Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

This is one of the big problems in co parenting, the view that nothing can be sorted out or agreed or flexed or considered without 'taking it back to court'

The courts are not there to make domestic decisions about something that most reasonable people should be able to manage. The kids are now teens, completely capable of independent travel and discussion about what they want to happen (wiithin reason) when mum needs to go out. Stay home? Go to nans? Go to dads? Go to a friend.

He shouldt need to go back to court and lack of wanting to does not indicate he doesnt care or isnt serious or whatever other accusations get bandied about on here.

Even if parents pay for their own legal advocacy, it costs a huge amount of tax payer money which is disgraceful in this sort of situation.

Not remotely the same thing as OP’s issue.

then you may consider it.

That's awfully nice of you 😄

At some point, @Daniella66‘s kids will find out that their dad wanted to see them more, and she said No. That could easily damage her relationship with her children. Sadly I suspect it matters more to her to thwart her ex than to do what would be best for the children - ie. ask them what they want to do.

No they're not, they are 13 & 14! Do pay attention 🙄

The kids don't know it's an option.

You've already said he's a good Dad, of course they should have the option.

Why you would want to drag them through court I have no idea, very selfish. You can just agree between you. It's in their best interests they spend more time with their other parent, their Dad is completely right to want to spend more time with them.

I thought from the OP this had to be a reverse, but from your other comments I'm thinking that it is sadly not.

What happens if your Mum can't do it? Or does she plan her life around you needing a babysitter?

So petty.

Why the fuck would it? That would be an entirely different scenario and you're being deliberately obtuse.

I agree but why does he not just ask or say to them they can pop over to him anytime if mums out etc.

OP said
He doesn't think its fair to ask the children !
This i feel is strange as he said he will go to court instead.

Yes, that is strange! I also don't think he will be taken kindly if he goes back to court on this basis having not bothered speaking to the kids.

Oh please. He only wants to be asked now they are self sufficient... OP is right, if he cared, nothing stopped him asking for the right of first refusal 8 years ago, whatever his circumstances were...

surprised you are so keen to stick it to him that you are reluctant to acknowledge that 8 years is a long time and things change.

Lots of my friends have agreements that if they can't look after their DC for some reason "on their time" the other parent is asked if they want to.

You are VU here

If anyone is still holding out for the drip feed I think they're going to be mighty disappointed.

He probably doesn't want to put them on the spot. Plus, the OP appears to be completely unwilling to 'allow' any extra time which the kids have probably picked up on. I can imagine her fury if he went and told them himself when she clearly doesn't agree.

Court is unfortunately the only option when one parent refuses to compromise simply because their current babysitting option suits them just fine, with no thought for anyone else.

Are you surprised that things have changed in 8 years, @Daniella66?

And can’t you see that it would be to your children’s benefit for you to be able to discuss arrangements with their father in a grown up and mature fashion? Or that is very likely that a more flexible approach will be necessary, and will be beneficial to the children as they get older?

I cannot see how it will be better for the children for you to drag their father into court again, over something that two adults could easily sort out between them, if they both decide to!

So many say OP is BU without acknowledging the risk of controlling behaviour from an ex that has to be consulted every time you need childcare... he will know about every night out, job interview, medical appointment... even if he wasnt abusive, none of these things are his business anymore, OP is entitled to keep her life private.

She hasn’t said that he is controlling, has she, @Caddycat? From what I recall of her posts, she hasn’t said there is any reason, to do with his behaviour, that is stopping her from agreeing to what her ex has said.

As I said earlier, isn’t it better for the children if the parents can discuss things politely, rather than dragging everything back into court?

Like i said, controlling or not, she has a right to lead her life without him being in the know of everything she does.

And again, why now? He could have asked for this when childcare was necessary or -god forbit- helpful to the OP?

But how long has he been saying that for?

The inference I get is this is all talk and that is why she is sticking to the 8 year old court order.

Maybe she knows if she is seen to not comply with the court order he will think he doesn’t have to comply either.

No one knows what has gone on before but until he takes her to court which he hasn’t done in 8 years (if it was him to take her to court in the first place) then atm she is complying with the courts until she is told otherwise.

But wouldnt it be better to put them on the spot now rather than in court?

Or will he just spring it on them just before court.

He needs to ask / tell them himself first so at least he can say to the court he did ask.

I asked OP a few questions way up thread but no reply to anyone on here yet.

I come at this from having seen friends go through similar
Sticking to the court order is the only way to go

Most knew if their exh’s ever got them into court it would be for their own benefit and not the children’s and if the courts ruled 50/50 friends would lose CM but gain a book of excuses on why exh couldn’t look after his children 50% of the week.

But most knew they would never take them to court.

Why does asking him if he wants to/can have the DC for an extra day/afternoon/ night/week mean he's "in the know of everything she does"?

"Hi Dave, i know it's my weekend to have the kids, but somethings come up. Can you have them or shall I make alternative arrangements?"

He doesn't need to know if thats extra shifts at work paying triple time meaning they can afford a holiday, or that OP is planning on having a threesome with the men she met at the Christmas party. If ex replies asking what's come up then a simple "none of your business! Do you want them or not?"

What makes you think he only wants to be asked now they are stroppy teenagers 'self sufficient' ?
OP might not have been 'unavailable' until recently, or he might only have discovered she is on a regular basis.

I don’t find it strange at all if he has experience of the kids spending time with him being weaponised.

The situation where it would be unfair to ask the kids is if everyone knows it isn’t a real choice and one of them will be punished by guilt tripping (well all of the components of FOG, fear of upsetting their mother, feeling obligated to go to grans or to do what they’re told, guilted for making a decision OP won’t like).

We know OP isn’t happy for them to spend any more time with their Dad- so normally strange yes; but here not.

Because it's a lot more likely that he is only asking now they are self sufficient than assuming a single mum has not needed help with chilcare for 8 years... 🤷‍♀️

How does your ex know that you’re not available? If this was my ex, I wouldn’t agree with them going to him, because my ex loves to spy and meddle in my life to cause problems