Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

If you’re away overnight I think he has a point. But is there more to this ie new partners involved and he is making it hard for you. I would use my time with them to spend quality time with them. If you are working etc and coming home later he is being unreasonable. It’s not your mums job to parent which may be why he has mentioned it if it is a long amount of time.

I find it interesting when people explain a close loving relationship, because from your post it seems like the DC see their Dad for 8 evenings a month? (If I've read it correctly)

Why can't he have them more? If he is willing to then that's a good thing surely (assuming he provides for them during their time together)

Teenagers can choose when they see their parents, especially if they live close by, unless there are safeguarding concerns, like previous DA etc. They don’t have to be ferried around or ‘handed over’, unless they’re at risk in some way.

The most important thing for kids is their parents put their needs first, get on as well as possible and they don’t feel caught in the middle of a parental battle. It’s in their best interests to spend as much time as possible with both parents, so should be encouraged to do so. If kids feel their mum doesn’t want them spending time with their dad (or vice versa), they often choose not to, to avoid upsetting their mum. That’s not acceptable. Amounts to emotional blackmail.

But time with grandparents is also important, so if they like being with their grandma, that’s fine too.

Suggest you try to avoid court and ask the kids what they want to do when you’re not around, making it clear if they want to be with their dad, that’s great.

If they say they’d rather be with grandma, their dad should accept it. I believe a court would support the preferences of the teenagers.

An hours or so I’d go with mum. Longer I’d ask kids what they want to do or if you don’t want kids to choose give dad option.

You need to give your kids some agency here. Would they prefer nanny's, dad's or to be home alone? And they're old enough to travel freely between homes, assuming there is transport (bus, bike etc.). Let them be part of the decision making.
It's rare for a father to want his kids MORE than the pitiful EOW. I can't see why on earth you'd protest that. It's in your children's best interests to have two loving and involved parents who coparent maturely. Being flexible and fair over access arrangements is an essential aspect to effective co-parenting.

Did he have to fight you through the courts to get one day and every other weekend, OP?

In spite of your description about him being a good dad, is this actually about you never having wanted him involved in their lives in the first place?

You say he's trying to break the agreement, but he isn't, is he? The agreement is that you have the children for every other weekend and every night of the week except one.

He's not trying to change that agreement, he's trying to see more of his children when you don't want them.

You sound utterly unreasonable about this. I hope it doesn't bite you on the backside by him taking it back to court and getting 50/50, or the children being asked by a court what they want and saying they want full time with their Dad.

I'm actually on his side from what you've explained so far.

He sounds like a loving father wanting to spend more time with his kids and you're stopping that from happening.
People make mistakes, but they're also capable of change.. 8 years is a long time!!

We only get one shot at this life stuff and kids only get one childhood... If he wants to spend time connecting with his DC, let him.

13 and 14? Why can't they stay home by themselves? Or do you mean overnight?

I’m guessing that if he has them those times you expect he will reduce maintenance? How often are you leaving them at mums?

Although at 14 & 16 they can just stay home alone.

I’m guessing that if he has them those times you expect he will reduce maintenance? How often are you leaving them at mums?

Although at 14 & 16 they can just stay home alone.

For an hour or so they can stay at home on their own. And given the option of going to their gran's (even if it's just popping in for some of the time).

Of course you are responsible for deciding how to care for the children when they are with you, which includes how they are supervised when you aren't there. But unless your ex is flakey or a poor parent, or would use them to hurt you in some way, I don't see that having another competent, loving adult to care for them is such a horrible thing? It's great you have your mum, but what happens if she's ill or can no longer take care of the children? (Plus, at their age, won't your children just walk over to their dad's house whenever they want to?)

Why havent you asked them what they want? At 13 and 14 they're plenty old enough to make up their own minds, and to be honest, why are you sending them to a "babysitter" at those ages??

This. In a few short years they will be able to make these decisions for themselves.

This has to be money related. Is he threatening to reduce your dosh is he has them more or something drip feedy?

No, time is not “mum’s time” or “dad’s time”. The purpose of shared care is to give the children time with both parents, not for the parents to scream like infants about “it’s my turn!”.

And parents who have “amicable” co-parenting relationships don’t have court orders in the first place, since a court order is only made when the parents are unable to behave like adults and agree what’s best for their children.

Talk about missing the whole point.

OP is doing this out of spite or concern they will lose CMS. There is no other reason as the OP has not claimed s/he is abusive to either him/her.

@Daniella66 what is your reaons?

Are you a man? I’ve only ever seen a man say the phrase ‘you ladies’

Well unfortunately OP I can’t blame him. He isn’t a monster for wanting to see his kids more and your lack or flexibility will
push him to it.

Is it worth being this rigid, going down that road, ending up in court and having less time with your kids?

At your kids age now he could get 50/50. Consider that maybe when you say no to him.

Also, maybe put your kids first and think of them?

If you have a hostile ex who takes you to court and manipulates things to be your fault and his way then no, you never ever deviate from the court agreement.

If you have a decent ex who would like to extend the time he has the children without trying to angle 50/50 care so he doesn't have to pay child support but you know he will neglect them when he has them, then you may consider it.

Depending on how often they are with Nanny, there has got to be a compromise that they spend some of the time with him? Based on you actually discussing it with them and offering them the options.

This. They’re 13 and 14 not 3 and 4

Hi, I'm a family solicitor and have experienced cases such as this. I totally understand your view and if the kids were younger, I'd agree that in your time, you should decide on childcare. However, if your ex were to make a further application, I think you would be criticised for not being flexible or asking your children what they would like to do. I don't think it needs to be all or nothing, perhaps sometimes they see dad and sometimes are with their nanny.

At that age surely they can just bike over to their dad's whenever they want, regardless of court orders? Kids I know in similar situations are very fluid by that age.

OP I don’t understand the aggro you are getting. I’ve seen a thread where a woman was attacked for criticising her ex for leaving their DC with his mother when she said she should have the children instead. “It’s his time to use as he wants” was the general vibe.

Presumably there was a reason why the court set up the current visitation arrangements due to his lack of availability. Has that changed at all? I think it’s risky getting into a pattern that he then could use in court later to push for more time than you are comfortable with and you shouldn’t informally go against the court arrangements for this reason.

And I can’t see a court would have an issue with grandma occasionally babysitting? They’re allowed to spend time to bond with their grandma. It’s your side of the family

Since you're unwilling to compromise or revisit an 8 year old custody agreement, be prepared to go to court. You're being unreasonable both in not asking your kids if they'd like to be at dad's and revisiting what's not working. I think your hard stance is going to work against you because here you've got a dad who wants more time with his kids when you're unavailable. That's in their best interests.

They're also at the age where their preferences will be considered.