My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

[Dotlnew]

My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

Also just to add...those are all things negative about my son...I hate to say them outloud...I know he hasn't had a great role model...or great start...he is kind...he is funny...he is loyal (albeit to the wrong people at times in my eye) he loves his siblings...I love him and have a deep and connected bond despite the 3 years of disconnect and coercive control and brainwashing his dad has put between us

This is not what all teens do and I think you need to get a grip.

Lay out clearly what he can and cant do in your house and tell him he is very welcome. But he only gets one more chance.

He breaks the rules / raises his voice to you - he’s out.

The bit I don't understand is if he gets on well with his dad and has more freedom, why is he begging to come back to yours? That's the thing that would worry me about saying no.

You've suffered a lot

It's time to reclaim your life for yourself

and your younger children

you deserve a safe, healthy, peaceful life

I wonder this too.

He needs to join the army.

Thankyou for you reply...What do I do in moments when he is here...and i say to him for example "i asked you not to have vapes in the house" "i asked you not to eat on the sofa at night and on the table please" "i asked you to wash your bowls as you use them please" "i asked you not to break curfew" (it's 9.30pm on a school day 10.30pm on a weekend) and then he will say he's staying out...I agree...then at 11
30 he says its cancelled and comes home and asks for food?!...I don't want to say no to feeding him...but feel thats a life lesson that he wasn't here for meal times...he has ready meals I've bought to try and lessen his rules and timings in that sense so he is more adult and not constricted to our meal times?...He will just say..."yh sorry" then the next morning...biscuit packets...special wine glasses full of milk...vapes and rubbish all over the front room...how can I say that's it...your out?!...That's it...no WiFi!He will KICK OFF!I don't want this.
.I'm making such small rules that my husband and I would accept woth how we raise our younger two children...but having this split family dynamic...my extra sensitive controlling ways due to the prior abuse and chaos
..I honestly feel like I can't do this...I can't be a good mother...And when I asked him to leave after the first time he moved back in...he hated me and said his dad told him I would do this...im caught between being boundaried and a parent...and being a scared little child letting my teen be a man in my family home and abusing it

Does his older brother live with you? Does he have a positive influence over him and help him see his behaviour is unacceptable

I hate the performative punching of walls. "Look how angry and hard I am. Are you scared?" Prick. Kick him out.

It's not about you @Dotlnew - it's about your 2 younger children who need to be protected from their older brother. Tell him that since he hasn't respected the rules he needs to live with his dad.

Also..I've got a 16 y old at home. He has never smoked weed and if he did it would be a huge thing for me: think confiscating phone. Never would I tell him it's OK if he does it in the garden. You are way too relaxed about this!

I had similar issues with my child from ages 13-17 , we were referred for MST therapy, it was extremely tough but it worked. https://foundations.org.uk/toolkit/guidebook/multisystemic-therapy/#:~:text=Model%20description,and%20agree%20goals%20for%20treatment.

My oldest son has a learning disability and mental health issues and lives in a supported living home through his own needs & his choice now he is 18..he has never been able to be an older brother or role model unfortunately and not his own fault.My 16 year old has his father only as a role model.

To add about the MST therapy, if your son comes to live with you- decide on a punishment for each unwanted behaviour and stick to it, for me it sometimes meant that I called the police. It's a very regimented form of tough love and was exhausting but it did work.

I appreciate this response because it validates how unrelaxed I am about it...and how wrong I feel it all is...I have asked for his phone as a consequence and he tells me to fuck off...he bought it...so all I can do is take whats mine...which is my WiFi and he proceeded at 8am in the morning to walk around the house calling me a fucking loser and treating to knock his dad out if I told his dad to collect him...called me an embassies and what parents don't allow WiFi?I'm a shit mother and do nothing for him...both my children heard this...my husband couldnt do anything...all that's left is physically grabbing his phone etc...Im no shrinking violet...but with my children I don't know how to deal with being told flat out NO!WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???...Well honestly what am I going to do?Starve him?Not allow him to bath or turn the t.v off?I said no to any money or WiFi and the house was on edge him playing around blaring trap music off his phone...bathing for 45 mins singing loudly to swearing drill music...making drinks obnoxiously when he didn't even want one...Calling us fucking losers and going to the WiFi box and turning it back on...we went with no t.v or devices for the younger kids turning it off to begin with...we could parent so much better if my husband and I were able too...he cant do a thing as he isnt his son and his dad is a maniac...if his son was treating me that way he knows how to lay down the law...that's why we felt he just can't be here like this.

This is absolutely not what all teens do. I have 4 children. All boys. The eldest three are now 22, 19 & 17 and not one of them have or would behave in such a manner.
If he was mine, he'd be out. Social services would be rang and he would be in there hands. His dad created this monster & it will take the help of professionals to rectify what he's done. He won't pay a blind bit of notice to you, why would he? Everytime he says he will abide by your rules, he doesn't, he still gets to live with you - you even let him smoke weed in the garden ARE YOU MAD!!???

This sounds really really difficult. Ultimately, you need to keep your younger children happy and safe. Your 16 year old is making bad choices. Has he got a job or does he go to school? Can he live with grandparents? Can he go back to his dads? I know you don’t want to say he can’t stay because he’s obviously your son and your responsibility, but you are enabling his shitty behaviour by just letting him get away with it. If it were me, I would probably say he needs to live with his dad but can come to yours 1-2 nights a week. It’s not fair for your younger two to be made to share, can he sleep on the sofa? Can you create another space for him… dinning room; or build an insulated summer house in your garden? I think you need to set strict ground rules and if he breaks them then he can’t stay.

Thankyou my mum said the same...his dad said I'm abandoning him and he knew I couldn't be a good mum?Even though I raised him until he was 13...I can be a good mum...I can't handle an abusive young man or man in my home without a man being able to help...and be on my side...and I think my son knows this...which makes it hard.

Get that obnoxious violent yob out of your house ASAP before he does the same to you as his dad did. I hope you read all this back and realise how dangerous this situation could become. He is beyond any help you have to offer.

I absolutely would not enable this behaviour and he would be out! I would force him back to his dad’s. He has created a monster!

This is difficult because he is a child… A fucked up child, who is probably riddled with trauma and needs a lot of help and therapy.
I don’t know what response you will get on here in regards of how to manage him because this isn’t your average 16 year old being a twat, so the usual disciplines won’t apply.
Look at it from his point of you.. You’re worried about the effects of his behaviour on your young children.. He probably resents the hell out of that idea because of all of the emotional damage done to him at the same age.
Im not trying to have a dig op but he shouldn’t have been allowed contact with his dad after what he did to you and your children.
You probably shouldn’t have moved on and remarried and had more kids without trying to fix the trauma bonds your son has with his dad.
Well done for getting away, you didn’t ask for any of this but neither did he.. Can you afford to get him private mental health support/addiction support/therapy for him and as a family?
I only ask because I’m aware that waiting on an NHS list for these services can take years, but that is where I’d start if I were you.
Have you ever sat him down and talked honestly about his past, apologies to him for what happened when he was little (it should be from his dad but I’m guessing that’s doubtful?)
Tell him you love him just as much as his siblings and that more than anything in the world you want him to change so his own future is promising.
I don’t know about the behaviour stuff but I definitely wouldn’t condone smoking weed, the damage it can do to a child’s brain is sometimes irreversible.
Sorr your going through this op, all this damage has ultimately been caused by a man who sounds like he still doesn’t care.

Would he consider counselling? I’m sure he’s dealing with some tough past and present emotions; fear, rejection, pain, anger. Having a dad in prison for abusing your mum must be very confusing for a young child and he’s now swinging between two families, not knowing where he belongs.

He needs to talk to someone. You’re in a very difficult position, have you considered asking his GP for help? With addiction service for the weed and mental health support? They often have children’s teams linked to them who can help guide him to the right services.

Sounds like he’s just a child who’s had to live in an adult world with scary stuff too early. Negative influences, bad behaviour.

@ScrollingLeaves I'm appalled that you think someone so out of control should be potentially be put in any position of authority.

You need to protect your younger children. He has a choice over how he behaves and he is showing you and his siblings zero respect or consideration.

He behaves like this, he’s out. Don’t let him manipulate and guilt trip you. He wants to be a member of the family then the swearing, loud music, punching walls, smoking and vaping in the house etc. all stops. If he doesn’t want to follow your rules, he goes back to his dad’s.

He always has his dads home...his dad just won't put up with his crap so he wants to be here...And when he's getting his way it's lovely for us all...we love him...but when he's told no...even to WiFi...it's like he's been caged and in prison and becomes abusive and aggressive...id never see him on the streets within reason of safety of course...He had a job.And flakes on it with excuses so he can be with freinds again that was another rule of living here...work & school!He only worked 2 hrs on a friday

He was expelled from school before he moved in with me and we got him a new school with a therapist...Things were good for all of 4 weeks...then the honeymoon period was over and when reality and basic rules were expected here...it was chaos for everyone...my younger 2 hate sharing a room...they are autistic one girl one boy...they weren't sleeping...meal times...noise...him refusing to go to school and us arguing at 7am...everyone was on tenderhooks...I hate it.I love him.i want to help him but he isn't even in a bad place,he can have it easy if he does simple things i ask.I turn a blind eye to bigger things that he sgould be doing because i know he wont do them..I feel he's spoilt...even his dad not giving him money or a lift he calls me and says "I'm not living here anymore all he does is say no" and as much as I hate his father for all he done to me...I feel like saying this is spoilt...get a job and be responsible if you want independence be independent and he will then just say "your the mum,its your job"

He always has his dads home...his dad just won't put up with his crap so he wants to be here...And when he's getting his way it's lovely for us all...we love him...but when he's told no...even to WiFi...it's like he's been caged and in prison and becomes abusive and aggressive...id never see him on the streets within reason of safety of course...He had a job.And flakes on it with excuses so he can be with freinds again that was another rule of living here...work & school!He only worked 2 hrs on a friday

He was expelled from school before he moved in with me and we got him a new school with a therapist...Things were good for all of 4 weeks...then the honeymoon period was over and when reality and basic rules were expected here...it was chaos for everyone...my younger 2 hate sharing a room...they are autistic one girl one boy...they weren't sleeping...meal times...noise...him refusing to go to school and us arguing at 7am...everyone was on tenderhooks...I hate it.I love him.i want to help him but he isn't even in a bad place,he can have it easy if he does simple things i ask.I turn a blind eye to bigger things that he sgould be doing because i know he wont do them..I feel he's spoilt...even his dad not giving him money or a lift he calls me and says "I'm not living here anymore all he does is say no" and as much as I hate his father for all he done to me...I feel like saying this is spoilt...get a job and be responsible if you want independence be independent and he will then just say "your the mum,its your job"

Don’t be daft, the army is going to “put him in a position of authority”! He’d either thrive in the structured environment and do really well or dick about until he got thrown out.