To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

He wasn't asked to come running because of the cat. He was asked to support his partner in a traumatic situation. From what we've told the mother could have got there under her own steam.

Really? You want your children to give up their own lives to dote on you and remain tied to your apron strings? Or you want them to have a full and happy life?

A man who can't even spend the night with his partner because he has to go home to his mum isn't worth having really.

Have you apologised for ending it and are you back together?

You just said that his dad has early onset dementia. So no they are not 'fit, mobile and capable of independent living'. Maybe he does need the support to get to appointments.

Sorry about your cat but you're expecting your partner to have a lot of empathy towards you when really you seem to lack empathy towards his situation. A parent having dementia and knowing that there's no coming back, just a decline to the end, that is truly awful and very difficult to deal with. That's probably why he highly values time with them.

Empathy is give and take, op.

No, his father although is getting confused more often, is still able to walk fine unaided, make his own food and drink, bathe and dress himself.
So not needing help with normal day to day tasks.
His dad's sisters are local and have offered help if needed. It was a routine dentist appointment, not an emergency one due to pain or an issue.

Couldn't agree more !

It is early dementia. Starting to get confused and forgetful. Still independent at home.

I have dealt with a family member having dementia and it is an awful disease. I absolutely have empathy for those watching their family member decline due to it.

But it isn't the reason why he couldn't support me, or spend time together, or sleep over.

@Pandolly I'm sorry about your cat.

Deleted the rest as I've just seen the update about dementia. That does change my view. Totally different to my health at a similar age

oh OP i’m so sorry to hear this, losing a pet is one of the hardest things x
i’m not sure why everyone thinks it’s unreasonable! i even saw a snide comment about taking time off work

for some people (myself included), i feel the same about animals as i do humans. i just spoke to my DP about it and he agreed he’d come straight home - appointments can be rearranged and you needed him. alternatively, he could’ve dropped them and arranged a cab for them to get home, and come straight to you.

i get very bad vibes from people who think animals aren’t as important and those who think it’s pathetic when people get really upset about them.

sending you lots of love and again, i am so sorry for your loss x x x x x

Did you read any of the thread before posting that sanctimonious post?

Sorry for the loss of your cat.

I think you are being unreasonable in expecting him to drop everything to take you to the pet crematorium. Cancelling the dentist at the last minute can lead to a charge and it’s not easy to get another appointment (same with hospital appointments). I don’t think you can expect him to put you before his parents, I am guessing they are getting old and maybe need his support to get around? The only people that come before my parents are my kids.

Of course it’s up to you if you end the relationship, you can end it for what ever reason you like, but I don’t think this alone warrants being dumped. Having to care for your parents/run around after them is pretty normal as they get older.

I think it depends on what the dentist appointment was... Was it a root canal on the NHS, his mum has been suffering for ages and can't drive. Or was it a routine check up at a private dentist that can easily be rearranged?

If the former, I think you are being extremely unreasonable. If the latter than you are not! Unless his parents are very rural, surely if it was routine they could have got a taxi?

Sorry, but you were very needy and frankly quite pathetic.

It would have been far more disruptive for him and his parents.

You were trying to pull rank to make a point. You could have easily taken the cat or rearranged the cremation. You’re not 12!

Just to add, I rang him at 9am, the dentist appointment was at 12.30. So it wasn't last minute as in half hour notice. The dentist is 5 mins away by car.
The parents often go for walks/walk to the shop so they're not unable to get around easily.

@Pandolly You said: But it isn't the reason why he couldn't support me, or spend time together, or sleep over.

So the first part - yes he should support you, but I understand why when he has made commitments to take his parents to two medical appointments that he wouldn't want to cancel that and cause them more difficulties in rebooking etc. It's very sad that your cat died, but it doesn't mean he's unsupportive not to drop everything. You've said a lot about his parents being about to get themselves to places (despite his dad not being able to drive) but also you could have taken yourself to the crematorium if absolutely necessary and it couldn't wait a day.

But in terms of spending time with you and sleeping over - yes of course he could do much better but you've not said anything about having taken him to task about either of these issues. Maybe the cat is the straw that broke the camels back? But I would walked WAY earlier if someone would only give me 6 hours a week and no overnights after 18 months. Do you think maybe you need to set better boundaries? I mean I know you are broken up now, but he seemed to treat you more like a hobby than a genuine relationship partner?

Plus what he said about his mother is just weird - I love mine to bits, but I have cut my apron ties, like most grown adults.

A man in his 30’s with a bedtime is a problem. He doesn’t want to cut the apron strings and commit to you. His parents will always come first.

It doesn't really matter if your feelings are reasonable or unreasonable. You don't have to stay with a man you don't feel supports you and loves you. If this has made you change your mind about him - that's enough.

It's not an accurate representation of the situation to repeatedly say his parents are fit and well if his father has dementia is it? Most people wouldn't expect him to abandon his dad who is having periods of confusion. So there's some misrepresentation here.
As for if he's a worthwhile boyfriend in other ways I've no idea and don't care to comment. The aita is about the appointment and the dementia drip feed is enough to decide op is unreasonable.

Sounds like a teen relationship.
You need to start going out with a bonafide adult.

You’re being ridiculous but do the guy a favour and end it as planned.

I’m with you, OP. Your partner lives at home and is taxi-ing around parents to appointments when they have the ability to be independent and make their own way to them or get a taxi for. That’s kind of him but given that you had a pet bereavement it wouldn’t have killed them to have been less selfish and got a taxi. Your partner’s mum sounds particularly clingy. And he doesn’t sound like he can be an adult and say no to his mummy.

Honestly from what you’ve said in your posts it doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship regardless of whether you breaking up over this specific incident is unreasonable or not.

I’m the same age range as you and it would drive me nuts having a partner who has to be home by 8.30 - I don’t even think I’d consider having that relationship to be honest.

Breaking up with him over this specific incident was unreasonable in itself. As others have said, dentist appointments are difficult and sometimes expensive to reschedule. Our dentist charges us if we cancel an appointment within 48 hours. So your reaction to this was unreasonable. That being said, I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have been pushed to a breaking point with the relationship based on the other existing issues.

it sounds like he has a lot on his plate regarding the dementia. So it’s understandable there will be times he needs to prioritise them and that’s not unreasonable. But it’s also not unreasonable for you not to want a relationship with someone who has a curfew of 8.30.

I am sorry for your loss as well. I lost my dog a few years ago and it was so painful.

But if he gets home any later she won't be up to make him a cup of cocoa and tuck him in.

THIS.

I am sorry about your cat OP but yes, you are being unreasonable.

I’m so sorry OP. Honestly I Would expect your partner to finish the hospital appointment. for the dentist appointment he should have explained the situation to his parents and ordered and paid for a taxi for them.

I also could not have dealt with your situation on my own and would have wanted my partner with me. It’s not even about the driving I would have wanted my partner with me for support.

its not about putting people above animals, they are perfectly capable of getting into a taxi and you needed support.