Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

That sounds really unhealthy
They have 2 parents and unless one is a danger, both parents should be flexible, not this rigid my time, your time.
He should also be open to some time with grandmother.
But sounds like they are seeing their grandmother more than their dad which is a bit out of balance

At that age most kids I know just come and go between parents as they want. If its court ordered surely you have to go back to court to make changes?

I do feel like the other parent should be the first port of call tbh. My ex has the dc a meagre amount, and thinks hes doing me a favour to have them more. Aside from him being the most unpleasant person I know, Id be delighted if he was of the same mindset as OPs ex.

Why would you want to limit his access if he's close, available and he's a good father? So many women struggle to get father's engagement, yet here you are blocking access for no good reason. Yes, you're being awful. Ask the kids, and adjust according to what they'd like without any manipulation of 'but Nanny loves you so much' sort of crap. Frankly he's trying to change without a court order, so he's being open and communicative and reasonable. I guess if you continue to block additional access it will go to court, and the kids will be asked. Why not work with him, instead of against?

But it's context.

Maybe the post you're referring to was that the Dad only had the kids a handful of times a month, so therefore him sending them for his mum to care for IS shitty.

From the OPs post it reads like Dad here has them 8 nights a month possibly.. Which gives Mum 20-23 nights approx... THAT is the issue here. It's not the fact they're going to Nans occasionally, it's that Dad is wanting and willing to see his kids more and she is stopping him without good reason.

Does anyone trust OP to ask her children what they want, without making it very clear to them what answer she wants them to give? I wouldn't.

Surely they see their grandmother all the time if she lives next door? But anyway, at that age it’s up to them.

Omg you sound like my dss: mother.

She never allowed an additional night here or there because of the 'court order' that had been set up some 6 years previous. Eventually he chose to live with us aged 14 and she tried desperately to cling into a court order.

She didn't get anywhere.....

Your children now have a voice.

It sounds like you are trying to minimise contact and alienate him from being a full parent - not looked on favourably btw.

Why can't they see their dad more? Does it have anything to do with the number of nights and maintenance???

I'm surprised too OP. It's best if everybody sticks to the agreement in place - not because they're being rigid and possessive, but because predictability is good for everyone's wellbeing, most of all children's. And while it's well intentioned, asking them to choose between dad and grandma is not conducive to their wellbeing either.

I got on well with my ex and he adores DC, but respecting the access arrangement enabled us all to get on with life. It's complicated enough being a split family, without bringing more decisions and mission-creep into the equation.

As they grow older, arrangements inevitably loosen up a bit... but even then, mid-teens onward are the exam years, where routine is more important than ever.

An eight year old court order is bound to be outdated, when the original was created to meet the needs of five and six year olds. It may have little relevance to the needs of the same children at 13 and 14 years old

Are you worried he'll then use this as a reason to pay less maintenance? I think you are out of order. Unless there is something you are not telling me most divorced mums I know would be delighted with this offer.

If it's case where they go to your mum's for a few hours while you run errands that don't interest them or go to an appointment, that's none of your ex's business and he probably can't do anything about it legally unless he can make a case that your mum's house is a harmful environment for them. If you're working nights and leaving them with your mum routinely, he may have an issue because the agreement will likely specify the number of nights they spend with each parent and isn't accounting for a case where it's neither parent.

Is there some reason you and the dad don't each have the children 50% of the time? If he lives so close, wouldn't it be just as easy for them to get to and from school, friends, clubs - even your mum when they want to see her - from either home? I wouldn't deviate from a formal written agreement at his request as I assume there's a reason it's in place and he also sounds litigious, but I would consider formally amending the agreement to give them equal time with him each week.

I'm sure they could do that but only if they are aware that is an option.
I'm not saying OP has told them going to their father's isn't an option and they have to go to Gran but given she isn't answering questions many of us have asked, we're not getting a full objective story.

Quite. Maybe that's why father is suggesting going back to court so, if Mediation doesn't work, CAFCASS will be able to ask the children what they would prefer without pressure from either parent.

You do sound quite petty I have to say. They are adolescents not small children. Why can’t they make a decision. Why do people have to make things so difficult for each other .

They are happy to stay with nanny as you haven’t given them the option or choice to see dad for extra time

how often are you going out /leaving with nan

yes you can obv go out and make plans when have kids. But why wouldn’t you let your ex see his kids more. He’s not a bad dad you say so yourself

It's so great to hear about a dad who not only wants to see more of his children/teens but is actually offering to have them at the ex's convenience.

Aside from his "designated" allocated slots with his dc he is offering for you a parent for them to be with when you need.

I think your ex is great and you could easily say to the teens - oh dad wants to see you whilst i'm off doing e y and z so you'll be going to see him. Even if you alternate each event and they see both grandmother and dad, though why you get to choose as you're not the "boss" and your ex is the other parent.

Given that you've not made any comments about them being unhappy with him, we have to assume they are. At that age it seems obvious that they should be given the choice, on each occasion and independently of each other. And sometimes that will mean they choose their Dad, and other times they might choose your Mum. But you seem to be making it a him or her thing, and neither one of you asking the only 2 people it actually effects.

My reading of this is that you don't want to give him an inch in case it gives him leverage to change the current arrangements and therefore the child support you receive.

Unless there is a backstory about him being utterly flakey then you are being unreasonable. But you opened by saying he is a good father and close with his kids.

So he is able to, and wants to, spend more time with them at a time when it has no impact whatsoever on you, and you would like to block that because, "My time, my rules!"

That is petty and spiteful, as others have said.

It's very likely that if he took you to court and asked for first refusal he would get it.

I bet this has something to do with child maintenance

That court order was made when your youngest was 5. Why would it still be relevant now? Do you parent the same way did 8 years ago? I’m guessing not. You change as your kids get older and adapt to their wants and needs. This should be no different. I’m afraid your being far too rigid with this and the fact that you haven’t even asked your kids their preference speaks volumes

My mother did what you're doing. It was painfully obvious that she didn't do it out of any great love for me, but to spite my dad as she hated him. Also, dad was rich and paid her a very substantial amount of money as maintenance. Not court-mandated, it was an agreement between them.

On my 12th birthday, I told her I wanted to live with dad. She refused. He took her to court, and the court let me choose. I went to live with him and didn't see her much afterwards. On my own volition.

So proceed at your own peril. If you haven't sufficiently brainwashed your kids yet/beat them into submission (metaphorically) - they might do what I did. They're old enough for it.

Me neither. Upthread she said she didn’t know what her kids would like as she hadn’t asked them. Then a bit later she said they were quite happy with Gran. If Gran is the only option she’s giving them it’s Hobsons’ choice.

But why is it appropriate to limit teenage children's access to a loving and capable father who lives minutes away? Nobody's talking about a level of 'unpredictability' that would be unsettling for older children - just some flexibility with where they spend their time while Mum is out.