Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

But you have said that they don't know about their father's preference.

I think it depends on the situation, you're going to be a couple of hours late home from work....they could either stay home or pop to nans for tea and it's probably more convenient.
You're planning on being out for the evening you should ask dad first.

Up to yout teens to decide tbh. Your arrangement with your Mom does not come into it. Kind of surprised that you have not discussed it with them. They are not your procession. They are old enough for free will and to make decisions for themselves. Talk to them

If you aren't spending the time with them, and he's a good dad, why would it possibly matter to you if he sees them more?

Or is it overnight? ££

The way I'm reading this is that you have a contact arrangement in place, but the children's father actively wants to see his children more and is actively offering to have the children any time you are unavailable.
I don't see why this is a bad thing? Surely the fact that he is more than happy to have your children is a good thing?

The only thing I can think of is that you don't want him to have them more overnight because of CMS payments but frankly I think if he wants more contact good on him.

Is your reluctance because you will receive less maintenance or will have to pay him?

Why would you not want your ex to have the kids, agreement or not? What’s your concern?

Yeah, I get things change. Just think that it’s a bit much to constantly put the onus on mum to get the dad and the kids more time when he’s clearly not asked for more for 8 years when things have changed.

It may well be that OP only uses her mum one a month for an hour or two and that’s hardly additional quality time for dad.

The focus should be on updating the court order to make it reflect the changes in circumstances now the kids are older or their wishes if they’ve expressed any rather than addutional admin pressures on mum to ask dad if he wants them every time she would otherwise ask her mum.

This! Puzzled by all the hectoring responses.

I assume there's a reason why this loving father only has his kids every other weekend and once midweek. I guess he can go to court if he wants to change it. Or ask them if they want to come round instead of expecting you to sort it for him

At age 13 and 14 it really should be up to the kids

But he is not being unreasonable

Your reluctance is definitely to do with the maintenance. Most loving parent I know would want the best for their kids and if spending more time with their other parent who loves and cares for them then so be it. I can’t why else you won’t ask the teenagers what they want.
I hope you reflect on this and stop being selfish and put them first.

Yet OP is being criticised for the same thing! She used her mum because, as per the court order, it’s her time to make it work as she sees fit!

You sound more motivated by being difficult to your ex for no valid reason than you are by being a decent parent who does what’s best for her children. Also your justifications are plainly stupid. “There’s an arrangement from 8 years ago in place”. What might have worked at ages 5 and 6 isn’t the same as what’s right at 13 and 14. Like most aspects of parenting, a bit of common sense and selflessness would guide you here.

But you haven’t even spoken to the children. This is all about you.

would you really rather drag your children through the court process than sit and have a sensible conversation taking into account them getting older?

It’s not “her time”. This sort of thinking is what results in children growing up emotionally damaged by their pathetic warring parents.

But it is her time. Parents who have amicable coparenting relationships still have to adhere to court orders or private agreements about which time it is mum’s responsibility to look after the kids and which time it’s dad’s responsibility to look after the kids otherwise nobody would ever know if they were collecting them from school/having them for the weekend.

If mum has the childcare responsibility on certain days and something comes up and she chooses to offer her own mother an next door neighbour some time with her grandkids I don’t see any issue with that at all!

Obviously if she went on holiday for a week or away for a weekend she would normally have them, dad ought to be considered but her only responsibility on the days she has custody of the kids is to ensure they’re looked after by someone appropriate whether it be her, her mum or whoever else.

Why don't your teenagers have input on the schedule ? Utterly bizarre that you are sticking with the rigid EOW and one night through the week, which was agreed when they were only 6 and 5.
It's not fair on your teenagers to have no agency.

Would him having them more mean he could pay less or is happy with maintenance arrangements and more than willing to do the extra?

it seems strange to say me and my mum are happy with the arrangement.

Lol. I bet you're gutted that posters have almost unanimously sided with the man here, aren't you? I can imagine you poised excitedly ready to type double standards!! Hypocrisy!! Misandry!!
Now you've been thwarted you're looking for another way to pick a fight. Funny.

He did go to court? And got EOW and one midweek which means that's what OP was willing to give him. If he had asked for more and OP agreed he would have got it. But somehow that makes him a deadbeat dad? Can't do right for doing wrong!

So you're just being petty and bitter, 8 years after your separation... It's nothing to do with your kids, and all to do about you.

Nice...

You don't have to make the kids choose permanently, all you have to do is give them the flexible option. Hey kids, totally your choice as you're a bit older, but on some of the weekends when I'm not around you can choose if you'd prefer to go to your Dad's or Gran's.

Easy peasy and gives your older kids more autonomy. Tbf its fair for him to ask for more contact time if he wants to see them more and its not encroaching on your time. And making it the kids choice is perfectly reasonable at their age. They may want to see him more too.

Unless there is significant abuse or danger, I wouldn’t imagine a court will look at custodial arrangements for a 13 and 14 year old who will soon simply vote with their feet.

All this talk of her time/his time/my time. Certainly at their ages, it's their time (meaning these teens). Their wishes should be taken into account.

Booooo you OP
although court action is also mental