Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

149 replies

Dotlnew · 12/02/2026 20:02

My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:42

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:41

No excuse? Both his parents failed him. His dad abused his mum so badly that he went to prison and then his mum sent him off to stay with the abuser 'because he didn't abuse him'
This is still a child and he still needs parenting. Who else is supposed to do it if not his mother?

But the mother is at the end of her tether with him? Is she supposed to put up with this until he leaves home?

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:42

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:40

Shared house? My DB left home at 15 went to live in a shared house.

What year was that??
There are no shared houses for 16 year olds in 2026. He can't legally hold a tenancy for one thing. He isn't old enough to work full time and meet affordability criteria for another. There is a housing crisis if you didn't notice, not that any 16 year old should be pushed into living independently anyway

Elsvieta · 13/02/2026 09:43

I think you're justified in sending him back to his father. Younger kids need their own rooms, and to not have this sort of example set.

In less than two years he'll be an adult - maybe think about how you can help him then. What's the plan in terms of education, work etc? Will he be earning and in a position to get a bedsit / flat share? Would you be in a position to help financially with that? Focus on what happens in a couple of years.

Sometimes not getting on with parents is what motivates kids to work hard and get their own place etc. Maybe that's what he needs.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:44

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:42

What year was that??
There are no shared houses for 16 year olds in 2026. He can't legally hold a tenancy for one thing. He isn't old enough to work full time and meet affordability criteria for another. There is a housing crisis if you didn't notice, not that any 16 year old should be pushed into living independently anyway

Admittedly it was a long time ago and he was taken in by his employers (guitar workshop). OP if she could afford it could pay a month’s rent and deposit for him, he’d have to get a job though. Other people I know have done this for older men.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:44

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:42

But the mother is at the end of her tether with him? Is she supposed to put up with this until he leaves home?

She's supposed to parent him. Who else is supposed to do it if not her?
It's not victim blaming to point out that her actions by letting him have contact with his father have contributed to the harm he has experienced. She needs to try to repair some of that damage. Who else should be doing it?

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:46

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:44

Admittedly it was a long time ago and he was taken in by his employers (guitar workshop). OP if she could afford it could pay a month’s rent and deposit for him, he’d have to get a job though. Other people I know have done this for older men.

No landlord will let to a 16 year old. None. He can't legally sign a tenancy agreement, he's not legally allowed to work full time, he can't afford to pay rent. And even if any of that were possible, he's a traumatised damaged child and is not ready to live independently as an adult! He needs parenting

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:48

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:44

She's supposed to parent him. Who else is supposed to do it if not her?
It's not victim blaming to point out that her actions by letting him have contact with his father have contributed to the harm he has experienced. She needs to try to repair some of that damage. Who else should be doing it?

But OP is obviously not coping with parenting him. If this affects her marriage what will she do then? Sounds as if this young man won’t listen or not for long.

NotMysticNotPsychic · 13/02/2026 09:50

@Dotlnew This is a tough one. I'll bet you and your son also have some ND especially as all your other children too. He reminds me of someone I know who has Autism, ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities. This is exactly how he behaves but different circumstances.

There's not going to be change here especially now that he's 16. You need to let him continue to live with his dad because he can contain himself there but not at your home. In that way, his dad inadvertently makes him manage his behaviour better than you do. That's why he keeps coming back to yours - so that he'll be free to do as he pleases.

He can't do as he pleases around young children, especially when it's detrimental to them and everybody else in the gouse including himself. That is a form of neglect to your other kids.

Your family is in shambles to be honest but you need to save your last 2 kids before they get to 16. There's nothing else you can do for your 16year old - you don't have the power nor authority to even be able to do that. He'd either learn through life or not at all.

Offer him help, therapy, kindness but keep his behaviour away from the youngest kids and focus on raising them in a healthy home.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 09:53

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:48

But OP is obviously not coping with parenting him. If this affects her marriage what will she do then? Sounds as if this young man won’t listen or not for long.

Parents don't just get to give up on parenting because it's hard. She needs to seek help. Contact early help, ask for a key worker, referrals to parenting support, non violent resistance, child to parent violence support etc
not just give up

oviraptor21 · 13/02/2026 09:54

Are you sure your ex isn't abusing your son to controller him?

I would involve social services.

NewHere83 · 13/02/2026 09:59

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:42

But the mother is at the end of her tether with him? Is she supposed to put up with this until he leaves home?

No, but she seems to think the 2 options are to allow him to behave however he wants or to throw him out to live with a criminal. Learning to parent him effectively and sticking with him through this will actually benefit her younger children in the skills she will learn.

VioletBees · 13/02/2026 10:25

Economicsday · 13/02/2026 09:02

I wouldn't have this violent thug around your younger children.
Do not allow him to return.
He is violent, no excuse for his shocking behaviour.
He needs to learn behaviour has consequences.

So you'd have your child on the street? Or back with the gypsy man that went to prison for beating you?

No - you wouldn't. You're chatting shit on the Internet.

C152 · 13/02/2026 10:58

It sounds like your ex is still trying to control you through his comments and the remarks he makes to your DS about you. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do other than try not to let it get to you.

You say your son doesn't want to live with his dad anymore because his dad refuses to put up with his crap. What does his dad do differently to enforce rules? I know you said in your original post that you try asking your son to behave, you've tried shouting, you've tried pubishments like turning the wifi off, but none of it works. However, you also sound like you're pussy footing around, allowing him to sleep in the lounge until 11am, forcing your younger children to stay in the kitchen for breakfast, so they don't wake him. He brings vapes and weed in the house and instead of throwing them out as soon as you see them, you just ask him to clean them up and not leave them lying around. It really does sound like you need firm actions to support your words. Strict rules, that are always enforced and never change. And don't feel guilty asking him to leave. If he brings vapes in the house, you throw them out. If he smokes weed in the house, you ask him to put it out and throw any remaining stuff away or he can choose to leave. He starts swearing at you, you calmy and firmly state that you don't speak to each other like that in your house and when he wants to talk, you'll be there to listen; if he doesn't like it, he can leave. Being strict doesn't mean you don't love him. (FWIW, he can't use his father as an excuse for his behaviour. Presumably you set a good example for him from the age of 2-12, when he lived with you.)

Spanglemum02 · 13/02/2026 11:07

OP i do think you have to have very firm boundaries for your oldest son's sake and your younger children. You son has suffered trauma and his father is from a different culture that sees the role of women and also education in a different way.

I would have him for a weekend. Firm boundaries and you and your husband are in charge. What his Dad says and does is not relevant. If he can stick to the rules he can come back next week

Your son needs to understand and follow the rules. Any vapes left lying around get binned for example

I have to say, it may be too late. Do you still have social services involvement?

Spanglemum02 · 13/02/2026 11:14

Might he br autistic also,? I only ask because my DD and cant cope with being told 'no'.

Waterbaby41 · 13/02/2026 11:28

Just send him back to his Dad. You do not have to put up with this shit show. What do you think your two younger children are learning from this? Do you want them to be the same?

ShawnaMacallister · 13/02/2026 11:30

Waterbaby41 · 13/02/2026 11:28

Just send him back to his Dad. You do not have to put up with this shit show. What do you think your two younger children are learning from this? Do you want them to be the same?

The 'shit show' is her own son, and he's still a child. Who else should 'put up' with him than his own parent?

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/02/2026 11:30

His dad just won’t put up with his crap so he wants to be here

that says it all. You need to be the same. To not put up with his crap

you have 2 younger kid to protect

maybe a night on the streets /a friends sofa if has any will make his reliese what he has to lose

catipuss · 13/02/2026 11:51

He's playing you like a violin. And I'm afraid he's just like his dad. Tell him he has to go, he won't obey the rules and he's wrecking your family life, you may love him but it's not working. He can go back to his dad's or get a job and get his own place, he can't live with you any more. If he gets nasty call the police, it won't be long until he resorts to physical violence to get his way. Since he's been back you have been a soft touch (for all the right reasons) but he has just taken advantage time to play hard ball.

Rainbow1901 · 13/02/2026 12:04

There comes a point in life when irrespective of counselling and accessing help from various departments whether it is for you yourself or son - that you have to take a stand and say NO!
Some things cannot be fixed and some can be fixed but if that means your son is allowed to continue his behaviour by bouncing between his Dad's home and yours with neither of you making him accountable for his behaviour and actions then things will never change.
It is obvious that both you, your husband and your ex are unable to to set boundaries without your son kicking off. It may all be sweetness and light when things are going his way and he is happy but as soon as you say no - he kicks off. You have set rules in the past and your son constantly abuses them - you have to say this is the last time and stick to it.
If he eventually is left homeless or sofa surfing - he will realise how good he actually had it and that could be the thing that makes him change. Change comes from within - not from counselling, do gooders, and other people who talk at him and not to him. It's when you actually realise Duh! I'm the twat here and make the changes necessary.
Your life sounds incredibly fraught and that needs to change. So next time your son goes back to his Dad - change the other kids rooms back - don't make room for him. Feed him a meal by all means and then send him back to his Dads. Let him be part of your life but on your terms only. He can visit but he cannot live with you - make the changes that will give you peace of mind. Change the wifi password, don't give him money or do his laundry and implement the things that reinforce that he is a 'visitor' - a welcome one (for a few hours only) that will also leave him in no doubt that he has abused your home many times too often. Don't cater for him separately - he eats with you or has a piece of toast or a sandwich. The changes have to be made by everyone who has contact with your son before things settle down into something that you can all live with.

SunMoonandChocolate · 13/02/2026 12:06

OP, you don't appear to have made any comment as to how your husband feels about all this, why does he appear not to be involved?

What is your husband's opinion on your son's behaviour?

Have you told him that he's not allowed to do anything to sort him out because he's not your son's father?

Has he said he doesn't feel he should step in because he's not your son's father?

Or, has your son said 'you can't tell. me what to do, you're not my Dad?

The fact is, that your husband is the only person physically strong enough (presumably) to deal with your son, I'm not advocating violence, but boys of that age are quite often bigger than their mothers, and feel able to intimidate a woman in a way that they cannot with another man.

In my opinion, you need to speak to your husband, tell him that you want him to act as a father figure to your son, and that you want to work out together the best way to handle him while he is in your care. You should make the rules between you, so that your husband feels involved, and in my opinion the rules should NOT allow your son to vape or smoke weed. Your husband should deal with the age old 'you're not my Dad, you can't tell me what to do', by saying 'no, I'm not your Dad, but I am your Mother's husband, and while you're living in our home, you will do what your Mother and I tell you to do.

Has your husband ever sat down with your son and really talked to him, or does he just leave it all to you, because, a) He thinks he's your son, so your problem?b) Because he's another lazy father who can't be arsed to parent a child even though he's willing to give him a roof over his head? c) He's afraid that his father will seek him out and be violent toward him because he doesn't think he should have any say in how HIS son is raised? Or d) some other reason that I haven't thought of?

Unfortunately I had a traumatised teenage to deal with after a marriage break up, and the difficulties that followed, but that was years ago, when there really was no help for parents, and you had to find your own way through. I made a real mess of it, and have many regrets, which is why I feel for you. However, these days there is a lot of advice available to you by way of the internet, if you're prepared to read it, and fully immerse yourself in trying to help your son. For example, have you looked at this: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/teen-aggression-and-arguments/

Obviously having made my own mistakes I know that it's not as simple as reading a few lines of text, and all will be well, but if you truly love your son, and want to help him become a decent man, then you can't just abandon him to his father.

I think that one of the things that I would determine, is where he actually wants to live, and then tell him that he either lives with you on a full time basis, or he lives with his father, but there is no more of this a few days here and a few days there, and once he's made his decision he has to stick with it. Obviously he can still visit the other parent but there are to be no overnights, and he cannot expect the parent he choses not to live with, to keep a room for his sole use. So if he choses to live with you, and runs off to his Dads, then you will no longer be providing a roof over his head, and he will be stuck with his Dad until he is financially capable of paying for his own home, BUT here is the important bit, you have to MEAN IT, and STICK WITH IT yourself.

If he choses to live with you, then you should go ahead and start work on building the extension you mentioned, to show him that you are committed to him living with you, and that you WANT him with you. He definitely needs a place of his own at your house if he choses to live with you.

Then commit to doing whatever it takes to help him sort his life out.

nhs.uk

Teen aggression and arguments

Advice on how to cope with heated arguments with your teenager, and what to do if they become violent.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/teen-aggression-and-arguments

Pinkday · 13/02/2026 12:38

Yes I would 100% agree with you if he was 21 or 20.
But 16...no .
He's still your child ,he needs to be home with you
Parenting teenagers is very difficult,they all are difficult in different ways .
Many are just like your son at the same age ,and not letting them live at home is not a punishment for bad behaviour,
it's abusive
I could tell you some stories of my eldest son ..he's autistic,and was violent to us for years and at the same time as I had a baby ..but I had to deal with it ,I had to manage him.there was no option to not let him live at home .
What happens when your autistic sons are the same age ,and doing the same things as him ...you going to not let them live at home as well ?
Is he sitting exams ,is he in school .. contact the school for help ,for parenting courses to help you cope .

Wordsmithery · 13/02/2026 14:02

Poor boy. Lived with a horrible excuse for a father while you moved on. You live in a house too small for him to have a bedroom of his own because you've now had a second family. He's been allowed to be undisciplined and wild at his father's for years.
He sounds deeply traumatised and you need professional help as a family. PP suggested calling the police whenever he acts out and that's not a bad idea. Otherwise try social services to see what support there is for you all.

NotMysticNotPsychic · 13/02/2026 14:34

There will be no support from social services besides moving him out into maybe supported living if he qualifies. Otherwise they'd definitely want to protect the younger kids and either ask for him to stay with his dad or if the kids can't be protected, they'll have to be taken to a "safer" place to live away from their violent troubled brother.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread