To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

I'm definitely a cat person and would be devastated also. I am very sorry and understand your pain.

However yabu. His parents are alive, they are people and they are relying on him today. He couldn't let them down. Going to the crematorium isn't an emergency even if it's very emotional.

Yabu.

Very strange "bond" with mum. How old is he?? I wouldn't be very vary of him. My friend had a boyfriend, and later fiancé that was major mummy's boy. Did not end well, mummy won

So sorry about your loss of your beloved cat.🌈🐾

I don't think you acted illogically at all. In that moment it was clear to you that he will never prioritise you over his parents. What you had on your hands was a failure to launch, grown ass man still living with mummy who couldn't even spend the night with you and you got rid of him. Well done.

It's very clear you don't expect to be prioritised all the time and have been very patient. You do deserve to come first sometimes and he couldn't even call a taxi to take his fit, healthy and not elderly parent to the dentist and spare you an hour of his time compassionately.

OP you were not unreasonable. Even without the full story you were not unreasonable.

It had nothing to do with prioritising your cat over his parents. He prioritised his parents over your grief.

There are some ludicrous posts on here. The idea that parents need molly coddling in this way is bizarre.

This isn’t really about the cat, it’s about trying to have a relationship with someone who cannot separate himself from his mother - it’s not going to work in the long run

Nothing to break up about imo but I doubt this is the real reason.

She explained that it was very minor and father is perfectly capable of getting on with his life.

This, especially when it’s “you need to cancel your plans or I’ll dump you, I’m not cancelling what I’ve got on, but you need to”!

I'm unsure how she knows that when she hardly even sees her 'boyfriend' nevermind his parents.

He no longer drives, was an alcoholic and has onset dementia, had a fall last year leaving him shook. Yes, of course there's probably lots he can still do... but she still clearly said he has it. If the man wants to prioritise his parents, that's completely fine. It just probably isn't the relationship the OP wants. Nothing wrong with either, they just aren't compatible.

Gosh OP you hit the nuclear button reactively and super quick!

More an emotional than rational reaction but kindly, can understand where you are coming from even if don’t agree.

Hoping all is not lost. Seems a lot of good in there too. Not all is black/white. From his side the rearrangement maybe not so simple.

Sorry too about your wee puss.

The OP also said the dentist is 5 minutes by car, the parents, are fit and healthy, get out and about and it is mild onset.

Since when was a bloody checkup a life or death situation? Your comment was worse than nasty. It isn't me who should be ashamed.

You are not a priority over his parents.
and you shouldn’t be either.

I agree with everyone else. You're unreasonable.
It not easy to change a dentists appointment. ..and probably far easier to change a crem appointment for your poor cat.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.
The problem here is not his behaviour today. The problem is that as a 30 year old man he is letting his mummy set him a curfew of 8.30pm. How on earth are you attracted to such a baby?

To be honest you aren’t priority. not today not any day.

I would have ended it with someone after about 3 months if they refused to stay the night. And someone whose mum dictates when they come home as an adult. Never ever date a mummy’s boy. It doesn’t end well.

While I do think you were unreasonable today - it’s based off you never being his priority and that shines through.

Honestly I would tell him it’s not really about today but today was the straw that broke the camels back. You aren’t his priority and he needs to either do something about it or accept it’s over.

Given his dads condition he may well want to be a carer to him so it’s probably the end of the relationship and I would prepare for that being the outcome.

How have you put up with him for so long ? Do you have low self esteem ?

Its etc (etcetera) not ect. (Ectcetera)

This 100% has been my experience of my last partner. He would absolutely point blank refuse to put my needs above his mother's or ex wife's, or even his ex in laws', even when there was a clear and important reason that any sane person would agree to. I would be wary of it being a symptom of enmeshment given OP seems to feel unprioritised generally, and if it goes the way mine did, it won't improve.
PS. I am so sorry about your beloved cat, OP.

…this was something so big to me.

To you, yes. Making sure his parents got to their (difficult to arrange) appointments was important to him. I’m sorry for your loss OP and completely understand how devastating it is when a pet dies, especially in such a sudden way, but your DP was just concentrating on his commitments, which is something to be admired in a world where so many people don’t seem to give a shit. If he’s not a ‘pet person’ he very reasonably would have expected you to handle the situation yourself. Many of us do!

I‘m so sorry to hear about your cat and as a cat lover I completely understand you‘re upset but your being massively unreasonable. How old are you? I feel you should be able to cope with your cat‘s passing on your own - sorry if that makes me sound harsh. You certainly don’t get to dictate your partner’s behaviour. Do him a favour and leave him be - you sound overly dramatic and attention seeking - and I mean that kindly. It’s like you’re competing with his commitments to his parents who are elderly. You’re in the wrong and I know you’re having a terrible time but you shouldn’t try and force a partner‘s hand like that.

A checkup, especially for someone with dementia, can be the difference between life and death for some people.

If my comment about valuing a human life over a cat is nasty, then thats a "you" problem.

The op is also fit and healthy, able to get out and about… would he still be in the wrong if he offered to accompany her at the other times in the day op has said shes got other things on? Why does it have to be the exact time of his parents appointment?..

Even with early stages of dementia, a change in a planned routine can really unsettle the person and cause a lot of confusion (speaking as someone that has witnessed a family member with dementia from early stages). It’s a horrible disease, and your partner did right to keep his father’s appointment and avoid that distress for him. As you say, parents won’t be here forever and his father is suffering a degenerative brain disease so it’s understandable your partner wanted to stick to his commitment to him and not have regrets about letting he father down.

Going to assume you've got limited experience with dementia tbh. Even in early stages it's not easy and cancelling pre arranged plans can exacerbate confusion and cause distress. Also op has repeatedly minimised it by referring to them as 'fit' 'healthy' or whatever else so who even knows how mild it is.

Getting back to the actual point though, why should he prioritise taking the poor cat to the crematorium and leaving his parents in the lurch (incl dad with dementia)? I understand op was upset but honestly this is not time sensitive and a reasonable person would not expect this.