My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

[Dotlnew]

My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

Thankyou and I'm sorry you've experienced the same...and this is exactly what my head is telling me is right to do...open arms with normal human boundaries...and it hasn't worked...so now I have to say no...and my heart is saying take it all...he's your son...your responsibility forever for good and bad...but the implement on everyone else is awful...my younger children have no idea of violence abuse and mental health issues I'm going through thankfully but also it's imminently going to be exposed if this carries on...i feel it's say no to 1 child to save 2 children and the guilt and maternal instinct is saying die for your child...let them back always...be the mum!!And I can't do it all...i can't keep everyone happy...From an arms length with my 16 year old at his dad's most of the week i can be the safe space maybe?The one to turn too
..i don't know...he knows i feel im failing him and give him what he wants to compensate for what he's been through at 2 years old having a broken family...and part of me sees he's manipulating that and has many genetic and environmental traits of his dad...it's never about me...if I was a mother with no children other than him I'd take it all...Never say no...but i have 2 innocent children with no experience or knowledge of the dark life I lived long ago...and i don't want my 16 year old to be ostracised because of that...and he never has been...it's only his own behaviour which he knows he's doing and in anger he uses his dad and my fears against me...i can't live that way

He’s an abusive young boy because of his upbringing. He’s a product of it due to the things he has witnessed and how he behaves is learned behaviour.

how you deal with him I dont know but I have sympathy for him due to what he has been through

Because kids like boundaries whether they realise that or not. He’s almost certainly got some trauma from his upbringing - OP is traumatised too but the difference is she is the parent and he is the son. Sounds like he needs a ton of love and support from a secure adult.

He has lived with a known abusive male in his formative years. He has learned that grown men behave like this and brought it back to your home. Your younger children will now learn from him. You need to move him out before he treats you like his dad does.

I did tell him...and that was used against me...his dad told him I was trying to keep him away from his dad...hevwas too young to be told about the abuse...and the things I told him and have said on this post is the LAST assault...the abuse was horrific...social services proson and probation were all involved and contact was through his mother and then they accepted he was trusted alone...and it spiralled from there...i went to court twice with concerns of his emotional influence and he wasn't seen as a danger...and warned woth small advice...i went to mediation with his dad and the mediator even was shocked how her manipulated the conversations...i can't explain how he makes a black look white but he does...So I wanted to let him make his choices and hopefully it would be differant...with continuous positive and arms out from me...it wasn't easy and isn't easy to get the words or truth out against his dad...it still isn't bow even though my son is seeing his dads behaviour...he still has a hold

I know this seems harsh OP but I can’t help but agree

you absolutely deserve to be happy now, of course you do but you had more autonomy in that situation than your kids did. I can’t imagine what a head fuck this has all been for him

boundaries are crucial, especially in this situation. My mum parented me in a similar way to how you are and as an adult I don’t thank her for it. It might feel like letting him smoke weed etc is you being nice but it’s really not. Teenagers aren’t supposed to always like how we parent them now, but they’ll understand when they’re older

are you able to access counselling with him? He needs every bit of love, support and help he can get. I know you have other children but it’s not one in one out, they’re all your children that will always need you in various ways

My brother did this - moved in with my father and swiftly moved back home once he realised he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be.

I don’t know the solution, but personally I’m never on the side of kicking teenagers out especially when it will push them further into destructive situations. However it also doesn’t seem like he has the appropriate space/environment available? Your wording (and apologies if I’m completely wrong) kinda makes it sound like he’s an outlier (ie you said “our” family home, but surely it’s his family home too?).

Maybe a very, very serious conversation is needed and depending on what he says/agrees, boundaries to be reinforced every single time. It will probably end up with him moving out but at least there was a starting point.

I agree with you...i just don't know what I have to show love and consequence..he just says no!Point blank no.Its say no...and he hates me and i don't see him...or allow small things I can handle like mess and smoking weed and curfews being broken...or say get out and he won't see me anymore...at 16 he has the choice to delete me if I'm not what he likes...because he has another home to run too that will run me down and endorse that he shouldn't see me.I don't have the option of respect me or dont...its don't respect me...you can runaway to your dad's and be commended...and run back here when you dont like him...My rules...my love...my support are disposable to him.

He never had a chance really.

We've always had a 3 bed and my 3 boys shared 1 room...4 children...18 year old has moved out...13 year old (now 16 year old we are discussing) moved in with dad at 13...so we separated our 2 children son & daughter into own rooms for the last 3 years
16 year old asked to move back in October.we said yes.
.no questions...made him his own room...he done all of the above behaviours so in the end we asked him to go back to his dad's as a consequence
He's living with dad now...and has his own room there but doesn't like the rules there (clearly because he can get away with whatever here) so we are now struggling to say yes to him coming back and move the kids back into a room together...he spends weekends here on the sofa atm and STILL displays the same behaviour..
.so we don't want to commit to a room change and the children are autistic and housing wise are supposed to be in separate rooms for their needs....the housing won't move us as he is 16 and lives with dad and has a room there...no abuse or safeguarding....so do we again uproot the younger 2...when he wants to come here to live after all this behaviour that hasn't changed is my post question...we told him my husband will make him an extention on the house if he goes to school gets a job...respects his dads rules and sticks to mon-thurs at his dad's fri to sun here....is hasn't happened yet!...and he is texting after every row with his dad "i can't live here it's shit" and i HATE saying no...he can't live here

and i HATE saying no

For his own good OP, you are just going to have to. It is hard but, respectfully, it’s part of your job as a parent. You simply must play your role in setting boundaries and sticking to them

he Doesn’t have more freedom at his dad. He leaves because he said his dad is always telling him no. He is trying it on to see what he can get away with.

Me too...I've given open arms when he wanted to come home...no questions...no other child's needs were put first..just him...and this was what happened...the above behaviours...which was why we said he has to move back to his dad's...and it wasn't a once and done...it was a punch in the wall forgiven...abusive language directed at me...forgiven...curfews broken and friends turning up to stay at midnight...forgiven...weed smoked...forgiven.school calling due to vapes and weed being found...bunking school and spending bus and lunch money we provided on weed...forgiven..it wasnt easy to say your better at your dad's who can be strict and control you more than me for your best interests

I'm sorry to say this as you've obviously had a terrible time, but you need to take some accountability for the mess your son is in now. You say that you know your ex is a terrible role model but you also say that you encouraged contact and supported your son moving in with him when he wanted to. Your son needed parenting from you, and while it's totally understandable that you weren't able to effectively parent at a point in time, I struggle to understand why people are so ready to advocate cutting him out and just focussing on your younger children when he clearly still needs proper parenting now.

@ScrollingLeaves

they have compulsory random drug testing and have to do as they are told. It does give structure and discipline to many who have had a rough start to life but he would actually need to want to change.

Well, he’s spent the last five years living with an abuser and a criminal, so it’s not really a surprise that he’s not good at adapting to a normal family home. I think you need to be a forgiving as possible, and as loving as possible, whole making it clear that you will protect your younger children at all costs.

He’s 16 and malliable to addiction. You already harmed him by not pulling him into the right side at the first instance of smoking/bad behaviours.

He's been given all the parenting support and love I've given my younger children...they just haven't had the influence he has by another parent.....Social services and probation worked with us and agreed contact...I was 19...no family support...And I did and do my best.I know my son needs me and I'm here...im here no matter what...he wanted to move...I said yes after many years and much heartache and saving no...He wanted to move back in a few months ago...I said yes and uprooted and redecorated my 2 small children's rooms no questions...

ive given my all and still am...he is here atm fri to Sunday after all the stuff gone on...ive accessed councilling...court orders and faced my abuser in mediation over these 14 years to make sure my son isn't coercively controlled or brainwashed...he idolised his dad...that's the difference...he wanted and pleaded and believed his dad was amazing...My feelings were NEVER first and arent now...I stood in football pitches week after week with a man who sexually emotionally and physically abused me for years so my son saw me there!...Im a mum to more than one and I am neglecting and exposing a 6 & 9 year old to abusive and violent behaviour because I LOVE my child...my son...And he is my priority when he is in need.Its a question of how far do I go...how much do I accept...and how much do my 2 young children see and hear before I have to say you need to be with your father if you choose to abuse me in my home around your siblings...

I've accessed therapies...ive be in touch with g.ps and his school while being told NOT to...by my son and his father...and accused of "reading too many books" when I say my son needs help and to process and learn and recover from any trauma he holds now...even accused of having munchhausens syndrome when I said he is traumatised...im AGAINST the grain with a man who is all powerful...and all consuming with my son...a son who atv16 has autonomy to be with whichever parent he chooses...when other poster are saying i have autonomy?!I DONT...I have to do whatever my son wants at the hands of his dads suggestions
.

He needs his own room so he can vape and smoke weed there and not leave his mess all over your living room. He needs a contained space.

I'm sorry but you seem to be conflating saying yes with effective parenting. And of course your feelings never came first - he's the child, you're the parent.

Agreed. I have DSs 25 and 18. There is no way that I would tolerate any of this, no vaping, no weed, no aggression.

Tell him straight: you have repeatedly behaved badly in my house and there are small children here who you are putting at risk.

You are sacrificing your younger children to keep your older son happy. And he's not happy anyway.
Living with an abuser (your son) is a form of abuse for your younger children, even if he doesn't direct his abuse at them.
They are watching their mother be abused (again) in their own home. So they'll grow up thinking nowhere is safe, and being abusive themselves.

I have no advice for how to deal with your older son, you've got plenty on this thread. I do have advice for how to save your younger children - kick the drug smoking abuser out.

You let him live with an abuser when he was too young to understand consequences because it was easier for you really and you want to move on with you new family. Your chickens have come back to roost and you need to deal with it. Family therapy, therapy for yourself and for him.

Instead sacrifice the older one that’s already been messed up and go about your life? “Kick the drug smoking abuser out” and then what? He’s stuck with abusive violent dad? Or if he doesn’t like that fuck if he can just be homeless, he’s 16 after all

I’m absolutely amazed at how cold people can be about a child who is understandably not ok. He’s the same age as my daughter, not a fucking chance would I dump her at the hardest point in her life. If people genuinely think this ok they shouldn’t have kids

I don’t have the answers and I feel for everyone in this situation but you don’t just dump a human like that