My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

[Dotlnew]

My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

Everyone thats saying kick him out - you are shit parents. End of. Or you're full of shit because this is an anonymous forum and you can make these outlandish claims, that you would follow through yourselves.

OP it's time to tell your son - you are NOT kicking him out. He is stuck with you - but the rules are XYZ. When he breaks those rules - he is not allowed out to meet friends. He is not allowed a phone. If he goes out to meet friends; you will get in the car and drive to drag him home. If he kicks off about a phone loss - he looses it for longer. You cant back down and give in because he gets loud.

Your DH needs to step up here and act as the authoritive male in his life. If your son is shouting at you - DH reminds him - that is NOT how you treat your mother, or a woman. Is he just shying away from all confrontation and leaving it to you?? Thats a pussy move.

If your son is sleeping in the living room - fair enough - but at 8.30am the family will be down for breakfast (on the weekend) He needs to be up and have the room tidy by 9am.

Regarding the school - be up their arse expecting every single therapy possible. Contact local charities for referrals for help for young men with mental health.

The weed and vapes I am in 2 minds about. So wont offer advice either way on these.

That is the drill sergent part.

There is another part to it - you need to connect with him. Let him choose a movie for you both to watch once little ones are in bed. Take him out for a sneaky mcflurry as a surprise/treat for having a nice calm day together. Ask him to pick the songs on the car ride. Take him bowling/out for a game of pool. Pop out together to Starbucks. All these little things teenagers will be happy to do. Hes 16 - so he is beyond a trip to the park with the family, or visiting a local farm as a reward - so you have to find these small things to bond on instead.

Are you saying social services and the court made you send him to his dad? Because initially you said you let him see him because he didn't do anything to harm him.

I could have wrote this about my teenager who's 17 almost 18 year old. He has a problem with weed and refusal to follow rules, hates authority especially from women. He would get aggressive punch walls, take peoples stuff such as presents. I have had to safe guard my two younger children and he's at his father's who was on the verge of kicking him out. I grew up with a drug addict brother who did the same and physically assaulted me. I wasn't prepared to allow them to endure what I did.

Why did you go on to have more children when you couldn’t effectively parent the ones you already had?

The point at which you let him down was when you let him go and live with a violent abuser then fill your spare bedrooms with more children so he couldn’t come back. This was always going to happen. So all you can do now is protect the younger children by not allowing him into your home.

So OP should fail him twice? Ffs hes 16 - hes not a lost cause! Time to pull out the finger, not look at the mess you've made and wash your hands!

Well yes she should because there are young children in the house that need protecting from this shit.

Is your 16 year old autistic as well? (If your oldest child has a LD and your two youngest are). Have you read about the PDA profile within autism?

Though he may well be traumatised also and the overlaps are large. What if he also has CPTSD and is acting out because he’s been experiencing emotional abuse for 3 years?

Dotlnew, I don’t have any advice for you, but I have experienced a very similar situation and wanted to give you a hand hold for this reason. You must be totally exhausted, worried for your son, your younger children, your relationship with your husband and your own mental health. The only thing I will say is, my son has recently stopped smoking weed and the difference that has made to his personality and behaviour is night and day. So maybe if you can help him see how damaging weed is to his health, as well as his family, then you will maybe get your son back again x take care and look after yourself.

This, exactly. Yes, it sounds like hard work. Parenting ant teenager, especially one who's suffered neglect and abuse, will be. But it's still your job.

You mentioned that he has good moments when you can talk reasonably with him. Could you use a moment like that to ask him how HE would paren himself? It sounds as if he’s seeking your home because it’s safe and secure but pushing it away at the same time. Like a toddler. Developmental trauma impacts on brain development and you need to work from the ‘lizard brain’ upwards so basic needs first when he starts to kick off, that isn’t the time to use reason. Movement, rhythm (like walking), maybe weighted blanket. When he is calm and regulated (not frozen) you might be able to talk about it.

EMDR has been shown very effective as a therapy.

like a toddler, maybe return to the line like “I love you but I don’t feel loving towards you when you behave like this towards me and my other children. I feel frightened and it’s confusing because you’re still my little boy- but you’re also as big and scary as a man. Help me out here.”

I think it’s fair to say that he is probably suffering cptsd so yes, whilst you do deserve peace and have also suffered trauma, you need to see his behaviour within this lens. That’s not to say you tolerate the behaviour but you need to be a solid, anchoring, boundaried presence for him now. If that means seeking help then please do so - sending him back to his abusive dad is not the answer - you have a responsibility towards your ds who is still a child.

I would really recommend NVR to help - look into courses near you.

You and your DH need to be in this together. You can’t expect him to stay out of it when it’s his home and his children living in this situation. Put on a united front and be consistent. Decide on boundaries together and implement them together, you both need to be firm.

You can’t be scared your Ds will say ‘you’re not my dad’ because he needs to respond “this is my house, my children and me and your mum are a team”.

And therapy. This is too difficult to navigate on your own at this point.

But as others have said, don’t be afraid to set rules and stick to them, because of guilt. Decide what your house rules are - zero violence (including punching walls or damaging things), zero swearing around the younger children, no drugs, he should be 100% in school or working, chores etc.

But also don’t let this become a prison, allow him space to calmly talk to you about what’s going on, what he wants out of life.

This.

It's clear at 13 he wasn't equipped to make a good decision about who to live with. This boy's dad is not going to have parented him well for 3 years. You now need to unpick 3 years of likely neglect, emotional abuse and him being around the worst kind of male role model.

You don't get to give up on him. He can't go and live with his abusive dad again. He needs lots of love and some clear boundaries.

At 16 he can move out. I don’t think it’s working for you or for his dad so where else would he go?

He can move out where??

What is this rationale? "His room should be his if it was before he left"
What if he was older, moved out and got a job? How long should op keep a completely empty room as a shrine to one DC when the other 2 are crammed into a smaller one!

A lot can change in 3 years - its very different for 2 dc of the opposite sex to share when they're toddlers, not when they're approaching puberty!

I wouldn't have him back. He's had too many chances and it's so unfair on the younger children, not only disrupting them by moving them in and out of their rooms but having an angry young man who is presumably much bigger than them shouting at their mother, punching holes in the wall, taking drugs, drinking, stopping them using rooms in the house and having to be quiet to avoid waking him, all of which much be really upsetting and scary for them.

It's not like he's at danger of being homeless- he has a perfectly safe house with his dad - the dad is just clearly stricter than OP. If his dad was horrible and abusive he would have been begging his mum to let him back when he was 13, not just because he's now 16 and wants somewhere he can smoke and have an easy life.

I wouldn't have this violent thug around your younger children.
Do not allow him to return.
He is violent, no excuse for his shocking behaviour.
He needs to learn behaviour has consequences.

that sentence was preceded by ‘he’s only 16´

if he was older and left to get a job, it would be different.

No - it’s not your duty to accept abuse from your 16yp son. Do his future partner a favour and tell him he respects you or you WILL throw him out.

i’ve realised that men CAN control themselves as I bet he doesn’t abuse his dad like that?

surprised that your husband puts up with this nonsense in his home around his own children!

I am also mystified about the role of current husband in all of this. You need to be a team, it is your joint home and you need him to be at your side and your younger children's side in dealing with this.

This is not OPs fault, I presume she thought by letting him have contact then she wouldn’t keep being abused and put down and probably fear made her let contact happen.

stop victim blaming.

op, your son either needs to respect you and your home or he doesn’t get to live there, end of, you have been abused once in your life, don’t let it happen again.

my mum took my brother back in after he had a traumatic time and he pushed the boundaries and disrespected her so many times until she eventually said enough is enough, my mum had a stroke with all the stress he was causing her. End of, find somewhere else to stay!

he has a perfectly safe house with his dad - the dad is just clearly stricter than OP. If his dad was horrible and abusive he would have been begging his mum to let him back when he was 13, not just because he's now 16

A lot of assumptions being made here. The home with his father is not perfectly safe is it? A serious domestic abuser lives there. You think domestic abusers don't also abuse their children? Because if you think that you're sadly misinformed. He went to live with his father because his mum allowed them to have a relationship against all logic and common sense, and he thought as many young people do that his dad was a good guy. He now realises he isn't and he wants to come home. I wonder whether OP was relieved to send him to his dad so she could focus on her new family??

Shared house? My DB left home at 15 went to live in a shared house.

No excuse? Both his parents failed him. His dad abused his mum so badly that he went to prison and then his mum sent him off to stay with the abuser 'because he didn't abuse him'
This is still a child and he still needs parenting. Who else is supposed to do it if not his mother?