Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

@Ifoott Yes, it would be a waste of everyone’s time and money to go to court over this. No court orders will be binding in under three years (less than two for her eldest). It would be far better to be flexible for the remaining time.

Wind up merchant

At first I thought you were being weirdly petty about this, but then thinking about it could also be a bit of an invasion of privacy, like you'd be expected to let your ex know every time you had some plans in the evening, what time you're leaving and what time you're back. And after 8 years of not doing that it could be uncomfortable to do so.

Perhaps a little bit of balance would be a good idea. I do not think you are being wholly unreasonable as I do not see why your mother should not have some time with them as well. But maybe you could take him up on the offer every now and then.

100% agree.

My stepchild is 14. The last court order is dated 2020. We pretty much stick to the schedule, he's happy with it. But there are times where he might have an event or go see his friends that live 5 minute walk from his mums house, which is 20 minute drive from us and if it was on late we suggest that he stays at his mums instead as it's easier for him. Or as we WFH he stays here longer on exchange days (exchange at 10am) until his mum finishes work.

This weekend my husband has just agreed to his mum having 1 extra day over the summer (and not asked for the time back) because SS wants to go to a concert with her.

It hasn't always been like this. In fact, we have piles of police records and broken court orders (on her side). But as the child is now a teen, it's gotten much easier and he knows now he can ask us things and we try to accommodate once reasonable.

The OPs kids are teens and shou easily be able to decide if they want extra time at Dads or would prefer to stay with Grandmother.

Very selfish. Please do what is best for your kids, and that is a close relationship with their loving father.

Surely what is best for your kids trumps what a bunch of strangers in a court decided?

You seem to be prioritising getting one over on your ex. That’s selfish. He’s a good father, let him have as much time with the kids as he can.

But equally, the kids are old enough to choose and to make their own way wherever they want to go.

I wonder if you are rather controlling.

“If I’m unavailable”. Why would you be unavailable for your kids? If you’re stuck at work and running half an hour late, it would make sense for them just to pop next door to granny rather than being left alone. But if your ex is only five minutes away, equally they could go to him. It all depends how often and what’s the reason.

You say your ex is a good and loving father so why are you not open to him having more time with these kids? If things have changed in the years since you got the original Court order, it’s definitely not going to help the children if you end up fighting it out in Court again.

It seems to me that you are trying to punish him without telling us what he has done in the past to deserve punishment.

Are you my partners ex? This is the sort of bullshit she pulls. You are being unreasonable and ghe only ones you hurt are the kids

You said “He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.…. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. He lives 5 mins away”

I’m not surprised!! A good parent who cares about their children is willing to fight for them. On the other hand, a parent who clearly feels threatened by this will retaliate by refusing them time.

And the only people who suffer in that situation is the children.

Keeping everything crossed for dad!

Why can't he have them?
Reverse it, if it was you in his situation wouldn't you want them.
It seems your creating an issue when all he wants to be is a dad

That’s a bit harsh. Maybe she’s going to take an exercise class or god forbid wants to go on a date.

Unless he is an alcoholic or abusive or there’s some other reason why you think it’s unwise for your children to be spending more time with him, I cannot get my head around you not wanting him to have as much time as possible with his children.

It depends how often they are with their gran. If they barely see her it's reasonable she sees them sometimes, if they are there multiple times a week why can't you ask him, as he wants to see them more?

What do the kids say?

Yep. Me too. What woman writes ‘you ladies’?!

Maybe after 8 years of things being this way she's used to limited contact and doesn't want to feel like she has to let him know any time she's going somewhere?

You have no idea as it hasn't occurred to you to ask what the kids would like.

Out of interest what would your take on it be if the situation was reversed? As in, if he was unavailable on one of ‘his’ times so had a family member spend time with them instead would you feel they should’ve stayed home with you?

Absolutely 💯
But a reasonable compromise would be the OP suggesting that If she was to leave them for a full day, or overnight etc that of course he gets to see them.

I think most people would agree that if it's just because she's running 30 mins late, or nipped out for a gym class or grocery shopping etc that of course they can stay with Nan... but I'd also assume at their ages they could be left alone (with the knowledge Nan is next door). So perhaps it's longer stints.

Interesting that when they were 5 & 6, he was happy to do four days out of every 14, but now that they are more independent, he wants more time! Personally I would leave it up to the kids to decide if they want to spend time with their granny or dad. At 13 and 14 the courts would just ask them anyway!

What a cow

Was that what he was happy with or was that what courts decided? A lot has seemingly changed in the last 10 years when it comes to these things with a move from ‘every other weekend’ to ‘50/50’

We'd all have to speculate less if the OP had given us even a hint as to if she leaves them with her Mum

• for an hour after school until she gets home
• for the night when she is working shifts
• for a week whilst she goes on holiday
• occasional, ad hoc evenings when out
• all day Saturday because of her working pattern
• during a spell in hospital

or other scenarios. As it makes a difference.

As everyone lives so close, and they are of an age where they presumably have their own keys and can walk from one house to the other, you'd think there could be a lot more flexibility and the teens could decide, on a day by day basis, where they fancy hanging out on any particular day or evening.

Be grateful that your ex actually wants to spend time with your children and stop being unreasonable. Just because this arrangement is convenient for you doesn't automatically mean it works for everyone else (including "Nanny"). My brother's ex is trying to weaponise the children and restrict visits just because it isn't "convenient" for her, even though they enjoy being with him. It's upsetting for them as well as for him. Is that the kind of person you want to be? What will your children think about that, do you think, once they are old enough to understand?

It's actually a pretty standard court direction.
One midweek with the non-residential parent, and every 2nd weekend so that the kids at that young age have some consistency arojnd schooling and that each parent gets a full weekend. Particularly if the non residential parent works longer hours and the residential parent stayed in the family home.

Most court orders would change within 8 years though. In fact, a judge would be hesitant to enforce it at this stage.