That's really important. We stayed there for 5 years, had both kids and then moved to a larger house in a different neighbourhood because by then we had made other friends and had a better idea of what sort of areas suited us (kids, school etc more important by that time).

Anyway, all the best. Do make sure you are married before you go (legal status), start learning the language now (even if you don't move, you'll have your partner's family to chat with and their eventual children), and you need your own savings - don't just rely on him. Even now, married 20 years, I am here on my own accord, not linked to spouse or whatever. And I have my own income.

id 100% leave if i were you, but i think you are idealising germany a bit. your partner is from a historically poor EE country (as am I),he will have a different reference point than you.

germany can be very lonely if you dont speak German, and you may never truly feel ‘at home’, it is incredibly difficult to integrate in german speaking environments i find.

still better than the life you are describing in the uk

Not selfish at all. Germany is but a few hours away and you only get one chance at this life. Go in with your eyes open, but do go. Don’t stay for your mum, however painful that might be. Make plans to pop back over a couple of times a year for sure (but don’t stay with them). Good luck

Emigrating while dependent on someone else’s citizenship and having limited employment prospects makes you extremely vulnerable. You really should not be glossing over that problem. Even if your partner is a prince among men, people get sick or injured. A woman in my small town had her entire life turned upside down by the immigration implications of her husband being murdered. Not only did she have to grieve, she had to deal with the fact that suddenly she had no right to her entire life.

If you are going to do this, please meet with an immigration attorney first. Make sure you understand all the possible scenarios you might face.

As for your parents, you aren’t actually moving that far. I live much further away from my family in multiple directions and we are all still in the same country.

Go for it but get married first!

Do it. It only makes you feel guilty as all good normal people (like you) feel guilt over this kind of thing, because they are empathetic & kind. It's like an automatic reaction. Doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

And if you need a reason to force your hand, you need to be a good mother now & put your baby first. 100% hands down moving is what will give your baby the best, safest & healthiest start to life. Don't deny your little one that through misplaced guilt.

We’d also miss being able to holiday in Europe and visit different countries at the drop of a hat. I’ve always fancied living in mainland Western Europe for many reasons

Not so. I lived overseas in the US in my 20s. It was awesome. Do it, and be brave. The UK is currently not a place to build a successful future. The government does not have a scooby about how to create growth, much less prosperity. Do be alert to the pitfalls, because there are lots. But be aware that life in Germany is also no picnic. Germany's economy is in the doldrums too, as is France.

So I live in Germany near Hamburg. There is no way you can live on one persons wage there. Rents are high and apartments are hard to find. It’s also rains in north Germany a lot more than it does in England.

your partner will be ok if he gets a job at the company you speak about. But you will struggle. Not only the language but also they don’t tend to accept foreign qualifications/ apprenticeship papers .

xou can still probably achieve a higher living standard than in the uk, but you need to be a bit more realistic that it’s going to be hard,

Good grief, move, woman.

Your parents should want what's best for you. Not the other way around.

Go, and don't look back!

I lived in Spain 8 years. We met in the UK
and moved over when DD was 18months for lovely romantic reasons, an adventure, and to build my Spanish DH’s profession quick depending on where the best contract was (Cheffing)
I had 3 x more DCs there.
We moved back to the UK when youngest was 3 after I pushed for it under the blanket of my husband then being sufficiently trained able to go into management /head cheffing mon- fri, sociable hours etc.
The truth was I was unhappy and terrified of getting stuck there unable to leave him as either he wouldn’t let the kids leave with me or that the kids would reach an age where they wouldn’t want to.
Within 6 months we had broken up
Poor bugger still in the UK as it’s where his DC and GDCs live, I know he feels trapped and lonely outside of those relationships.

I would never have dated him of if I had known that ultimately one of us would have ended up in limbo land alone and isolated from where we come from.

Thank you. I’m assuming Hamburg has “commuter towns”? Do they tend to be more affordable than the city itself? I’d love to learn more about the specifics. We’d be getting a car and DP would be happy to commute up to 30 mins if had a job in the city.

Sorry OP, I really don't like posting without reading the whole post - But I've jumped in here. I've lived in Germany a long time, Apologise again, but is your partner's skill relevant to EADS in Hamburg? If it is, you should take a job offer. Hamburg is a fantastic city, and Germany is a great place to live when you have a job. If you decide to go, you should start learning German asap, jobs are v. difficult to find without.

Usually I warn women to be careful of moving abroad where partners and children are concerned. That’s because I know people who have become very unhappily stuck when their DH ran off with OW but refused to let them take the DC back to UK.

However, I do think that you need to escape the carers life your parents are carving out for you.

No it isn't. IMHO, this is a sensible opportunity for the OP's young family to relocate and make a better future for themselves. Yes, she needs to learn a new language, and the first year or two will be highly demanding. I think they should go for it.

I think you should go for it. Yes it sounds like maybe you might be being a bit idealistic about Germany, but it really doesn't matter because it sounds like there's nothing for you in the UK so even just having the family support over there is a plus!
I would say though - and maybe you've mentioned this already and I missed it - get your partner's job set up before you move over. You don't need the stress of no guaranteed income when pregnant.

Not EADS but another large industry within the area which hires people from many different nationalities. Even if he can’t get in there straight away he has connections to help him get an initial job whilst he works towards getting back into his industry.

My qualifications are more academic (social sciences) and I’ve not been able to make a career on that in the UK so I highly doubt it’d be useful in the Germany. Ideally I want to be a SAHM whilst my baby is young and use that time to learn the language too. But if things were too tough financially I’d be happy to do a cleaning or warehouse job for a while (this is what DP’s sister and her partner did when they first moved and didn’t speak the language) to make ends meet so long as I could access appropriate and affordable childcare. My job in the UK is only doing phone customer service so it’s not as though I’m giving up a successful career.

I know it’d be tough at first but I really think we could make it work long-term.

There seem to be two main things driving your move. The caring responsibilities you fear (alternative approach: say no rather than run from it, though distance will help a bit). Also the idea of family support. Don't move for this if you only have one or two people there. They may move, they may not provide the support you envisage, you may not click as well as you think, cousins may move/not get on/etc. If those two factors were removed, would you still want to go?

It is valid to consider your future should your marriage not last. There is a child that will prevent you moving freely.

Don't count on age being protective of your child having ND. Plenty of teens give birth to ND kids. It's genetic, so your chances are not that low. As you have a ND brother, there's also a good chance you are undiagnosed yourself.

I'm in the same position that your child will be in. It's a pretty lonely life in some ways, but friends can fill the gap of family somewhat. My parents had a sibling for me so I wouldn't be alone with lack of family. We live on opposite sides of the globe. I still feel I have no family.

I was going to say this. There are a lot of really nice parts of the UK where you wouldn't feel like that when you open your back door.

How is your German currently? Are you confident you'll be able to pick it up well enough to work there?