To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

im all for th lifts an help but hes not allwed to stay over-how old is this man

you know theres no future dont you

I'm so sorry you had to go alone. It must've been really tough. I hope you and he can get together soon and he can comfort you. Doubtless he felt torn and would've been with you if he'd felt he possibly could. Try not to punish him, or yourself by ditching him.

Really sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is devastating and people underestimate the pain. Dentist appointments are difficult to rearrange, but I would have got parents an uber. A friend is a friend, whether they have two feet or four.
Sounds like a good idea to chuck this one back.

You can not cancel an appointment at such short notice!
They would have still had to pay for the appointment.
You sound very needy, expecting his parents to either walk or get a taxi to get to the dentist, what’s wrong with you getting a taxi or walking or even taking the cat to the vet and letting them sort out the cremation?
As for going to the chapel of rest, is it such a thing for an animal?
Are you religious?

I voted YABU about the issue that tipped you over BUT this is clearly part of a huge massive picture of you constantly feeling second best and it's perfectly reasonable for you to be devastated twice over. Firstly by losing your pet unexpectedly and secondly when you realise that even in a time of emotional distress he still won't put you first for the afternoon.

If this relationship isn't working for you that's not unreasonable. From what you have described it wouldn't work for most independent grown adults. His relationship with his parents isn't healthy and because of that his romantic relationship isn't healthy either.

So sorry for your loss, how awful that you had to deal with this alone. I can imagine that it felt like the icing on the cake of your partner is constantly putting you below his parents in his priorities.

Kind parents would have taken a bus or taxi to their appointments and let their son take care of you in this unexpected distressing situation.

He is far too enmeshed with his needy, demanding parents. Shame, because he sounds a good guy in other ways. But it looks as if the parents will never let him prioritise his relationship with you, let alone marry you.

A pet dying is so much more of a big deal than a routine appointment. And if the OP is needy and demanding, then what does that make the parents?! I've seen posters absolutely slated on here for saying that people considerably older than them are elderly, but somehow in this situation it's fine for them to expect their son to be at their beck and call? 60s is working age. I don't think this was an overreaction at all.

I wouldnt suggest you finish with him but I do think you need to have a discussion with him. He has conflicts of interest. This does not seem to be the first time he has chosen to support his parents rather than you. He sounds very strong on duty. You must tell him how sad you are about the sudden death of your cat. We have cats. One was run over -took us both months to get over it. So sad for your loss.

so sorry for the loss of your cat.

Just wanted to say that our dentist gives us a strike if we miss an appointment or don’t rearrange it in good time. Two strikes and they will take us off their register.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It doesn't bode well for the future as his parents are only going to need more rather than less assistance as time goes on and it sounds like he is always going to feel under pressure to be 'on call' for them. I'm sorry about your lovely cat.

Also, poor dental health has a known strong correlation with cognitive decline, so if the father has already been identified as having early stage dementia, his doctor has probably stressed the importance of having a good dental care regimen.

Would you tell your father with onset dementia take a bus last minute to an appointment because your girlfriend scheduled her appointment for that time.... instead of the girlfriend scheduling her appointment with the crematorium for a little bit before or after?

Both appointments should have been doable.

You did the right thing, you'll never be a priority for this man and he will continually let you down.

You deserve better!

5 minutes in a taxi. No buses needed.

Fair enough... I was responding to a post that referred to a bus.

But either way... point is still the same. People with onset dementia or advanced dementia often cannot deal with changes like this. They sound simple, but could cause weeks of havoc to their lives.

Taxi is also an option for the OP (who by the sounds of it was fine to go about the rest of her day)

So sorry about your cat OP.

There is so much going on here.

Most people can’t drop work to attend to a commitment such as a partner’s cat’s cremation, so compared to the world at large, it’s quite a big ask.

But he clearly can take on family commitments during the day.

But his overall relationship with his parents is disastrous for you. You were extremely upset. It is bizarre that parents in their early 60s need him to take them to the dentist. Bus, uber, taxi, …. It is bizarre and really not normal that he has to be home at 8.30. And has never stayed over with you. Won’t do days out… it’s almost as if if he were married…

Have you met his parents? Been to his house?

You may have been reacting out of emotion today but you are right, he doesn’t prioritise you , and he never will while his parents are alive. Could be 30 years of this.

So, you might have done yourself a favour.

Find someone who can be present and committed.

I’m so sorry about your cat, what an awful shock.

I think, on the surface, it might seem like an emotional overreaction but really, it’s just the final straw. You’ve been feeling like you’re not a priority for a long time so while dentist and hospital appointments are tricky and difficult to rearrange, it just solidified what you’ve long suspected: his parents come in first and second place, and you come in third.

I expect being in third place in a relationship would get old VERY fast so I don’t blame you for being at the end of your tether. Sometimes, grief puts things in perspective for us and while we are emotional creatures when dealing with loss, sometimes we see more clearly what we’re willing to accept and what we’re not. My DP is very close and respectful of his parents but I know I come first and that’s important.

I hope you’re doing as okay as possible. Sending lots of love.

Im so sorry about your cat 💕

This really is just the final straw and you were not wrong to break up. I understand why he didn’t rush to you with his other commitments and if this was a once off I’d say you were overreacting but given this sort of things happens all the time and he clearly is unable to set boundaries with his parents this relationship was doomed.

I think you did the right thing. He’s too enmeshed with his parents and not ready to be a true partner. I’d move on

YABU.

I'm sorry your cat has died, but people before pets. Even before knowing the details of his relationship with his parents, I would have said this.

However, the pre-existing situation is what matters here. He still lives with his parents, so will never be your partner as there is no interconnection your living situation and finances. And no, it's not mere semantics, it's a way of re-evaluating what this relationship really is. You have said yourself that you have not yet spent a night together.
He will always put his parents first if his previous form speaks true, they seem to be very much enmeshed.

BTW, his father is not fit if he has dementia.

I hope you find someone who can be properly with you.

I smell a rat here OP. It seems like a contrived excuse from him, 2 appointments in one day that absolutely can't be changed. Also, the parents don't approve and he can't stay w/e's with you. I wouldn't care how great he was otherwise. You are never going to feel like a priority with this man, ever.
Yes, you over reacted in this instance but with the full picture, I can see why you did so.
I would stick to your guns and not go back to him. Stuff like this will likely happen time and time again. Beware the sunken cost fallacy. .

Other people needed him. Very, very important people. Not any old people, but his parents. But I agree they aren't suited. Anyone who expects me to priotize a cat over parents is someone to give a wide berth to.

What planet are you on? Looks after his parents...who don't currently need looking after....while totally neglecting the woman he's supposed to love. There's nothing to like about that! The relationship has only lasted this long because OP has been a doormat and put up with all of his nonsense.