“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

I respect other human beings automatically unless they give me reason not to.

Nobody has advocated 'encouraging a teenage girl to embrace casual sex'. It should be neither encouraged or discouraged.

The only thing that should be encouraged is women taking control of their own sex lives according to what they, as an individual with agency, feels is right for them.

When I say 'worth more,' I mean it in the same way as everyone is worth treating themselves well - eating healthily, exercising, not drinking heavily, not endangering themselves. It's not out of judgment but out of care and experience.

But you're assuming that 'treating themselves well' means abstaining from sex unless they're in a committed relationship, which is absolutely a judgement on what you personally consider under the umbrella of 'what's good for you'.

For some women 'treating themselves well' might mean not having sex outside a specific set of societal and moral parameters. For some women, though, 'treating themselves well' might mean enjoying sex for its own sake in whatever way makes them happy, without having to feel guilty about it.

Nrtft- but it sounds like they have had a lot of crap sex in their time to think it was all about the man and what they want. I’ve had a few in my time (albeit 30 odd years ago now!) and they were all fun.

Horses for courses and bananas for hammocks 😆

How is having sex with someone I fancy not "respecting my body"?!

Such an antiquated concept. Women are precious, emotional flowers, who men will take advantage of! 🙄

Exactly!

This is a bit like the birthday party post a few weeks ago.

These mum's are mad. I had to archive and silence and with one I had to block.....
Keep us updated OP

The way you describe how she said it sounds pretty judgemental. But I agree with the general idea of questioning the 'sex positive' narrative for young women. We are not the same as men. While some women do enjoy casual sex, most women find it hard not to get emotionally involved with a sexual partner. In that case, even if he is kind and respectful, they end up feeling hurt and used.

I think women are encouraged to act like men in the sexual arena but it doesn't fit with our biological drives. Most women need to feel safe in order to enjoy sex. Most of us want to be with one trusted partner. And very few of us are able to separate sex from emotion. It's not better or worse, it's just different.

So I think having people saying to young women, "look, you don't actually have to have lots of casual sex in order to be 'normal'; it's not actually that common for women to want and enjoy casual sex; it's very easy for women to feel used and mistreated in these scenarios PLUS we take on a disproportionate risk in terms of pregnancy and also STDs" is actually a good thing. Obviously we can't tell other people what to do, but we can explain that what they see on instagram or netflix is not reality.

Im in my 60s now, nothing new about casual sex, its been around as long as sex has been invented 😋😉 the difference back then was that we didnt have the Internet pearl clutchers lecturing us thats its terrible and its all the fault of men 😁

Had plenty sober

You can’t respect someone you know nothing about

Any decent person respects other human beings as a default, and continues to respect them unless they're given a clear reason not to.

If you have to get to know people before you can respect them, that's not a point in your favour.

See, now you sound judgemental. Plenty of women enjoy casual sex and don’t want the emotion. Look at all the women who go off sex in marriage because they want someone new, someone different. It’s a very old fashioned and unrealistic view to want one man for your whole life.

I think this is a really valid point

Thats not to say they wouldnt - i thinknthey would but theres material difference

Babe? I thought this was MN, not a building site!

I was trying to point out (poorly) the absurdity of the notion that the woman's body is being used.

You and your DN need to dance around the kitchen blasting Lola Young's "One Thing". That might give the aunts and co. something to talk about...!

Ill never forget when my Mum teased me about my about 10th boyfriend and my great aunt, born in 1911 and about 70 at the time said "ont have 10 have loads before you settle down. so much more fun." She never married and always had lovers. Her last one she was 96 and he was 89 and cried at her funeral.
And you know what she was right! With DH for 26 years but had lots of fun before!

How??

Ooh, I used to love a ons.
The thrill of not knowing whether or not you were going to pull.
That minute when you realised it was going to happen.
Then ta ta rwan the next morning.

Good or indifferent sex..... the thrill was in the unknown. Dh and I both slept around a lot before we met. It's not impacted our marriage in the slightest. Neither is us cared. Our dc seem more prudish and judgmental than we were at that age. Weird how the cycles change.

Who cares? How much disco dancing would exist without alcohol? How many hen does would exist without alcohol? What would New Year's Eve be without alcohol?

Live a little! Have some sex. Recognise than a woman can get as much fun from a ONS as a man can. And that it will not, somehow, erase her soul.

How is it judgemental? They're just biological facts. Not all women fit this but many do.

There are risks in casual sex for women that aren't really the same for men. Pregnancy being the obvious example. But also STDs can cause serious issues in women. Plus the emotional risk of not being able to separate out feelings. Plus the risk of sexual assault and rape. And the risk that it's fun at the time, but when he doesn't call, you feel used and it's sad.

I'm not saying there are no women who enjoy casual sex and find it as simple as men can. I'm also not saying we should tell women not to have casual sex. I'm saying there's a huge push on social media and entertainment to present women as the same as men in terms of their sexuality. We are not, as a general rule. And I think it's fair enough to talk about the downsides and the risks.

I had casual sex because….i enjoy sex but i was very choosey about who I spent time with got into a relationship! However if I we’re counselling my own daughters I think I’ll encourage them to try to only have sex within a relationship.

And the risk that it's fun at the time, but when he doesn't call, you feel used and it's sad.

You clearly have some trauma attached to this. Maybe do some work on that? Before deciding that us poor wimmins are at great risk from checks notes having some fun.

Agree you should be able to have fun. But I personally have never had fun with a ONS. I’ve learnt that if I’ve had a drink it seriously impacts my ability to ‘O’ and all of my ONS have occurred after drinking, I’ve had little to no pleasure from them. In fact, if I could ‘undo’ them I would.

So I probably wouldn’t champion them from my own experience. I know I’m not alone either as have lots of friend's with similar experiences. TBH I’d probably just say - go for it if you’re feeling the fun and knock it on the head if you’re not. I wasn’t confident enough to say ‘nah, this isn’t working for me’ because I felt ‘obliged’ or like I would be a tease and I think I’d have less regrets if I hadn’t felt that way.

What an incredibly rude thing to say.

I have a different opinion to you. Funnily enough, you are not the final arbiter of all moral issues, and people are allowed to disagree. Making personal comments and trying to shame me into silence rather than actually taking on my arguments is petty and childish and shows a lack of both integrity and intelligence.

If you haven't got an actual argument to make in response to my points, then leave me alone, please.