To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

having seen your updates, this really is not the relationship for either of you.

I don’t think you are over reacting. Not that long after I met my dh I was told by my mum that our do was dying. He travelled 2 hours by train to come and be with me as my dog died. He knows what matters to me

You have only been together 18 months. He has made his life of providing for his parents his choice. It sounds like the cat situation was your final straw. I wouldn’t have expected them to rearrange their appointments. But how is life going to be together if you are constantly frustrated by his need to help his parents. It’s not working op. He needs a home of his own and to sometimes put you first but it doesn’t sound like that is possible,

I would also break up. A death is much more important than a dental appointment unless it’s an emergency screaming in pain situation.

I voted YANBU and was amazed to see the overwhelming majority voting the other way.
This is madness.
Since when is the emotional trauma of a death for your partner more important than ferrying someone to a run of the mill appointment?

If he thinks it’s just a cat, then that shows even more that he is very very lacking in empathy and will never have the right priorities for you.

I would immediately drop something as trivial as a dentist appointment (or ferrying someone else to one) to go to comfort my partner if their pet died.

With all the extra information you've given, I think you were right to end the relationship and the loss of your cat was the final straw for you.

I'm no saintly being, but I'd order a cab or rebook an appointment (and take the hit on the deposit, we're hardly talking thousands of pounds or imminent death without a scale and polish here) in those circumstances.

It's hard finding out that when it comes down to it, you can't rely upon somebody else because what matters to you isn't as important to them/caring enough to prioritise what matters to you because it's you.

So you weren't unreasonable - and as is normally said on here (when there's no opportunity to dismiss it as relating to an animal, or to say 'are you five? Do you really need another person with you at the dentist of all places?' if the reverse was happening and he'd refused to take you to the dentist because his Mum's cat had died), you can end a relationship for any reason at all.

So sorry for the loss of your cat, OP. Personally if DH did this it would get me reconsidering our marriage, though he wouldn't as he loves our cats as much as me. Not RTFT but I'm assuming at least some of those who are accusing you of overreacting have never owned pets.

The reality is that if your needs were being met in general, you would not be so devastated that he couldn’t be there for you at this particular moment.

It’s sadly not realistic to expect that someone who loves you can automatically drop everything at a specific moment to be there for you, even if it’s a really tough moment for you. And if they can’t, but they love you well the rest of the time, that’s okay.

The problem isn’t that your partner couldn’t be there at the “one time” you really wanted him to be. It’s that he’s never really there for you at all.

She wasn't asking him to prioritise the pet. She was asking him to prioritise her.

The parent didn't need support. They needed transport which could have been achieved by them calling themselves a taxi to the dentist appointment.

The OP was the one who needed emotional support while she had her much loved pet cremated.

OP, never bother with grown men who live with their parents. Go for people who have their life together, like you do, people who are your equal.

These mummy's boys living with parents are all codependent weirdos who aren't ready to date. If they weren't and they were there temporarily because life had gone a bit wrong, they'd prioritise getting their own place before dating.

Even living in a HMO or sharing with friends shows some level of maturity and independence. Living in the family home still, in your 30s, is someone who's failed at life quite honestly.

It may be the best relationship you've had but I'm going to suggest that's because you're setting your bar too low and catching all the dross as a result.

Expect more. Leave them sooner when they show signs of not being a proper grown up, or being abusive, or whatever makes them unsuitable. At least then you won't waste 18 months getting attached to someone, then finding out when the chips are down that they're totally shit.

I've dropped a friend, never mind a partner, when she kept rearranging our nights out and the last time she cancelled on me half hour before we were due to meet. All because her mum's car had broken down in the driveway at her mum's home, which apparently meant that my ex-friend had to go give her mum a lift to her own (the mum's) night out! She should have valued my time and my friendship, told her mum she already had plans and wasn't available to help this time and to call herself a taxi. But she was scared of her mum's moods so she didn't. I just never contacted her again.

You're not unreasonable for getting attached to your pets, lots of people do. This isn't all pet owners. Some just think pets are a nice to have addition to their lives, which isn't to say they don't love them at all, but they often aren't overly emotional or for very long when their pets lives end or if they need to sell/re-home them (something they also tend not to view as the end of the world. Whereas to people who view their pets as part of their family, it is).

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset at the lack of support from your partner. I also don't necessarily think your partner was unreasonable to honour his commitment. However, his putting his parents needs before yours does appear to be a strong pattern which is unlikely to improve much.
It doesn't sound like you are really compatible with each other.

This

He prioritised people. You prioritise animals. So it'll never work.

I agree with you @Pandolly. Hospital appointment, fair enough. Dentist? Why didn't he just pay for them to get a taxi? How bad has it got to be before he can put you first?

Sorry for your loss OP.

Maybe this isnt really about the dentist appointment and the death of your cat, but a deep routed fear that he's always going to prioritise his parents, or that he doesn't have strong enough feelings for you?

For what its worth I think you're grieving and being ever so slightly unreasonable in this situation, but I get it and it's easy to blow things up when youre sad/down.

Wishing you all the best x

I'm sorry but he's a grown man and he has to be home by 8.30?
His mum says she wants him around on Saturdays and he complies?
This alone would make me run away. I used to be with someone like this, he lived at home and he had to take his mum out for the day every Sunday and bank holidays which meant I was often alone.
He may be lovely but if you're even considering a future with him it won't happen.

No he prioritised his mother over the OP.

You're not. You're being a normal adult who wants a committed long term relationship. There's nothing wrong with you or the way you feel.

He's not a good person because he's emotionally neglectful towards you, anyone other than a not-at-all-bothered-about-him casual girlfriend would be upset by his behaviour. Calling you selfish for wanting a normal supportive response from your boyfriend of 18 months is verbal abuse and that only ever tends to get worse over time. You're not selfish at all. Calling you selfish is his way of saying he doesn't care about you.

He has chosen to be "the knight in shining armour" to his parents OP - meaning he isn't free to have a normal, adult, committed relationship. He's just using you for company when it suits him.

He has picked his role in life and for him to choose this he must be getting something out of it, some emotional or practical need of his is being met. Or else he's used to being taken advantage of, by them, all his life - meaning he needs a fuckton of therapy to change that and move on, something he isn't doing and has shown no signs of wanting to do.

Can you not see this is the same for him? He says you're being selfish because you're expecting to come first. Medical appointments are important

You’re not compatible, OP. I think that if the death of your cat (sorry about that) is the benchmark for you partner to have to abandon his prior engagements, and if you can’t understand why he can’t, then your life is going to be a constant struggle to feel validated and defined. I don’t know any men who would have dropped their parent’s appointment to drive a partner in that circumstance, and I feel really sorry for him. It’s dreadful losing a pet - but I don’t think him not driving you is a measure of him not caring. I think he was being reasonable.

Clearly an alien concept to you, but (some) children do this for elderly parents..

personally I feel that you feeling extremely let down and hurt by your partner not prioritising something that he should know would be utterly devastating for you, is completely valid. There is no comparison between having to rearrange a dental appointment and having no support while taking an animal you love to be cremated, I am shocked that so many people think otherwise if I’m honest!
I hope you manage to communicate well with your partner about how this made you feel and that if the relationship continues he shows you more love & respect moving forward 💐

I don’t think you are being ridiculous, but I do not think it is about the sad death of your beloved cat. This is just one more thing in a very long list of things that are making you realise he may not be the one… take this time to reflect… if it is meant to be, it will be x

They are early 60s, mobile without money issues. I'm 66 and my husband is 71. We don't even accompany each other to hospital or dental appointments, far less expect our son to take us.

I've read all the updates and I think he's under the thumb of his parents, not just because of this appointment but he has to be back home by certain times, he can't sleepover and so on. He's in his 30s! He sounds weak and can't say no to his mum for you and that speaks volumes. I'd have a chat with him, see if he is willing to put his foot down with his mum more and be there for you and out your relationship first. If he's not or doesn't show up in future then I'd leave and find someone who will treat you like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them.

They. Could. Have. Gone. By. Taxi.

Supporting your bereaved partner is important. Way more important than saving someone having to pay for a taxi by driving them yourself. The parents had plenty of notice to arrange a taxi for the dentist appointment.

I agree with all the posters saying that this is the reason that you should end (and should have already ended) the relationship.

I’m also very sorry about your cat. I appreciate that it was your much loved pet and companion.