Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

They are teens, but you don't think to talk about it with them

Could they stay with their dad, and away from you, for longer?

Absolutely this. Why would anyone put their need to keep their movements private from the ex above their childrens’ right to a good relationship with their other parent ? And why on earth would they feel obliged to answer intrusive questioning ?

Of course they can choose but they don't have to tell him. On days they want to go to him, tell him. On days they don't, they go to Nan's. He doesnt need to know what is happening on the other days.

It's up to them. It seems like their dad has very very limited contact with them. I understand that's the court arrangement but as they get older they'll be able to have more freedom of who they see and if they wish to see him more you shouldn't be standing in their way.

You are treating your children like they are your possessions. Are you scared they may love their dad more ? Very very soon they won't be children and i think you will be in for a shock.

But OP appears to be inflexible, hasn’t asked the kids what they want and Gran is the only option. Unless she relents a little and allows him more access he will go to court, the court will ask the kids what they want and base any variation on that, and OP will have to abide by it.

You're definitely a bloke arent you?

'you ladies'

If he thinks it unfair then he needs to take this back to court.

I don’t think you are being infair. I can see the issues
It’s not just the extra 5 minutes they have to travel to their fathers . It’s the extra time you have to wait around for him to arrive to pick them up and making sure they have everything. Then when you pick them up from their fathers it’s 5 more minutes out of your way to get them. 5 more minutes extra to get them back home on top of the extra time to get everyone in the car with everything they need.
it’s just messy and exhausting and eats into your time with them.

These things are never just 5 minutes

Gran lives next door. Father lives close by. Two teens do not need "dropping off" in either place. What you mean is "Mum prefers the kids go to her mums and won't allow any discussion".

5 minutes away means the teens get themselves there (and back).
Teens are quite capable of sorting out their own things.
You are literally making problems where none exist.

Mum is abiding by a court order.

Next time when someone posts that the father has not returned dc to their mother.
Is your reply going to advise the mum to be flexible

Come on Dad, ‘fess up, it’s you doing a reverse isn’t it ? You must have realised by now most of us aren’t against you.

We keep asking why mother is ‘unavailable’ and you can’t tell us. That’s OK, it’s not your business whether she’s having coffee with a friend, going to gigs, or out with a new partner. Don’t you ask her or the children. As far as you’re concerned she’s out/unavailable, end of.

I would much rather parents resolved issues like this between themselves but if mother is being awkward and you, rightly, don’t want to pressure the children into ‘choosing’ then your only recourse is Court. Pre-Court Mediation should resolve the issues once mother realises she’s in danger of losing time with the children if you ask for more than the current EOW and mid-week. She seems to be a very uptight person but Mediation or a solicitor might give her some insight into reality. If not then the CAFCASS meetings with the children will find out what they think and want without pressure from either parent ding the 'choose me' dance.

Good luck, don’t pressurise the children, just keep a great relationship with them.

Since when do teenagers need a babysitter? Just leave them at home, especially if gran lives literally next door.

I’ve said it before and I don’t doubt I’ll say it again. An eight year old Court Order is past its sell by date and unless there are serious safeguarding issues the parents should grow their relationship alongside the children‘s growth.

Hiding behind an eight year old Court Order is controlling.

Oh don't be daft!

There are always occasions when even SAHP have to leave their children for some reason or another.

Are you saying that you've never, ever left yours?

How long are they being left for?

If it's a couple of hours with Gran next door, surely they can be left at home?

Then let him take her to court.

As long as he sees them when he's meant to, why stop him from seeing them more?

Anyone who weaponises their kids is scum IMO

Court would basically tell them to sort it out amongst themselves as they should. They would not want to have a hearing about this at best a directions one where it was agreed by the parties

which frankly they should be doing anyway.

So mum returns at 10pm.
Mum calls to say she is home
Teens leave their fathers house at 10.05pm and are back at 10.10pm

Unless 5 minutes is car travel time.

In which case expect dc to walk through the door at gone 11 pm
I certainly wouldn’t want dc roaming the streets at that time

Yes I am seeing problems where there are none. Been told that a few times IRL

Except no one seems to remember that when what I forecast could happen, happens

And until that day the court order stands

Eh? I don't get this. Are you bitter about something?

He's their dad, surely he's just saying he'd like to be able to see them more and be default "childcare" why is that a bad thing?

Or their Dad drives them home if the area is that bad.
Or Mum picks them up on her way home.

No different from your child being at a friend's house surely?

Or they could walk

Or if neither parent drives they stay overnight

That is what I've advised