Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

Why?? Going to court should be avoided at all costs. It's insane to advocate going to court to decide something so basic that should be obvious. It's pathetic of parents not to be able to come to sensible decisions for their children and need a judge to tell them what to do over something as minor as this.

YABU because you haven’t even bothered to talk to your teenagers about it. Presumably because their thoughts on this aren’t a priority to you.

Just send about power and control
wondering if OP is concerned about loosing some maintenance money as he’ll have them more

You clearly can't take anyone here disagreeing with you.
Your responses are very aggressive.

I think you are being unresonable.
And possibly always have been hence the court agreement on access 8 years ago- rather than working it out like grown ups.

Kids usually go to a parent rather than a grandparent unless there are reasons why not to- ie abuse, health, not a suitable home etc.

I don't think a court order 8 years ago is the same as it might be now given they are teens.

Things change.

They may choose where to go but there's no reason why they shouldn't be able to see more of their dad if that is what he and they want.
You're lucky he's a good caring dad and wants to see more of them.

He is challenging it, and you have the opportunity to not end up with court action by discussing it and flexing it to suit you, like adults.

The kids are very different ages to 8 years ago when you put the agreement in place. Presumably yours and his circumstances have moved on at least a bit since then.

Why are you so against is? Because the way you've positioned it, it very much sounds like you just don't want him to be any more involved than he currently is?

Your kids are old enough to decide. You have the most time with them, why dog-in-a-manger?

Is there some back story? Was he cruel or abusive? Why don't you want them to be with their dad?

I can only assume that your motivation is to not see a reduction in CMS payments. Your kids aren’t a possession you lend out. If you’re not around, it makes complete sense for them to see their dad sometimes. Even if they love their nan too.

@SumUp I have read on previous threads that it is no business of the mother if the fathers girlfriend looks after the children, or he uses paid childcare when it is his turn to care for the child. His time is his time. What is different? Is it because the OP is a woman?

The very obvious difference is the age of the children in this case. If they had of been younger, such as when this court order was first done, then I would expect most people to be in absolute agreement with OP, however as this case is teenagers it’s just not the same.

Given the kids ages and the fact the cao is 8 years old you must understand things can change. Surely a compromise can be made? It’s great the kids are close to their gran. Likewise it’s great their dad wants more of them. Maybe sometimes 1 dc can go to gran and the other to their dad for 1:1 time? Maybe sometimes they can choose? Do they feel able to speak up if they would prefer to see their dad sometimes or would they be worried about your reaction?
I think a lot of kids don’t have a gran and a dad wanting to see them let alone more of them so I’d be all for encouraging it. It certainly gives you more flexibility. Depending on what the dad does now he can also take on more responsibilities for the dc if he has them more e.g dentist, haircuts, uniform shopping etc which is a fabulous example to set to both kids.

You have a real opportunity here to set an example of what successful drama free go parenting can look like should they find themselves in the same position in the future. It’s not about winning/losing or money. It’s about kids growing up happy, wanted, knowing they can be honest with both parents and not being pulled in 2 different directions.

I don’t blame him. He wants to see his kids more and you’re blocking him ‘because court order’. If the original order was 8 years ago then he’s right - a lot has changed and the children are older. You sound completely focused on your need to stick it to your ex rather than do what’s best for your children.

If he’s threatening court action I would try to come to some sort of agreement with him and your children about extra time. If this goes to court the children will be deemed old enough to be involved in the decision and will be asked what they want themselves. Why would you want to put them through that when you could sort it out between yourselves ? And if he has a loving relationship with the children and is a good dad, then what’s your objection ?

What situation are we talking about? Going to do the food shop? At their ages they are old enough to be left but handy that nan is next door.
Going away for a few days? Ideal chance for him to spend more time with them.

Given her appalling attitude both in her OP and the way she has responded to people (and avoided pertinent questions), she's either a troll or maybe this is the crux of it. I wonder if dad wants to split custody but she's putting money before her kids and doesn't want to do this as it will cost her.

Ridiculous.

He has as much right to see the kids as you do. I think some women think they matter more than dads.

If he’s 5 minutes away it will be easy for him to see them.

are you worried he’s going to drop child maintenance if he has them more?

Why do you prefer the DC father not to have them in these situations? I don’t understand.

I agree with PP. I would say “I am out Friday night, do you want to go to grans or shall we see if dad is available?”

Whats the harm in that? How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

What is this nonsense at their age its up to them.. no it isnt up to them, its up to mum as to what ever is the most convenient at that moment in time.

That said op, and I haven't got to your other updates but what is your issue if dads around and can have them too? It can be your mum sometimes it can be dad too. You dont need to make a rule set in stone but theres no issues if it is dad. Im assuming you have no concerns about him as you let the kids go to him every other weekend and one night in the week, but I might be wrong but I didnt get that impression from your post.

8 years is a long time it should be reviewed in my opinion. I'm sure the kids are happy with nan but im also sure they would be just as happy with a few more dad days. They likely haven't asked as dont know it's an option and are in a routine for 8 years. Id just say to them your dad's free xx day aswell so your going to go to his instead or he said hed like some extra time with use and see how it settles. If their Nan lives closer as you said they can see her anytime and if it's just spontaneous times she has them then it shouldn't be an issue the odd time also going to their dad's. You both sound mature enough having let enough time pass without having to go through courts.

These are children of 13 and 14 years old The first thing any court is going to do is ask them what they’d prefer. Which then puts the kids in an awkward position if they’d like to spend more time with their dad, but also don’t want to upset/offend their mum/gran. Ironically, their dad seems to be the only one actively thinking of the children by not wanting to put them in the position of having to choose. Instead, he perfectly reasonably approached OP and asked if he could have them sometimes instead of them going to their gran.

Imagine being one of these children ... ☹️

I think you’re being unnecessarily difficult. Other parent should get first refusal unless there’s some huge backstory.

But Gran is their only option. You were asked upthread what the kids would prefer, and you said they hadn’t been asked, so how do you know they wouldn’t prefer extra time with dad ?

I think more information is needed here. Time spent with grandparent is important. If you're nipping out for a couple of hours and she lives next door, that's super convenient for everyone. If they're regularly staying there for full days and/or nights, their Dad should get first refusal.

But the most important thing is asking what the kids want obviously.

What manner of madness am I reading?

No, you can't spend more time with your children. Not because you're harming them, not because they don't want to come. We have an 8 year old agreement!

I'm sure the kids love grandma, but she lives next door and can see them at any time. They can also love their dad and want to spend more time with him.

I wonder if you're not asking them, because you know they'll think you're being utterly ridiculous, @Daniella66 .

How do you know that? You’ve said yourself that you haven’t asked them!

Why would you force a confrontation in court (which will be expensive for both you and your ex) when the court will base most of its final decision by listening to the wishes of the children, now they’re 8 years older?

And why are you so rigid about the court agreement? I bet you wouldn’t be if they’d not given you the bulk of the contact time. If he’s a good dad, as you acknowledge, then why wouldn’t you prioritise contact time with him over your Mum? It doesn’t have to be ‘every’ time you’re doing something without the DC, but he should be doing the bulk of it.

Are you actually concerned the DC may decide life with more time at Dad’s is preferable?!