Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

YABU, he's their dad and they should be able to spend as much time with him as they can.

I'm on the fence with it really.

My exH and i never had a court order, and i never asked him to babysit because it gave him access to the knowledge that i was going out, which amounted to him interrogating me about where i was going/who with..etc. It's been 8 years, they're now older teens, and i still prefer to leave them with Mom given the choice.. for the same reasons. my private social life is none of his business.

If that's your issue, then i'm on your side.

IF however that doesn't happen, and your only reason is the court order, then would it hurt to ask him occasionally instead of your mom?

If he's being a dick about it, let him take it back to court.. he'll be told what you do with the kids in your contact time is up to you.

What surprises me is that you think sticking to an outdated agreement in the face of the ex taking her to court is what’s best for the children. The agreement is 8 years old. The kids were five and six at the time. At thirteen and fourteen their needs and wants will have changed and the court will take their wishes into account anyway, so why drag them through the courts if you can sit down and work things out so everyone is happy.

If ex has to take it to court the kids will be asked what they want - so they may as well be asked at the start.

But surely if the dad wants to see them more and has a good relationship with them, that’s what matters. What OP is doing in her own time is none of his business and she doesn’t have to explain herself or her movements to him - she certainly doesn’t have to tolerate being interrogated.

Really, @ChillingWithMySnowmies . I thought children's views were very much taken into consideration by the courts?
At one time, fathers having their children every other weekend was the norm. Now the starting point is 50/50 perhaps because some mothers act like gatekeepers to their children.
Women, in the main, want equality by sharing childcare responsibilities fairly. your views sound very dated and unfair to both fathers and mothers.

Yes I loved with my dadand brothers with mum. No court ordered "access". But we floated between houses as we wished at that age. Just had to let parents know where we would be

Why wouldn’t you let you kids spend time with their parent. How would you feel if you were missing time with them while they were sat with your mother in law? I can’t understand how parents can put their selfishness or spite ahead of their childrens wellbeing.

unless there is some huge back story.

You sound like you are using your poor kids as weapons to spite your ex.

You asked for an opinion. I gave it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure it works like that. Do older children need to see more of their father (in this case) than younger ones?

Well in this case there's no reason the kids can't make their own way between houses. Unlike 8 years ago

Their dad is threatening court action to have the agreement amended so he sees them more. If this happens, at 13 and 14 the children themselves are old enough to decide what they want, and that is what the court will ask them, so of course it’s up to them to some extent. Rather than put her children through that OP should be involving them now and working out an arrangement that suits everyone. If it goes to court the end result will be the same.

Surely it’s not a case of what they need, but what they want ?

You say that your kids are happy with three status quo. But are they aware that there's an alternative?

Ask yourself, are you doing this for you or for your children

To be honest l think this is either a reverse or as you say, a back story we’re not getting.

Exactly. They're old enough to decide whether they want to spend an afternoon with their dad or gran. I mean really they're at the age where they could just be at home on their own for a few hours fgs

Given their ages I'd expect the court to ask them what they want.

You start this sort of age giving them more options than you do with younger kids.

Younger kids then yes sadly yes one parent often has to let that parent do what they want on their time - this sort of age teens get a say.

Also not sure why 13 and 14 year old need to be left with someone - you can't leave them overnight clearly but during day or few hours they should be fine on their own.

Given he's 5 min away and wants to spend time with them why wouldn't they go to him? They are teens I'd get their opinion on it , they may not want to go to him . If its court ordered I'd ask if he wants to go back to court for more time ? The teens opinions and wants should come first

Agree, and from reading between the lines of the replies OP has given l’d bet the farm that she’s the reason they have a court order in the first place. Sounds like dad has had to fight tooth and nail for what he has now.

Interrogation ?

Where are you going?
Out
Who with?
None of your business (Repeat as necessary)
I need to know
No, you don’t (Repeat as necessary)

I imagine you are getting these responses as the kids are 13/14yo.

Well... yes 🙄

People are responding to the situation as OP has explained it. Why the hell would they respond to an entirely different situation? Very, very odd post.

That was not the point i was making. The poster said they are at an age where they decide and I said no they arent in the sense of if its easier for gran to have them then that's fine too. I also said I thought the op could be more flexible. I get both sides of it and yes of course what the kids want is relevant but in a safe situation where all adults are safe to be around and mum prefers to drop kids off at her mums then thats what she will do. It doesn't need to go to court. Thats stupid on both parts. Just let the kids go over when they can and other times they can go to their grans too.

At 14 and 14 I'd assume you're not asking them or offering him as a punishment to him for not having them enough. Would you prefer 50/50? How often are they with a grandparent instead of a parent?

Older children need more autonomy as they grow up. Courts understand that there is a shelf life to the Orders they hand down and they usually end with something along the lines of ‘any other times as agreed’.

This is it, but OP won't tell us if this is 2 hours, 24 hours or 48 hours....