To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Southport was awful but Germany has racism too. The AFD are surging in the polls.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.economist.com/briefing/2025/12/11/the-alternative-for-germany-is-the-leading-party-in-some-german-polls&ved=2ahUKEwjEztHfldeSAxXJSkEAHQVXLtMQFnoECGUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2Vb9KqcN-7zHaETxeRn3Bu

Go for it. I love Germany, we moved here 18 years ago (though we are in the South).

Cities are expensive though, you might find living on one wage a challenge. Public transport is good around Hamburg though and you could live a bit further out for less money. You really will need to learn German. It's not too hard to pick up the vocabulary as an English speaker, but the grammar is a toughie. It's a myth that everyone speaks English all the time.

You'll be within easy reach of the UK, don't be limited by your family and their decisions.

I never think emigrating because current existence is crap is going to make much difference. You’ll be in similar position but won’t know the language

Not selfish but you will feel worried about their reaction naturally, and you can't logic that away, you have to just ride the wave and with time it'll be easier. It may he lonely being a stay at home mum at first in a country you don't yet speak the language but if you can deal with that then you know, and it's not like it's australia, Germany isn't far to visit. I have family there and flights aren't that bad to be able to go several times a year

You sound unhappy in the UK. You owe it to yourself to give it a try. Even if Germany turns out to not be as great as you think, if you can you should at least try.

Neither you nor your partner has made any friends in 3 years in new area? Is there no one your age is in the vicinity?

You are not selfish for not wanting to do full time or too much time care for your parents and brother.

You are not selfish to put child and future husband first. In fact most people do this.

You are not unreasonable to dislike the UK which seems to be more broken by the day.

I think with your savings buffer, a fund for only you should your relationship implode and your can do attitude, you will be fine.

Like you said research well.

People forget that yes you can move and it may not be forever, you may come back at any time. Another country does not keep you imprisoned there.
You will still be British.

You have good reasons to go, yes you mum will be upset but I think eventually she will see it from your side. You are still going to see her and like you said advocate and help from a distance if needed for your parents and brother.

Your brother was never your burden/problem, we hope that we can always help our siblings but those without sen and disability in their family, simply do not realise just how much extra and extra and extra it takes in time, resources and mental load. Well above normal support for siblings.

I'll reiterate to research well, know your legal rights as a parent of a dual nationality child in German/Eu law, know what to expect as a brit living there and to go for it. Good luck.

Definitely a year or two. Baby will definitely be born here. Once we’ve made the decision to definitely go we’ll start learning the language straight away.

We’d find DP a job prospect before going. Even if he can’t necessarily get a job in his industry straight away, I’m confident he could get something as Germany is very popular with people from DP’s home country in Eastern Europe and his sister could connect him with people, her and her partner have done well and have friends/connections (not so much with Germans admittedly, but people from their own country).We’re prepared it could all take a while though.

there’s no point in me looking for jobs before going as we’d have to be there for me to get the permit. I’m happy either working or being a SAHM depending on how things go when we get there, and obviously depending on finances.

Overall it could take a couple of years which is fine. At the very maximum I want to go before our child starts school which would be at 4 in the UK, but I think we’ll be long gone by then.

She should make sure her parents are safe and comfortable but I think moving is justifiable.

If you aren't married don't move

Be wary of

Brexit rules

Moving to live somewhere which you have not visited

Moving somewhere that you do not speak or read the language (Google translate is not the answer to everything)

Unmarried

No guaranteed job in the new country

We’ve considered Brexit and there is a clear path for me to go alongside my partner being an EU citizen. I’d end up being able to indefinitely live and work in Germany and after a period would be able to access social support if need be.

We visit 3 weeks per year.

We’re getting married.

Your other points are fair.

My brother is raising 3 children in Germany, it's an amazing place to have a family. Go for it, you only live once!

Just make sure you make an effort to meet people, learn German and make friends or you'll and up in the same boat you are here and be a bit lonely.

Do it! I moved to Germany with my ex, we’ve since split and moved back to UK but I could have stayed there alone no problem.
it was tricky and lonely sometimes but the good times far outweighed the bad.
what a wonderful opportunity to raise a child that is tri-lingual ☺️
Of course your mum will be sad. But hopefully in time she will understand and feel proud of you ❤️
Flights are pretty cheap so I’m sure you’ll be able to sort out visits every 3 months or so. Perhaps you could put you mum in touch with the vulnerable adults team in social services to help you both feel a bit safer, but aside from that you are fully allowed to go and live your life and provide an enriching happy childhood for your baby

If you are leaving it a year or so before you go to Germany, you will have the time to learn the language.

What’s your partner’s current salary ?

Just to add- I only worked customer service etc in Germany. Duo lingo helped a lot but tbh there’s a big expat/military presence so no shortage of friends to make and jobs to find 🥰

I moved abroad 6 months ago and the guilt I felt leaving family was huge.
From my elderly parents (we lived across the street from them) my in-laws, my children’s cousins who they would see every day.
However the guilt was from ME and my parents were the ones saying DO IT.
It’s a good opportunity for our family and is potentially for 5 years so not long term.

You only live once and I’m very much looking at this as an adventure.

We are finally starting to see the financial benefits.. setting up in another country is NOT easy.
From starting off again with a house, to SO MUCH ADMIN… it can be tedious.
It can also be hard to make friends and there may be culture differences you didn’t expect.
You have to be prepared to put yourself out there and sometimes other adults aren't interested in new friends 😆

However, you won’t know how you’ll get on until you try it.
You also need to be on the same page with your partner in case one of you doesn’t like it and the other does. You need to have an agreement that if after X amount of time, if it isn’t working, you move home.

I would also recommend having your own savings. Yes your relationship maybe strong now but you never know what will happen down the line and just for your own security, have a nest egg for yourself.
Esp since you aren’t married and plan on being a SAHM. You are leaving yourself in a vulnerable position.

Good luck with the decision!!

Its sad to hear how much you hate where you live. Id encourage you to considered trying living in a totally different part of the UK before you feel you have to leave the country (I'm biased for Scotland, particularly Aberdeenshire!). You might find it's a very different experience to where you currently live and suits you more.

They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities

There is a massive difference between a small town and Hamburg. Hamburg is very expensive for one thing. I think you'd struggle to live off one wage there.

I can see why you want to go but you do sound quite naive and you do need to gather a lot more information, do a lot of calculations and also look at worst-case scenarios such as splitting up with your partner. You say that's not going to happen etc. but emigrating can put a lot of strain on a relationship as can you perhaps ending up stuck at home without any friends. I emigrated with a partner and I thought we were really solid but it went pear-shaped pretty quickly because he couldn't (wouldn't) learn the language and therefore couldn't make friends and ended up very lonely. He didn't want to work either (that's a whole other story) which obviously doesn't apply to your partner. I would advise you to do a "thought experiment" where you consider various scenarios, even though you think they won't happen.

The language is not that easy either so you should start now, as in, today or tomorrow! Then you'll have more of an idea of whether you can learn it or not. The sooner you start learning the sooner you will know whether it's realistic or not and the sooner you will reach a decent standard to help you when you get there. I live in a German-speaking country and there are so many expats here who just cannot manage to learn the language. The dialects don't help of course.

As for your mother, Hamburg is easy to get to. It's not far from the UK. You can facetime every day if you want to. I spoke to my parents every day after I emigrated (they have both died now sadly). It was like being in the same room as them.
I don't think you should stay in the UK because of your mother.

Have you decided whether your baby will be brought up bilingual? I think this would be a very good idea. Look into one parent one language so your child learns English and your partner's language from birth. I teach English here and without exception, the children who are brought up bilingually pick up English as a third language much easier than children who are learning it as a second language.

I would sign up to a German language course at your local college asap. Once baby comes you'll be busy. Once in Germany, I would do whatever needs doing to make sure that you attain the right to stay in Germany in your own right.

Go for it OP, this country is not in a great place right now and if DH and I were your age and starting a family we would likely do the same. Germany has lots to offer. I know a couple who moved there a few years ago for his work, she was pregnant, they then had more children in Germany. They were able to manage with a single income and had a lot of state support. When they split up (which can happen, of course) she was able to forge a career and they have all stayed in Germany. Their children are bilingual and even despite the relationship difficulties I think they both agree it was the best move for their family. But definitely throw yourself into learning German as fast as you can.

I just feel going elsewhere in the UK would be the same sort of issues I have where I live currently but without the new opportunities, more family-friendly culture and DP family
connections that Germany could offer. It’s a fair enough suggestion but not for me I don’t think. I also think Scottish weather would kill me off haha.

Maybe if I could afford a big house in Cornwall I’d consider it 😂

Have you ever been to Germany @tangotingo ?

We spend 3 weeks a year there