Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

Nah not really.

never realised it was a fight

poised excitedly?? Again nah….

loving the use of exclamation marks, well done.

im gutted people have sided with man? Eh?

She is happy with the maintenance and the element of control, and if he was any sort of Dad he’d have gone to court years ago for increased contact, not wait until the kids are basically too old. No one comes off well here IMO.

But if you haven't told them that their dad would like to have them, how can you be so certain that they wouldn't be even happier with him?

Why are you scared to just ask them?

What if he tells them you are preventing them seeing him on these nights?

I think it's fair enough of him to ask and good he wants to spend extra time with him children. I think your reaction is unwarranted. However, you don't seem very interested in other people's views and seem to have made your mind up so not sure of the point of your post.

Of course the children are content with the one mandation you have given, as you said, they love their gran; they possibly don't even know there is another option. It seems you haven’t done what many of us have suggested and offered them a proper choice of Gran or Dad. Not necessarily every time but sometimes.

'I send them to Gran and they are content' doesn’t trump 'I give them the option of going to their Dad or their Gran'.

Of course Dad is at liberty to take you to Court but, trust me on the information you have given us, you will look stupid.

You still haven’t told us about the circumstances of you not being ‘available'.

I have to disagree with certain elements of what is being said. When the court decides who gets the kids and when, within each parents time with the kids, they need to consider building in a relationship for the kids with other family members i.e. grandparents, Aunties, Uncles, cousins etc. So if once or twice a week, the OP asks her mum to look after the kids (at their age this is not like proper full on babysitting) then that's fine as its part of creating family unity.

Is she was leaving them with strangers then he may have a point.

I would have thought the kids would have some say in where they want to be and with whom. Have they said they want to be with their Dad, or is it all him saying this? If the ex husband doesn't like it, he can go back to court so it depends how the OP thinks this will pan out, we can't really say as we don't have enough to judge it on but given the kids ages, I would think the court would be interested in their opinion.

Why would you go to court if you could just sort out it between you? I would think the judge would think your being ridiculous not allowing children of 13&14yrs to see their father if he's available and your not around.

They may be happy at their nans but give them a choice say you can go to your nans or you can go to your dads what do you want to do ?
They aren’t 3 and 4 yeas old they are actually old enough to decide where to go.

Everyone: YABU
OP: I'm doing it my way, what my teenagers might want is irrelevant

FFS

Well to be fair a lot HAS changed in 8 years. For one they're not the 5 and 6 year olds that they were 8 years ago. They're teenagers..dad really isn't being unreasonable. He's asking for more time with his kids. If your kids wanted to spend more time with their dad are you really going to tell them "no that 8year old court order says you can't" don't be so unreasonable. Unless there's any legal or safeguarding reasons why he can't have them then that would be different but I'd take a wild guess there isn't any safety issues otherwise you'd not send your kids to him at all

I don't disagree with you about the practicality of the court order.
But I just can't see a situation where parents have an amicable co-parenting situation, and one of them would voluntarily reduce contact time with the other parent "because it's their time", without any attempt to compromise.

Surely you would want to accommodate more contact if it's easily doable and the kids want to? And if they are teens, you would at least give them the choice?

It sounds more like OP and her ex don't have a good co-parenting relationship, and OP is still looking at getting back at her ex. Which - unless there is significant background that was missing from the OP - is petty when the children are teens and able to make an informed decision.

What would be your reason for not allowing this, as you describe him, ‘good loving Dad’ to have his own children when can’t have them? You are being controlling and stopping him having them more for no good reason. Co parent reasonably without being petty and point scoring and stop being so possessive over them-this sort of attitude helps no one in the end, least of all the children.

I agree with you entirely if that’s the case, just not sure using your mum for occasional babysitting is worth the pile on the OP for for alienating the dad that’s all.

Obviously intentional alienation, lack of cooperation, refusing to countenance more time for the sole reason of it being “her day” etc and not canvassing opinion of teens and listening to their view is unreasonable if that’s what’s going on

A lot has changed in 8 years.

What do your kids want? At 13 and 14, they could easily stay alone.

Why is it unreasonable for him to have them over if you're "unavailable" to be with your kids? Is this about being afraid of possibly adjusting support if you're leaving them at your mom's a lot

Yes, Courts understand the importance of children being involved and forming relationships with wider family, including their potential place in ‘childcare’.

However, OP hasn’t said why she is not available and for how long when the children have to be cared for by Gran. You, and the rest of us think the children would have some say in where and with who they want to be but OP doesn’t seem to have given them the information or choice.

She has said they enjoy being with their Gran but not said they prefer that to the option of being with their Dad. A couple of hours next door with Gran or a day and overnight with their Dad are very different options.

But is this because they don't know that being with Dad could be an option? Presumably you are not leaving them with your Mum so you can pop to Tesco, since they are of an age when they would be fine on their own. I'm guessing you are leaving them with Gran when you are away for an extended period of time, which is not generally a spur of the moment thing. In this situation his request seems perfectly reasonable to me. Agree though let the kids decide.

YABVVU

And that's part of what I said, we don't have enough info to judge on!

It seems pretty reasonable to me. Why wouldn't the other parent get the opportunity to have more parenting time when you're busy?

They can still visit their Nan, but surely it's more beneficial for them to spend extra quality time with a parent than a grandparent?

I think they’re old enough to decide for themselves, but if they were younger I don’t think you would be unreasonable. If contact is 50/50, then “your” time is for you to organise, and spending time with their maternal extended family is a valid part of that time. It would have muddied the waters and blurred the boundaries of a stable 50/50 custody arrangement, making it even more destabilising for the children than split custody already is.

Edit: sorry, just realised it’s EOW rather than 50/50. He should have gone to court to increase his time when they were younger, if he wanted to be an equal parent.

They might love their gran, but she is not their parent. If a close, loving parent is available to look after them that is the best option. They hardly see him.

100% reverse.

Bloody hell, this is terrible behaviour from you.

Thankfully the kids will be adults soon and will be able to spend lots of time eith their dad.

People keep writing that a lot has changed in 8 years.

The biggest change is surely that they’re much much easier to look after.

Interesting that it’s now that the dad feels so strongly Nan shouldn’t be doing the childcare………

Yes another 'mother' using her kids to score points against her ex.
How sad.