My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

[Dotlnew]

My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

I think the title of your post is really interesting OP - you seem to think the important part of the story is that DS initially chose the man who abused you. DS was and still is a child. You can't see or treat him like someone who should be choosing you or validating you. He needs you to be in charge, you're not his peer.

No.Just no.
I've been in therepy for years and accessed it for my children.If me being abused from the age of 16-21 by my childs father means MY chickens coming to roost now means my 16 year old now has issues...maybe YOU need therepy.

When this boy was 2 years old his father broke his mother’s nose and cheekbone. She says he was never harmed except for emotional abuse. His life is fucked unless he gets serious professional help.

Agreed...fight the system... courts and the social services instead of the victims of this kind of abuse.

I don't.Read all the posts before commenting

Why did you let your child live with someone who you know was abusive? Your son is the way he is because he was raised by an abuser and now when that's left him damaged you want nothing to do with repairing that.

I did read all the posts. Including what you chose to put in the title.

He is staying with you because he doesn’t like the rules at his dads - that’s just tough. The rules of living like a civilised human being who is considerate of others are the same wherever you live.
i think you are over compensating due to his early years and he has spotted where he can take advantage. Send him back to dads every time he ignores your rules or don’t let him back. You need to define and implement rules too so he’s not just doing whatever he wants without consideration or consequences

You have to give him a chance, or quite a few chances. He's looking for change but that's a difficult thing to achieve. Preaching at him about his father and your past is not going to help? It's only going to make things worse.

Deal with the here and now. Put all of your baggage aside and stop rattling on about it and focus on your son and his needs in the here and now.

I think you need a tougher stance as well.

I would be making a rule that for the sake of your younger children, he is not allowed to live with you until he stops getting stoned. This is also part of the reason for his shitty behaviour. But do what you need to do to help him give up the weed. It’s really poor you’ve allowed this at his age.

And if he ‘demands’ food at stupid times, he needs to make it himself.

Also, i speak from my own childhood experience, stop being bitter about him choosing to live with his dad when he was a child. Just take that factor out of it.

It goes against everything I believe but I don’t think you can have him staying in your house. He clearly doesn’t live by your rules. You deserve to feel safe and in control of your own home. His behaviour doesn’t just affect you, there are three other people living under your roof, two of them vulnerable. It’s now his father’s responsibility to deal with the crap he’s allowed to happen.

The one thing I think you and your husband need to realise is that your husband does have authority in his own home. Your joint rules must be adhered to and if not, there are consequences. The consequences of his behaviour when he was living with you are now that he can no longer reside in your house. I don’t think you have a choice at this point, he needs to continue living with his father. That does not make you a bad mother.

My children unfortunately had a very similar father. He went to jail when they were in very early primary for assaulting me, we had already been separated for 2 years at that point. My kids are now the same age as your two oldest, so I empathise a lot.

Parenting kids who have been through this is not easy. Obviously having a father like that can give you a very distorted view of what is normal. One thing I notice is you seem to be parenting out of guilt. Allowing things that aren't acceptable because you feel bad about your ex. That will always cause more problems than it solves.

My kids are over all pretty well rounded but it hasn't been without challenges. You say your son says no to removing his phone. Surely you just take it anyway? My son tried that around 14 and told me he paid for it. I told him I didn't care and that actions have consequences.

I would give him one more chance and have strict boundaries. No vaping, no smoking weed, he must attend school and if he doesn't follow those rules then unfortunately he cannot stay. If he can't agree to the rules he does not move in at all. I would also put him in the living room not make the younger 2 share.

Exactly this OP. It sounds so so difficult but he’s a child who is the product of abuse and manipulation too and is damaged because of this just like you are.

A Previous poster mentioned MST therapy and that looked really interesting, is this something you could look into? I also second the opinion he needs therapy.

Honestly, I wouldn’t allow him to stay .You have other children with additional needs and you need to be physically and mentally well to take care of them
Your son needs to stay with his father
Do not be guilted into taking him back

Forget about what his Dad says, he is like a broken compass pointing in the wrong direction. He is the problem. You cannot fix your son unless he wants to be fixed and even then he has to do the work on himself. I would look into intensive family therapy and see if you can improve things but ultimately if he is not safe to be around he needs to go. There are younger children in the home.

You are exposing your younger children to domestic violence when you have a duty to protect them tell him he can come for a visit then ensure he goes home, explain why.
Maintain a relationship with him in the hopes he grows up. Thank goodness his dad is involved. Let him sort your som out- he witnessed DV of you at his father’s hands. Do not perpetuate the cycle of abuse with the younger two hearing and watching his behaviour. SS could easily get involved with this if they have reason to believe your younger vulnerable children are being posed to DV.

@Dotlnew You are not being a good mum to your 2 youngest children by letting your 16 year old staying with you when he has a dad he can go to. Take action NOW!!!

You’ve got to break the cycle @Dotlnew I know it is hard but every time you let him back after one more chance you demonstrate that he and his Dad, your ex, have control. Stand firm.

Half of our kids are teenagers and no way do any act like this, they know what's expected and certain rules and they sure don't include drugs. Be a parent your not his friend your his parent tho it's probably to late

He’s been through a lot. Why was he allowed to go to his dad permanently from 13? Did you go to court?
Dad in prison
New siblings
All his siblings have disabilities
He probably feels abandoned and pushed out and needs extensive therapy (you too). 16 years old is a difficult age to engage with therapy.

Did your son have therapy before you met a new man? He witnessed abuse and he’s a very traumatised boy.

This sounds awful and needs serious change now. Re the weed, my own parents took a similar stance with my brother about the same age - let him smoke in the shed. Needless to say he did a lot more than just smoke weed in that shed. He ended up leaving school with no A levels, later dropped out of his apprenticeship and ended up dealing drugs. That ended predictably badly and he caused my parents no end of heartbreak over the years before finally sorting his life out in his 40s.

Don’t let him smoke weed at home. Make your boundaries as clear to him as his dad obviously does. With consequences. His behaviour is not that of a happy kid. He needs boundaries. Be firm. You know what to do. Don’t even think about whatever dad says about “abandoning him”.

The boy WAS abused by his father because he lived with his abuse. You then allowed him to have a relationship with him for years when you could have protected him - you could absolutely have kept him away after that prison sentence but you thought he should have a relationship with his abusive dad and now he's on the other end of growing up with the influence of an abusive father and you don't want to step up and take him back? Of course he's challenging, he's lived with an abuser for 3 years and been harmed by him all his life. He's still your responsibility.

Thank goodness his dad is involved. Let him sort your som out- he witnessed DV of you at his father’s hands

You don't see any contradiction here?