My 16 year old wants to move back in with me after choosing to live with his father at 12 who abused me fir 5 years and was sent to prison for 16 months & a restraining order for life

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My 16 year old has lived with me until he was 13 & i single handedly raised him and his older brother while their dad was in prison for a final significant assault on me that broke my nose and cheek bone when he was 2 years old..i supported contact as he never harmed the kids (other than emotionally seeing the abuse) it's been abusive and horrible ever since & he's used the children and anything i do as a mother to bring me down...at 13 my son decided to live with his dad & against my wishes I allowed it for his "happiness" now at 16 he is seeing his fathers controlling ways and asked to move back in a few months ago...i now have a husband of 11 years and we have 2 children in a 3 bedroom house...we wotjout question moved him back in and moved my 2 children into one room and made him at home...after around 2 months he had punched a hole in a wall...gone against all rules...curfews...smoked weed (which he admitted to me and I've told him the dangers of addiction but appreciate the honestly and want a open relationship with no judgement so I said on weekends he can smoke in our shed) again against everything i believe in but i feel i have no choice he will lie and do it anyway...it got to the point of verbal abuse quite regularly when he would break curfew etc so my only punishment was to turn WiFi off...which resulted in verbal abuse threats of violence around my 2 small children who are autistic...so I said he needs to go back to his dad's...he is using my home as a place of no rules or consequences...he can stay a few times a week if he respects our family home and values...fast forward only a few weeks and he is begging to come back...our children need separate rooms due to their disabilities and i don't feel I can change there routine once again after everything that has already happened last time

Even at weekends when he stays he is bringing weed into the house and our pet dog chewed his grinder...he leaves vapes in the family room...he leaves food rubbish everywhere...bath products and wet towels without a second though of the basic clean up after yourself rules...he isnt even asked to do a single chore for anyone else...i have a open communication of all of this with him and he promised he would change

I explained that the abuse from his father has left marks on me...and violence and verbal abuse makes me extra nervous and uncomfortable...he says he understands when he's getting what he wants...but one no
..and he's calling me names and saying I don't do anything for him...i love my son...i know this is my duty...i just feel like after all that's gone on...it's my time to make a change...make a stand...and not uproot all I've worked on and be used and abused even by my own son...i feel like shit.Like 2 lives are colliding..the past and the present.

My husband is great with my son...he used to smoke weed himself...they get along great...and so do me and my 16 year old...but i feel he just enjoys us being more "free" than his dad...and our home is just a place to be out when he likes...be stoned...come home and wash and eat and charge his phone...which i get all teens maybe do...but it's at the cost of my cptsd 247 on vigilant standby when he is here under my "responsibility" his father also now uses me as the reason he is a but if a bad boy...and I can't throw my son under the bus that he's been vaping and experimenting with weed since he was 14 under his dads roof...

It's a mess.

I love my son and if I had a attack conversation or outdoor home...or an extra room I would pull myself back up and try to therapeutically get through this with my son...how is is now is the front room is like a doss house until 11am each day...younger 6 & 9 year old eating breakfast in the kitchen with no table so we don't wake him up or see his mess and vapes etc

Again...I HAVE SAID ALL OF THIS TO MYB16 YEAR OLD...HE LISTENS...AGREES...AND WITHIN 10 MINUTES HES DOING THE SAME SHIT AGAIN...UNTIL I SHOUT AND SAY YOURBNOT LISTENING THEN HE SHOUTS BACK AND ITS CHAOS

I HAVE NO AUTHORITY OTHER THAN REFUSING HIM TO LIVE HERE

Thankyou for you reply I have got him councilling when he was 11 and displayed anger...His dad said I was dramatic he's "a boy" and trying to drag the past up for my own victim mentality...I reached out to his new school when he moved back in & asked him to have the therepy at school which he does...The long term support i will offer and give will never stop...It's the living situation and saying no to him coming back right now I'm struggling to manage...he has a home...he doesn't like the rules there...but i also can't give him the life he wants here...there's rules here too...and im just not able to fulfill them with his behaviour and my husband and younger 2 children here

I think you need to contact social services. But I think he might have to go back and live with his dad. Is he attending school?

You can't make up for/undo the influence of his father by relaxing your own boundaries and making excuses for his behaviour (poor role models etc etc). If you give him endless chances and reminders then he learns nothing except that your boundaries are nothing. The bit where his dad said that's exactly what you would do - that is v manipulative of the dad. You have to be straight and confident in your own head that you are not being weak. You have been clear from the start. It's on him that he is not following the rules. You can't bend the rules to make them easier to follow. He can't be trusted to behave well, respectfully and maturely such that exceptions can be made. Don't feel bad about not uprooting your lives again - but know it is because he has been disrespectful, and that is on him, not you.

Thankyou for you reply I have got him councilling when he was 11 and displayed anger...His dad said I was dramatic he's "a boy" and trying to drag the past up for my own victim mentality...I reached out to his new school when he moved back in & asked him to have the therepy at school which he does...The long term support i will offer and give will never stop...It's the living situation and saying no to him coming back right now I'm struggling to manage...he has a home...he doesn't like the rules there...but i also can't give him the life he wants here...there's rules here too...and im just not able to fulfill them with his behaviour and my husband and younger 2 children here

Sorry everyone i don't know how to reply individually I'm new on this...I think I'm making new posts with every attempted reply...I also can spell...im just rage messaging and my words are not being spelt correctly..And I don't know how to edit messages.Thankyou all.

No sorry he has it easier here he says...As I clearly don't know how to say no and follow it through

You need to ring his Dad the next time he breaks the rules in your house. Ask Dad to collect him , tell them both he can't stay with you if he behaves like this.

Put in the boundaries and maintain them like his Dad does. He is trying to play you off against each other, don't allow it.
He can either follow the rules or live somewhere else

Actions have consequences and his actions mean you cannot give him a home. He was given freedom and abused you for it and at 16 he needs to take responsibility for himself, so Dad's it is.

So he’s abusive. Where do you think he learned that?

And he is now teaching the younger children how to be abusive.

You must know that is not a risk worth taking.

Am I misunderstanding the timelines here?

What is his relationship with your current husband like? If I've read it correctly he has been your husband for 11 years? Surely your son who is 16 now would've been 5 when you remarried and your current dh was in his life for at least 8 years and the eldest of you most recent children was born when your son was 7 so why is he not called step Dad? Why did your son only become violent at age 11 what went wrong then? Was that after the birth of the second child with your new husband? Did he feel pushed out?

You say you’ve raised them single handedly

but you’ve been married for 11 years

is your husband not your sons role model?

where did you live when your son was 13 and lived with you? He’s only 16, his room should be his, if it was before he left?

you have survived a huge amount. But, and I know I’m asking for something difficult here, but he needs to be viewed separately to his father.

rules like sitting at the table, come on?! Rules like curfew and smoking weed must be stuck to, with a clear consequence of him going to stay with his dad

i know it’s tough girl, I’m sorry x

cross post - the timeline is difficult to understand

And since he was 13, your ex has fashioned him into a weapon he has now deployed against you. It's a continuation of his abuse of you.

Your son's behaviour is NOT typical of 16 year olds. It just isn't.

At 16, your son can understand 'if you do X then the consequences are Y'. Now you just have to implement it. The first infraction against house rules, he is out. Immediately. No ifs, no buts, no handwringing. Out.

11 years together 2 years marriage...constant weekend contact with his dad when he came out of prison when he was 3...My now husband met my son when he was 5

This is your fault for supporting contact, allowing emotional abuse and then allowing your child to ‘choose’ his dad blindly at 13 without you telling him his dad was physically abusive. You sent a young boy into the lions den while not telling him there’s a lion in there that beat the shit out of you.

Of course he is angry with you. He chose his dad because you didn’t tell him how bad his dad was.

Your child needs love and support to get through this. Worst thing you can do is toss him out and pretend this has nothing to do with you sending him into the lions den unprepared.

Never pushed out...the constant argument was him wanting to live with his dad and myself and the courts were against it...But went with his wishes at 13

My husband met him at 5 and was an undermined role model as his dad was over controlling and made rules for him while under my roof which my son idolised...there was always a theme of his dad being HIS boss...and anything we instilled was rubbish...his father is a gypsy...so the rules lifestyle and looking up to your father was always something pushed on him...we tried our best...to make him not be exposed to what his dad was to US...and didn't want to talk down about his father....social services an probation were involved in this transition in the earlier years and then we were left to deal with it...at 13 he wanted to be with his dad and idolised him...then it had been 3 years of less contact...until now...and joe he is speaking back to his dad...and seeing what he done was wrong and wanting to be here...which we welcomed and still do...but it isn't working and he is behaving as explained above which is why I'm struggling

Did you move while he was with his dad? (Why doesn't he have a bedroom?)

My 3 sons shared a room...daughter in 1 room...my youngest was a baby...now autistic at 9 years old has had his own room for 3 years as has my autistic daughter bow 6...we moved the 2 youngest back into one room without question when he asked to move back home...THEN the above behaviour happened so we told him he has to go back to his dad's...now a few mobths later he wants to come back
..and we don't want to or feel it right to out the children back in a room together when he broke the rules so badly last time.

I feel for you. My children have contact with my abusive ex and it scares me to see the influence it has in my son sometimes. I’m court ordered and have no choice.

you have to remember your son has turned out this way because he has been around an abusive man. Do you want that future for your younger kids? Because your 16yo is essentially an abusive man to them.

I like you would do everything I my power to help my son but if he ever treats me or my home how your son is treating you I’d kick him out because I won’t have the legacy of my abusive ex fuck up the life of my younger child. You have to break the cycle. He’s young just 16 and maybe you can have a good relationship in years to come when he’s sorted himself out. But for now you need to keep him away from your younger children, maintain a relationship with him absolutely that will be essential for his healing but do it out of your home and away from your younger children

We've always had a 3 bed and my 3 boys shared 1 room...4 children...18 year old has moved out...13 year old (now 16 year old we are discussing) moved in with dad at 13...so we separated our 2 children son & daughter into own rooms for the last 3 years

16 year old asked to move back in October.we said yes.
.no questions...made him his own room...he done all of the above behaviours so in the end we asked him to go back to his dad's as a consequence

He's living with dad now...and has his own room there but doesn't like the rules there (clearly because he can get away with whatever here) so we are now struggling to say yes to him coming back and move the kids back into a room together...he spends weekends here on the sofa atm and STILL displays the same behaviour..

.so we don't want to commit to a room change and the children are autistic and housing wise are supposed to be in separate rooms for their needs....the housing won't move us as he is 16 and lives with dad and has a room there...no abuse or safeguarding....so do we again uproot the younger 2...when he wants to come here to live after all this behaviour that hasn't changed is my post question...we told him my husband will make him an extention on the house if he goes to school gets a job...respects his dads rules and sticks to mon-thurs at his dad's fri to sun here....is hasn't happened yet!...and he is texting after every row with his dad "i can't live here it's shit" and i HATE saying no...he can't live here...

You call the police the minute he kicks off and do it each and every time!! That’s what you do.

I’m sorry your text was too long. He needs counselling or an apprenticeship, both, he needs to be busy. He cannot be smoking in the house but I imagine he’s been through a lot of trauma, made adult decisions, it’s hard to now treat him as a child again.

It sounds like both you and your son would benefit from some counseling or therapy, if you can access it. You have been abused and it sounds like your son has either witnessed or experienced abuse himself. I don't think kicking out your own child at 16 is the answer, but it must be incredibly difficult trying to parent a child who is struggling with behavior when the other parent is against you, and you have your other children to worry about too. It really seems like you might need to get some professional help if you can, he needs someone to talk to and you might as well.

Thankyou and I'm sorry you've experienced the same...and this is exactly what my head is telling me is right to do...open arms with normal human boundaries...and it hasn't worked...so now I have to say no...and my heart is saying take it all...he's your son...your responsibility forever for good and bad...but the implement on everyone else is awful...my younger children have no idea of violence abuse and mental health issues I'm going through thankfully but also it's imminently going to be exposed if this carries on...i feel it's say no to 1 child to save 2 children and the guilt and maternal instinct is saying die for your child...let them back always...be the mum!!And I can't do it all...i can't keep everyone happy...From an arms length with my 16 year old at his dad's most of the week i can be the safe space maybe?The one to turn too
..i don't know...he knows i feel im failing him and give him what he wants to compensate for what he's been through at 2 years old having a broken family...and part of me sees he's manipulating that and has many genetic and environmental traits of his dad...it's never about me...if I was a mother with no children other than him I'd take it all...Never say no...but i have 2 innocent children with no experience or knowledge of the dark life I lived long ago...and i don't want my 16 year old to be ostracised because of that...and he never has been...it's only his own behaviour which he knows he's doing and in anger he uses his dad and my fears against me...i can't live that way