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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/02/2026 20:30

Bonkers1966 · 13/02/2026 16:16

Horrible situation for you but you over reacted. I can't be honest here because MN will ban me. Maybe sit down and have an adult conversation with him.

I can’t be honest here because MN will ban me is bang on for me a lot of the time

sorry for your loss op, still reading the thread

i read your responses op, it seems you know you’re being unreasonable x

your relationship sounds complex, but it sounds like you’re both complex people so it’s a case of what works for you

maybe you have some resentment though at how unavailable he is due to his parents 🥺 x

XjustagirlX · 13/02/2026 20:31

Having read more of your updates, I can’t see this relationship working long term. They are either selfish wanting him to live with them or he has no backbone. He will end up their carers and then alone without having a chance at his own life.

MarioLink · 13/02/2026 20:31

I'm sorry about your cat. I lost mine last month, expected at his advanced age but it hit me hard. I do think he couldn't back out of a dentist appointment like that though. They would have to still pay and it could be weeks to get a new one. Also it isn't urgent to get to the crematorium same day; especially as it's not hot weather. It seems to me he has caring responsibilities and you also need him to do things for you and I feel he's pulled in multiple directions. If you feel he does too much for his parents to the detriment of your relationship then keep addressing it but today shouldn't be the thing that ends things. You are very upset about your cat today and will be grieving; don't make any big decisions about anything else this week, just park things till you feel a bit better.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 20:32

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 19:22

They are early 60s, mobile without money issues. I'm 66 and my husband is 71. We don't even accompany each other to hospital or dental appointments, far less expect our son to take us.

Tbf OP said that the father has dementia

Cherrysoup · 13/02/2026 20:34

pocketpairs · 13/02/2026 19:17

Clearly an alien concept to you, but (some) children do this for elderly parents..

Ha, funny! I gave up a job to come home to look after my dad when he snapped his Achilles tendon. The OP says they’re in their 60s and healthy.

Lilactimes · 13/02/2026 20:34

Hi @Pandolly

im going against the other replies here but I think you're absolutely right to be upset with him.
It was a local dentist appointment and they absolutely could have got a taxi and he could absolutely have come and comforted you.

You are always going to be second place to his mother. You haven't really had a proper relationship either - just snatches of one as he can't spend proper time with you either.
If not spending proper time with him works for you - as you're a busy single mum - then great, but if it makes you feel sad then I'd slowly back out- as it doesn't sound like he will put you first. Or understand your love of animals - I'm sorry you went through that x

gardenflowergirl · 13/02/2026 20:37

You're viewing this guy as your partner, but from what you've said about him I don't think he is really, sounds like he doesn't view you as his partner and as his friend you're being too emotional and needy as his priorities are elsewhere. If a guy wants to stay over he will, irrespective of what his mum thinks. It seems to me that he may be using his parents to not get too close to you. So your expectations of him being there for you is not going to happen. However, I do think human medical needs trump animal medical needs.

Teenagehorrorbag · 13/02/2026 20:40

I love my cats and always have. Told DH when we met 30 years ago that i came with baggage 😃! But, kindly - in your position I would totally have expected him to take his parents to their appointments.

Those appointments can't be changed. But could you not have put your beautiful cat into a shoebox and maybe add some flowers or toys, and taken him to the crem the next day? I know you were devastated but the timeline doesn't seem completely critical? Unless I'm missing something?

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 20:42

There's a lot to unpack in all your responses OP.

On one hand, I think you are even more unreasonable getting in a huff because he didn't cancel his plans to take his parent to an appointment given you chose a specific appointment time that suited you. You went at that time because you had things to do that you wouldn't or couldn't rearrange. It can't be one rule for you (the owner of the cat) and a different for him (nothing to fo with the cat).

On the other hand, it sounds like you both just have a companionship. You see him a few hours a week with your kids. He's essentially your friend. And that's fine if it works but I get the feeling it works for him and not you. If you want more out of a relationship then don't settle for this.

BernardButlersBra · 13/02/2026 20:46

YANBU he’s a mummy’s boy and you have done well to last this far. I don’t date men of that age who live at home. You will always be far down the pecking order and you can do better. When l am their age then l will probably still be working full time and not being mollycoddled. Is it an actual diagnosis or is it more manipulation?

Sorry to hear about your cat

Pinnacles · 13/02/2026 20:47

I'm going to go slightly against the flow here and say that in this instance he should have re-prioritised and supported you. He didn't recognise that this was something deeply important to you. Yes, it would have caused all the family some inconvenience to make other travel arrangements for their appointment, but he choose an easier life (no confrontation with parents, no inconvenience for anyone). If he had appreciated your emotional turmoil and prioritised you accordingly, he would have been there regardless. My DH left an important work meeting to support me in a difficult moment, one of the hardest of my life, that the outside world wouldn't necessarily have recognised as so dreadful.

I think that personally the message he sent was: your grief is not more important than my parent's dental appointment. You face a lifetime of being second or third in his list of priorities - it's up to you if you're happy with that.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/02/2026 20:49

2 hours an evening, three times a week - barely a relationship and def not a partner.

You don't even have time to go to the cinema / theatre

why did you bother ? you are not both 14

AlleycatMarie · 13/02/2026 20:49

Hi @Pandolly
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. My cats are everything and so I really get it. I think it’s a difficult one. Yes, I would have expected my partner to drop everything and rush to me (and he would). But, how did he react after the appointments were done? Is he there for you emotionally the rest of the time? Take some time and make a decision not just based on this event.

Getthetea · 13/02/2026 20:50

You lose all your money if you cancel dental appointments. Some of mine have been thousands if it is say a root canal. A cat can be taken by taxi or wait.

HelplessSoul · 13/02/2026 20:51

This reply has been deleted

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Pandolly · 13/02/2026 20:53

Some people are just so unnecessarily rude and unkind. I always wonder if you get a wave of pride when you speak to people in such a way?
Reminds me of the sort of person I'm glad I'm not.

OP posts:
Mymanyellow · 13/02/2026 20:55

Sounds like the final straw for you. Never staying over, has to be in by 8.30 is ridiculous. Probably won’t get better either.
Although a bit hasty in this instance I can see why you did it.

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2026 21:00

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Are you for real? That's one of the nastiest posts I've ever read on here. It's actually psychotic.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:01

This reply has been deleted

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Are you the boyfriend 😂

Pumpkinmagic · 13/02/2026 21:03

Sorry about you cat, I know how devastating it is. In the kindest way I think this is a complete over reaction. Maybe if you do sort it out, try and change your mindset, how lovely that you have such a kind and caring partner who looks after his family.

FairKoala · 13/02/2026 21:04

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:21

Parents are early 60s and mobile, healthy enough to travel and do things unaided.

My thought are why don’t they do things for themselves?

I do think it was unreasonable for his parents to cancel the appointments
But I do think it is reasonable that you broke up with him.

If he is like this now and they are mobile.

It is only going to get worse

I am probably older than his parents and the idea that I would get my children to run around after me is a completely alien concept when I can do all these things for myself

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:04

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 20:32

Tbf OP said that the father has dementia

No, that isn't what she said.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:05

FairKoala · 13/02/2026 21:04

My thought are why don’t they do things for themselves?

I do think it was unreasonable for his parents to cancel the appointments
But I do think it is reasonable that you broke up with him.

If he is like this now and they are mobile.

It is only going to get worse

I am probably older than his parents and the idea that I would get my children to run around after me is a completely alien concept when I can do all these things for myself

OP mentioned the father has dementia

HelplessSoul · 13/02/2026 21:06

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2026 21:00

Are you for real? That's one of the nastiest posts I've ever read on here. It's actually psychotic.

Sue me for valuing a human life over an animal.

I said nothing nasty at all other than my viewpoint. Shame you cannot see that.

BudgetBuster · 13/02/2026 21:08

PhaedraWas · 13/02/2026 21:04

No, that isn't what she said.

She literally said he has onset dementia.

I didn't make it up.