Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

Yanbu it obviously works for you & dc.

I read this as though he wants to be a lot more involved now than he did when you fixed it up and/or dc don’t need much work now as they’re older & either he’s a bit bored & wants their company or he’s fancying knowing the in’s & out’s of your personal life or he otherwise wants to interfere.

i would have been furious at that age to be told I was being sent to his house more & having my well-established life disrupted, my dc would be as well

there are some pretty odd replies on here @Daniella66and also if he thinks it’s not fair to ask the dc’s does he even know them very well as he seems to be treating them as though they are much younger/don’t have opinions which I’m sure they do.

The children are getting to the age where they will independently communicate with their father and won't need child care. The court agreement was made when they were young children. They aren't young children anymore.

I think courts make decisions from the perspective of children. They're not terribly interested in making things fair for parents.
Which is right. Divorce is shattering for children, court isn't mandatory, it's ended up there because 2 adults couldn't set aside their own differences and come to an agreement about what's in the best interests of a child.

Courts work objectively off precedent and stability, they're not going to encourage parents to go for an arrangement they might not be able to keep to because that's unsettling to children.

I hope neither dad's or mums go for 50/50 to 'futureproof'. Whatever the arrangement is it should be because that's objectively what's best for the children. If parents aren't able to work that out, a court will.

I do also think that this situation is an example of where parents ought to be able to flex the arrangement on their own. Why not just ask the kids each time you're due to go away- I'm away on Saturday, would you rather go to your dad's or nans? Why does it all have to be laid out in stone? But equally, demanding you have the kids every time your ex goes away isn't reasonable. No-one likes demands and maintaining a good relationship with your ex (if they are not abusive etc) is in the best interests of your child too.

Well you have children who are old enough to not really need childcare.
You have an ex who loves his children and who you seem to get along with ok ish
You have an ex who would like to see his children more
You aren't there anyway so why does it matter where they are
He is threatening court action. The court absolutely will listen to the children and he might get 50% or more - if they want it!
But you don't want to listen to the children?

I have read on previous threads that it is no business of the mother if the fathers girlfriend looks after the children, or he uses paid childcare when it is his turn to care for the child. His time is his time.

What is different? Is it because the OP is a woman?

I agree that the children will have their own opinions that should be taken into account.

Would he use it as a reason to stop maintenance payments?

He's hardly 'creating tensions' just by expressing his feelings and wishes?
You got a court order 8 years ago that obviously worked very well in your favour or at least one you are very protective of. Now 8 years later which is a lifetime for kids, he wants to have a re-jiggle, which is fair enough because things change.
The kids are older and have different needs now

Ask the kids how they feel if they had a bit of extra time with Dad than nanny. That has to be the deciding factor.
And actually the fact that their dad is reluctant to make them choose (your not, just asking their preference) says alot about him.

You are now both different people/parents than you were 8 years ago.
I think you are still looking at him as if he doesn't deserve 50% of the parental decision making.
You got yourself a lovely little arrangement and are.terrified he will want to relook at it.
But life doesn't stay the same.

YABU to not even ask your children what they want!

How do you know if you haven't discussed it with them?

Don't see a problem with it just you being awkward tbh

Or is OP possibly punishing him for leaving her?

It's a breath of fresh air that a father in this situation actually wants to be an active parent, why wouldn't he be first option? Spite? Do you think you will lose some "income" if he starts to have more regular contact?

I guarantee this has something to do with money and maintenance payments, and op not wanting to have them reduced. Way to put your children first

This was my first thought. Is he trying for 50/50 so he can stop maintenance payments?

He takes you to court and the court will ask the kids.1
So talk to the kids.
You say he is a good father so then there can't be any safety concerns. If there were i wouldn't be suggesting to ask the kids.
Save the stress for both parents and the kids being put in the middle of the court process by having a discussion.

If the children want to go to their father then that sounds perfectly reasonable. At that age they are able to make their own decisions.
Why are you being so inflexible? Is there a good reason?

If their dad lives 5 mins away surely at that age they can come and go as they please? Aside from overnight you should be stepping away from my time/his time and letting the teens lead the way with what they want.

i would ask the children as they are old enough to know at the ages they are.
I suspect you haven’t because you know they would pick their Dad and you don’t want to upset your Mum.
It’s perfectly normal to ask the other parent if there are no issues and he is a loving Fatger. He only gets a short time with them, I’m surprised he’s not already taken you back to court to alter his contact.
You have two choices, continue as you are and he will go back to court and get his consent time increased, your children are of an age where their wishes will be taken into consideration so 50/50 is quite likely with teens that want to spend time with their Dad.
Or you increase his time by asking the children if they want to go when you’re not around and allowing them to go if they wish it.
You seem to have decided on a stance that in the long term will mean your children miss out, you need to do what’s best for them, it seems quite spiteful given the information you have posted.

You say he is a good dad, so text him and if he is free too, let the kids stay with him! Or ask your children where they want to stay while you are out.

You would think. Either the OP is a smothering mother or this is a reverse.

It's weird court is even being brought up. Either parent can ask the kids and tell them they can see dad when they want now. They're not little kids.

If he goes to court for a 50/50 they will ask the teens. So why not just ask them yourself? Why are you complicating things on purpose? Ask them- they get to decide and you draw up a plan. Or he goes to court and the court will ask them.

If he goes to court for a 50/50 they will ask the teens. So why not just ask them yourself? Why are you complicating things on purpose? Ask them- they get to decide and you draw up a plan. Or he goes to court and the court will ask them.

I'm surprised so many people think you are unreasonable OP. I am sure lots of people don't want to be telling their ex everytime they decide to go out. I would look at increasing his time with them though if he keeps pressing, but make sure its still a regular timetable.

Has he ever asked for increased time with them before or has this arrangement been in place for the entire 8 years, since they were 5 and 6? Bit easier now isn’t it, for him now they’re not little kids.
My ex briefly did this but it was to monitor when I was going out.

I would give the kids the option unless he has ulterior motives and you don’t want him knowing your movements.

Those threads are normally framed from the perspective of
-I (the mother) don't want the girl friend to look after my children
-Dad only has the children EOW (or other time that is way less than 50/50) and it's ridiculous that he can't even be bothered to spend the time with them

Neither of which apply here. Dad isn't saying that Granny can't look after the children, just that he'd quite like to instead.