Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

Quite agree. Father is probably aware that if one parent asks a question and gets the answer they want the other parent will claim ‘foul’ and say they worded the question to make the child(ren) do the pick me dance in their favour. This puts the child(ren) in an invidious position. They usually love and want to please both parents; more to the point, they don't want to upset either parent. This sort of thing really messes with their heads.

Frequently, in Court, both parents claim their child(ren) want to spend more time or live with them. CAFCASS are able to speak to the children and discover their true wishes and feelings in an objective non-threatening way, and feed back to the Court.

Put crudely,
‘You’d prefer to come to me if your Mum is out wouldn’t you ?’
‘Yes Dad’

‘You’d prefer to be with Gran if I’m out wouldn’t you ?’
‘Yes Mum’

Which is true? Usually, somewhere in between. and being flexible

Just let them decide at that age! They're old enough.

Or do what my neighbours do which is 2/2/3 then switch around.

She doesn’t need childcare now; her mother looks after the children.

What she is doing is preventing the children spending more time with their father. We don’t know what has triggered father to ask because OP hasn’t responded to questions. OP hasn’t indicated any control or ‘spying’ issues. She wouldn’t need to give a reason for there to be opportunities for the children to spend more time with their father.

You keep using the expression ‘self-sufficient’, 5 and 6 year olds have their own challenges, as do 13 and 14 year olds, and all can be very demanding.

OP hasn't given enough information and people are making things up as they are going along.

Bingo! At last someone else who understands the potential issues.

I can't imagine being 14 and not being able to just go and see my dad, five minutes away, whenever I wanted to.

I know right?! It's weird.

If the OPs for real then she's going to struggle when the 15/16s happen

Of course she's entitled to keep a private life. A normal response would be to counter Dad by saying 'sure, if I'm away overnight then they can go with otherwise I'll arrange my own plans".

I don't think anybody is suggesting Every time she leaves the house he has to know.

First right of refusal is pretty standard nowadays but it usually has a minimum timeframe like 6 hours etc

Interesting. I guess if it's come to the point where there needs to be a court order to make parents stick to an agreement, there isn't any trust between them. We don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but the fact that the father is threatening to take OP to court over this makes him sound the problem.

I actually see it completely the opposite. The fact he feels he needs to take her to court would make it seem like she is the problem.

He's asked for the children to go to him when OP isn't 'available' and she has refused. What part of that makes him unreasonable?

They are old enough now to be asked what they would prefer.

I've got to go out for x, until y, whatever. Would you prefer to go to your dad's or your gran's?

Its not a terrible question. You're not asking them who they love more. Nobody is getting rejected. Why are you concerned about their dad spending more time with them? Surely its a good thing that he wants this?

If he goes back to court the decision (at this age) will be to go with the children’s decision unless there is a massive backstory re risk.
8 years ago they would have been around 5 and 6, now they are teens who are of an age where they can make their own decisions.
Really the only sensible way forward here is to leave it up to them.

If I felt the OP would be able to ask that question with no bias, I too would advocate that approach, but do you really get that vibe from OP ?

So much easier to not even ask the question or say ‘I’m going out, you’ll be OK with Gran won’t you?’

I don't know the nuances of this, none of us do. I'm just showing some support to OP because she sounds fair-minded - says he's a good father - and is being piled on.

Anyway she last posted 13 pages ago. She's out and so am I. Sort it out amongst yourselves :)

Why is it not the point? They’re of an age many kids start to stay home alone, as long as they are good kids, don’t fight and aren’t likely to destroy the house it’s a valid option.

It’s only unfair on the kids if you both make a massive deal of it. They’re of an age they’re going to want to do more of their own thing anyway and arguing over this sort of thing is going to backfire on you.

much easier to take each instance as it comes, hey kids I have to work Saturday what do you want to do, dad says you can go there if you want but it’s cool if you want to stay with nanny.

Your kids should decide

Fair minded?

She refuses to let the kids see their father (when she isn't even with them) because an 8 Yr old court order hadn't the foresight to expect her to leave them with other people so much.

That's not fair.

She hasn't asked the kids either but insists they're happy.

That's not fair.

She's the complete opposite of fair.

I disagree: the following quote from the opening post says to me that OP is hindering her children from spending time with their father because she can. She has not indicated he is abusive, this is about having the right of veto and choosing to use it to hurt her ex. (Knowing that he won’t drag the kids into it, even though she will.)
He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

I agree with you. I'm not surprised she's an ex!

So you haven't thought of maybe asking the children what they would like to do? Sounds like you are holding a lot of emotional baggage from the past. Glad you're not my ex!

That was then........this is now.
You've said he gets on well with them and them him. They are teens - plenty old enough to choose for themselves or spend that time on their own at home. I would leave the decision entirely up to them (or whatever happens to be most practical on any particular day).

Unless it is full days or overnight why would anyone need to “have” them. They are big enough to be left alone for a few hours.

But, as others have stated, let them decide. They aren’t toddlers. They may even prefer to spend time with their own friends.

You have an agreement that works for you, and I can see why you feel frustrated by him wanting to change it now. But also, I do see his point, and if he wants more time with his children I think between you and him and your mum you could come to an arrangement where everyone is happy. But I would set down firm ground rules that everyone agrees and signs to.

I wish you and all your family well as you decide how to progress.

You only go to court if you don’t agree. So it is more likely you wanted to minimise contact, he had to accept the crumbs of contact he could get, and rather then allow the father of your children to look after them when you can’t, you seek to continue to minimise contact by getting your mum to look after them.

I assume you all live close, why can't they do 3 nights with each of you, and if you or dad's not home they can hang at who ever is home or grandmas