To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

This is nuts. Ignoring the cat issue, he has a curfew and spends weekends with his mum instead of you? And he can’t stay at yours because she’ll get upset? He’s done well to get a girlfriend at all! Run far away - you’ll always be second place. Find a proper grown up to date!

I think in the case of the dentist appointment you were being unfair. They could have called an Uber, but so could you.....

HOWEVER, to me the much more glaring thing is the fact that we have an adult male here who cannot spend the night with his long term girlfriend because his mum would be upset???? I would find this MASSIVELY off putting myself.

Does she have religious views? Or some other form of opposition to sex before marriage? Either way, he is entitled to make his own choices and I could not remain attracted to an adult who was so in thrall to his parents views ....

So I think you made a good call, dumping him, and that he should remain dumped!

And I am so sorry for the loss of your pet. Cats are great - when I lost my really special cat suddenly when I was in my 20s, I felt like I had blood poisoning!

Sorry about your cat. This man isn’t for you, his mum will always be his priority and it sounds like she will not let him go. Find someone you can have a healthy, adult relationship with. I’ve been with my husband for 19 years and his mum has never accepted me, it is no way to live.

He says he wants it to change and he has made some steps towards it but his mom is good at turning on the tears and he says she's upset and he needs to spend the time with her.

There is no religious views regarding the staying over. I just don't think she wants to share her son.
He's one of 3 but the only son.
He says his mom is his life ect and that's lovely and I hope my children love me as much when they are adults but one day his mom won't be around anymore and he'll have wasted his whole adult life not forming his own family.

I Think maybe you picked a bad example, because no, his parents could not "just" change their appointments
However, he does seem too enmeshed with his family. Still lives with them and has to be home by 8.30 and you only ever allowed to see him for 2 hours?? It also sounds like that wont change, so if you need/want more, then I would likely end it.
Sorry about your cat x

To flip it, you could see it as admirable that he honours his commitment to his (elderly i'd assume) parents? If this is just one in a series of not feeling prioritised then maybe yes this is the end. Otherwise you could give him some grace on this one IMO.

His parents aren't elderly.
They're 60's but fit, mobile and capable of independent living.

Id be upset about the cat too, so sorry.
Id leave him to it.

Dentist is important.

He can’t heal your pain :( no matter what.

But I understand how you must feel in the relationship. Weigh it up after dealing with the loss.

Sorry for you OP

Agree. Immediately before a dental appt when you have said his dad cannot drive, then no, I wouldn't expect him to rearrange that for something where you could physically drive yourself. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone this enmeshed.

So sorry about your cat. I think I'd be more concerned that a man of his age is not allowed to stay with you overnight. His mother is highly unlikely to change and I would finish it for that reason alone

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat, and I don't think you're overreacting. I think this is a moment of clarity when you decide that you want a partner who will be there for you in moments of crisis, and that you will not get that from this man, perhaps for more than one reason.

Sorry for your loss OP. Its traumatising losing a pet especially young and so suddenly. Gently I don't think this is a good relationship for you. He's a mamas boy...home by 8.30pm?? Christ he's an adult!

I don't understand why you are asking if you are BU to end the relationship because your partner prioritises his parents over your dead cat when the far more worrying thing is that his parents won't let him stay at yours overnight and he has to be home at 8:30pm.

You need to get a sense of what is really importnat and what isn't.

Ok so I think expecting him to drop everything on this occasion was unreasonable... but he's not a catch is he. Leave anyway.

I think yabu about needing him to come running because of the cat. I have cats myself, so I'm not being heartless, just think it was unfair to expect him to cancel arrangements.

I think yanbu to want a better relationship with someone who will generally prioritise you, though.

I don't think he's the one for you, op.

I'm sorry about your cat. You can end things for whatever reason you want. Personally I would not end it over a preexisting dentist appt. They not only cost money to miss but his parent could be in pain. I appreciate you were upset but you did not have a time frame of that exact moment you needed to do this journey.
But it does sound like you need someone more suited to your needs.

I'm really surprised at the amount of people saying YABU.
One minute people are saying women need to raise the bar when it comes to expectations of their partner and the next they're saying you shouldn't expect any emotional or practical support if the partner is already booked to provide a free taxi service!

Expecting them to rearrange the dentist appointment was probably not the right call but you were very distressed so that's understandable, your partner could've said he'd book them a taxi.

I think you've absolutely done the right thing in ending the relationship. They should very enmeshed and it seems unlikely he'll ever put boundaries in place with his parents and prioritise you.

You are definitely not overreacting. There are plenty of other ways they could have got to their appointments. You needed emotional support and he thought being a taxi service to his darling mother was more important.

The worst kind of partner is a mummy's boy. Stick with your word and don't go back to him because you will never be more important than her.

You need to walk away, this will not change and actually get worse as your relationship grows to the point you want to live together.

I'm so sorry about your cat.

I voted YABU but having read your updates, I actually think it sounds like you are constantly being made to feel second best to his parents. It's not much a relationship when you only see each other for a couple of hours a week and he can't see you at weekends because his mum doesn't like it.

You want a partner you can rely on to be there for you in times of need, and he isn't it. Maybe you were emotional and overreacted in the moment, but actually it sounds like ending the relationship is the right decision. There's nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn't really care.

Well it's all part of it isn't it? It actually isn't about a cat. It's prioritising what may well have been very routine appointments for parents who are perfectly capable of getting to them under their own steam over something traumatic for the OP.

I think it depends. If his parents are in good enough help and able enough to get a taxi, and ita a private dentist that won't strike you off, and it was a routine appointment, then yanbu. If they've got a raging abscess and are too frail to be on their own and it's nhs appointment then yabu

I am sorry for the loss of your pet OP. I DONT think you are being unreasonable this man boy is tied to his parents apron strings has to be home at 8.30. He has never put you first, this is the final straw get rid of him and start a new life, YOU deserve better. Big hugs and an arm round your shoulder life will get better.

Oh god this is the stuff of nightmares. Imagine living with him and being expected to fulfill the role of his mother. She probably lays his underpants out for him and puts the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

You are v v unreasonable about him dropping a prior commitment because of a dead cat, but given the back story you are definitely NOT unreasonable to dump him.
Does his father need a lot more care than you've told us? If so he needs to support them to sort out some outside help. If not, the having to be home by 8:30 every night to be with his mother should be giving you permanent Ick.