Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

I think he should be allowed extra time with the kids where possible. Situations change... and a court order 8 years ago, was to suit the situation at the time.

I think you should ask your kids even though he said not to
Why does he not want you to ask them ?

If he went back to court would he just do it without asking them if they want extra time with him ?
If so hes not giving them a choice without having to say what they want at court.

Out of interest
What is your relationship / commincation since coparenting like.
Do you think he wants to keep tabs on you ie what your doing / going
( even though he could just ask the kids ad hoc) or do you think he does genuinely want to see them more.

Is this about money / maintenence for any of you.

Your ex is right, you’re wrong.

At a minimum you should ask your children what they prefer.

Lucky children having so many adults who want them. Maybe ask your mother if she’d prefer their Dad had them.

At 16, court orders are no longer legally binding so in less than two years, your eldest could decide to move in completely with their Dad and your youngest could do so the following year.

At this point, I’d be flexible @Daniella66, They don’t need babysitting unless it’s overnight and they may prefer to go to their Dad’s. He sounds like a decent Dad and they’ll be fine. I don’t really understand why you don’t want them to spend more time with him.

Ultimately, if Dad wanted more time, he would ask for a formal change to his current schedule!

You seem to think that's some kind of gotcha. He IS going to ask for a formal change to his current schedule!

What the fuck did you think the OP meant when she said "He's threatening court action"?!

Jeez.

I think that each parent is responsible for organising childcare on "their" time. However, all this means is that you don't assume the other parent is available.

I also think the other parent should get first refusal.

That's pretty much what OP has told us what's going on.

She's had plenty of opportunity to set the record straight if everyone's barking up the wrong tree.

When asked what the kids think about their options she just said "I haven't asked them" without any mitigating information whatsoever.

Its perfectly fine for the other parent to expect "first refusal" and go to court for that. The court will, unless there are serious issues, grant it. Your ex is right, things have changed.

So yes YABU. There was another thread recently on this subject and the mother was encouraged to go to court because the ex wanted the kids to go to his elderly and dementia suffering parents rather than stay with their mother when he was away.

Yep. The kids havent been asked because she doesnt want to know that they would prefer to be with dad if they can be. She would prefer to stick with "They love their nanna" and keep dad away.

I think the first thing a court would do is ask the children. So maybe do that yourself and see what they say?

This thread shows why it is so important for the Courts to encourage Dads to aim for 50/50 in terms of childcare after divorce or separation. Otherwise they stand the risk that they will be treated as a secondary not primary parent by some mothers. I do hope posters involved in family courts read this thread to get some idea what life can be like for these Dads.

I'd say it's up to the children. They are not little ones now.

I think it depends on length of time that you are not available (I realise that there is currently an agreement in place) and whether you think he is doing it to try to exert control over what you do (e.g if you were going on a date and him having the children would cause more problems for you in terms of organising this)

wonder why he hasn’t asked them what they would prefer to do himself

YABU ask your kids what they want.

Nothing the OP says suggests that he hasnt, just that she hasnt.

OP says that “Anyway he says it wouldnt be fair putting them in a position asking them to choose” so seems to suggest that he hasn’t asked

There’s often more to be said in these situations- could be that neither parent is actually solely with the children in mind
OP doesn’t seem to acknowledge that they will soon be old enough to vote with their feet

@Daniella66 if he wants to change the agreement he can go back to court surely. Meanwhile, as you say, it’s not up to him to give any thought to what goes on in your time, unless the kids are at risk (clearly not).

I imagine you are getting these responses as the kids are 13/14yo. It would have been very different, with the majority of people agreeing with you if kids were 5/6yo. At this age though, it should be immaterial what you want, and immaterial what their dad wants and should solely rest on what they want with zero coercion.

It's a bit bizarre that he's threatening court action but at the same time saying it wouldn't be fair to ask the kids what they'd prefer. Because at their age that's exactly what the court will do.

He is their father. It's completely normal that he wants to spend more time with them if he can. Because he's their father (and yes, that trumps your mother).

Your kids should be able to decide what they want to do. And frankly, at their age, things should be far more flexible. You sound very controlling.

At that age they can just stay home alone presumably, with knowledge gran is next door if needed. If they are happy sitting in grans or she pops over then I think that’s fine. But sounds like he wants to see more of his kids. They are old enough now to decide how much time they want to spend at each home. Are you blocking more contact? Sounds like it. Your DC could surely walk over and see dad a couple of evenings per week, or are they told they cannot do this?

He is challenging, with you. Why are you making him go to court for access to kids of that age? The court will ask for the opinions of the kids. I’d imagine they haven’t been consulted. You need to take a step back and forget any past court battles or issues with your ex and ask your DC if they are happy with current arrangements or if they’d like more time with dad. Making him go to court is crazy and no doubt is because you don’t want to make things easy for him. The DC deserves to set the terms now, not the courts.