dd15 induction tomorrow & i have a bug

[lunarwhisper]

Reposting in AIBU for traffic
Trying to keep this brief

My dd is 15 and she's 3 days overdue we went to the hospital yesterday for reduced movements all fine but she's been booked in for an induction tomorrow
We arent the closest and werent before the pregnancy either due to her behaviour at the time and she was living with her dad for a few months befoe she found out but i was meant to be her birthing partner .

Since shes been off school we have been closer and going out together when my younger dc are at school but we did have an argument as she wants to call the baby something ridiculous and she called me controlling

The dad isnt the nicest of boys and tbh neither is his dad ive only spoke to him once and that was when i told him dd was pregnant and he said how did his son know its his and called dd a slag

They eventually broke up and he was bullying her along with his friends in school which made her anxious about attending , she blocked him and they had no contact from december until recently , they aren't back together but apparently he does want to be involved

Anyway fast forward to the issue, she is due to be induced tomorrow and I've woken up today vomiting and I don't feel the greatest. The dc’s dad aren't really involved tbh but the plan was he come here and be with the dc (though they'll not be home during the day) and I go with dd. Im now unsure what to do as I wont be much help to dd and obviously with a bug on the labour ward wont be good anyway

The dad is under 16 so i doubt just then would be allowed and I dont think dd would want him there anyway , i don't know if shed want her dad there either(i wouldnt have wanted mine there at 15 and we were much closer than dd and her dad) and im unsure how much use he’d be

What the hell do we do??

I would suggest googling local doulas and calling around explaining the situation. Most of the websites I have seen offer free support to women in challenging circumstances who would otherwise give birth alone.

the dad’s mum isn't in his life otherwise i wouldve asked her its just his dad and older brothers

most my friends will be at work and shes adamant she wants me there but if not then the babys dad but I'm unsure how itll go especially the 2 of them, im aware an induction likely wont be quick but i still don't know how much use hell be whereas i feel the same about her dad but also id rather him there than the ex as her dad is much more unlikely to start an argument with her

I don’t think you can ask another 15 year old to be involved in this!

Can you reschedule it by a couple of days?

If not, then I think her dad is the next best option.

Poor thing. She shouldn’t be going through this at 15.

Are there any other women in her life she's close to at all? Auntie, Nan, friends Mum?

Harsh as this sounds her age is almost irrelevant, she got pregnant and fell out with the dad (which in this day and age isn’t unusual). You’ve unfortunately fell ill so can’t be her birthing partner (regardless as to what your daughter says you going onto a maternity ward knowing you are ill would be wrong in every way/shape/form) though I would say what is unusual is that you and your daughter have no friends outside the circle of just the two of you, or your “friends” are working which makes me think there’s more to the story? I just struggle to comprehend someone who knows no one other than the person she got pregnant with and her mum…

Get a doula, they will be able to support her through it with her Dad as her parent.
No 15 year old should have to go it alone - ask midwifes / PALS for advice too.
I also would not delay the induction, reduced movements and the baby getting bigger as already overdue will make it harder and more risky.
I'm sorry you're all facing this happening at a young age - I wish for the best.

I would not reschedule an induction for reduced movements when baby is overdue, so going forward would be a must. I’d talk to my dd and ask what she thought. You can be on the phone or video call to her for a chunk of the induction process I expect, it might take a while.

getting a doula in to help her is a great idea. Someone competent who can reassure her and tell her what’s going on. I’d find one and then talk to dd, and say I’ll be in as soon as it’s 24 hours from when I was sick.

Yes, unless you can find a willing volunteer (get the word out in your community, you never know, there may be a good samaritan) then please try to find a doula. I know there will be a great expense involved, but your dd needs every bit of support. I'd beg, borrow or steal to get one tbh, so that dd is off to the best start she possibly can.

Speak to her health team ASAP and let them know the situation.

So sorry you're dealing with this, I can't imagine how stressful this must be.

Best of luck

She knows plenty of people but the majority will also be children.

I think it will have to be the baby’s dad OP. If that’s what your daughter wants. I’d check in with the midwifery service to see what they do in these situations - they will have suggestions.

Firstly OP I’m sorry you have this worry. Speak to the hospital and see what they say I’m sure they’ve encountered this before. As for people saying ask her friends she’s technically a child so are her friends! Hopefully the induction will take a little time in order for you to at least get past the vomiting stage (fingers crossed it’s just a 24 hour bug). Agree you should not be going in until you have stopped vomiting.

https://www.doulaswithoutborders.com/

They might be able to help at short notice?

I think induction is a bit extreme for someone only three days over due date (unless there are other factors).

It wouldn't hurt to put it off and she may go into labour spontaneously.

Sending you love; quite the quandary. I think the recommendation to speak with the hospital is very good as they help birthing mothers every day. I would also mentally prepare DD in the event you are absent. For both of them, if she needs induced, I would recommend going ahead even if it’s a hard decision because you won’t be there. Healthy mum and baby. If she has been receiving other support such as a midwife or due to her younger age, contact them. More information and more ideas to weigh. Maybe run it by her first.

I hope she has an easy delivery and you recover quickly too.

I was induced; it took 4 days from arriving at hospital to the (inevitable) emergency section, and I found it exhausting and distressing. We already had a doula planned, and she tag teamed with my DH. She was amazing at liaising and advocating for me with the midwives. If you can arrange one short notice, I really recommend.

You said your friends are at work. If my friend had this problem, I would totally take the day off (and the next one) to be there for her daughter. You can but ask.

Ask dd what she wants. No other female relatives? Does she have a close friend?

Can’t believe people are asking about close friends, given that close friends would be her own age. It’s completely inappropriate for a 15yo child to be a birthing partner, there is no way that should be asked of them, and I’d go so far as to consider it a safeguarding issue.

The reality is she is either insistent on going ahead now and goes it alone with midwives, or delays and has you there. If there is a medical need, fair enough, but if it is just that she is over it at this point, that’s not a consideration really in these circumstances.

I’d imagine that today they will just put in a pessary or something and little would happen. Can’t you just mask up and stay well away from DD & baby. I wouldn’t be asking them to delay induction when it’s for reduced movement. By the time baby is born, you’ll probably be better.

She said reduced movement.

It's not appropriate for one of her friends to be her birthing partner.

If this was the daughter of one of my friends I would absolutely take a couple of days off work to support her. I'd ask around OP, I'm sure one of your friends could step in.

Your daughter needs someone who can advocate for her during the process.

Can you be on Facetime/WhatsApp video call with her throughout it all? I know it's not completely the same but better than nothing. Anyone from her prenatal classes who she bonded with?!

Try and get a doula? Ultimately up to your daughter of course.
Really crap timing but best you stay away - there are many mothers and babies on the induction ward in addition to your DD.
Inductions can take days and involve so much waiting around you can still be in the phone lots potentially. And you will have many chances to be there for her over the coming years... I think it will be important to see how she experiences the birth and if she's traumatised seek support for her.
Best wishes to you all.

She will be fine. If she’s mature enough to have this baby then she can get through this first bit without you - you said you aren’t that close anyway.
You absolutely can not take a bug into hospital, that’s the reason wards get shut down, not to mention the risk to vulnerable patients and babies.

Doula!

You cannot rely on dad - what is he agrees and just doesn’t turn up. You cannot risk going either.

Hopefully you’ve contacted the hospital to inform them of the situation.

All the best.