“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

Yeah they probably do.. and yet mothers of daughters, like me, ( who are somewhat normal) are terrified of young men today - and would probably advise my girls to not have ons unless they were total ok with it, sober, knew the guy etc etc... none of the rules I abided to when having lots of no-strings in the 00's. But I do feel times have changed... (or maybe I got old).

No. I would need to build the emotional side first and that’s not what men looking for a FWB want in my experience. It seems to be a given that sex by the 3rd date or they’re gone even at my age (60)

Guess issue is that any woman, regardless of how she looks, can have sex pretty much whenever she wants..as men with s* anything with legs. However, if she values herself, she won't offer herself to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Same.

I have a FWB now, and I'm happy with it, but the ONS I've had were certainly about my pleasure as well the person I was with. Why else would I be there? Like PP said, if I'm getting naked with someone, I'm having an orgasm. Preferably several.

And I second this:

I’m picky asf and have had casual sex.
Casual doesn’t mean “ anyone”. It means someone you find attractive.

Love this. Same for me.

I’m with you, OP. I think that’s a really throwback, puritanical point of view. And I would’ve been surprised to! Did you say anything? Not saying that you should’ve, I might’ve let it pass but said something to my niece later.

Sex is a healthy thing to do. Orgasms have positive effects on our mental health.

Why are you judging them as irresponsible?

we've already had I feel sorry for you if you’re sex life is XYZ

No, we've had 'I feel sorry for you if you've had bad sexual experiences or have only had sex with men who are useless at it'.

We haven't had 'I feel sorry for you if you've never had casual sex'.

Those are two very different things.

People have been saying 'one night stands are awful and not about the woman's pleasure and the man doesn't care if the woman comes' - it is not unreasonable or shaming or judgemental to say 'Well, I'm sorry if that's been your experience'. Who wouldn't feel sorry for someone who had been having awful sex that they didn't enjoy at all? There's no shame implied in that and there's no judgement implied in pointing out that some people's experiences of casual sex are great.

That poster would be surprised how picky men can be. Only some men will shag anything that moves. Most have standards and certain wants. I’ve known a lot of men and they need to feel attracted to have sex just like women.

Sex is different from masturbation.

I love getting my partner off.

Masturbation is fine but I get turned on the most by them being turned on.

WHY?

I’m referring to another post towards the start. Yes, we have had ‘I feel sorry for you if you haven’t XYZ’. And I’ve seen that kind of sentiment anyway. Im not offended as it’s not aimed at me, but it is a common discourse when casual sex comes up.

Even if they did, it still wouldn't mean they had 'used' each other.

Plenty of committed couples are people who shouldn't become parents, but we don't go around telling married people not to shag each other on the tiny off-chance that their contraception fails.

I don’t understand. Most boomers were having fun in the swinging sixties right?
Well a great many of us were newborns, toddlers or very young children in the swinging sixties so not the sort of fun I think you're referring to.

Women can enjoy sex and be sexually liberated, for sure, and they can want to have sex or be sexual for any number of reasons. Although as I said, in my personal experience I have multiple older female friends who tried casual hook-ups and none of them ended up being happy with it.

But unfortunately encouraging a teenage girl to embrace casual sex opens them up to being very vulnerable and allows them to confuse their own choices with acceptance of a toxic sexist culture that then throws that very behaviour back in their own face.

When I say 'worth more,' I mean it in the same way as everyone is worth treating themselves well - eating healthily, exercising, not drinking heavily, not endangering themselves. It's not out of judgment but out of care and experience.

What I mean was I was just recalling nights at a club when i'd get chatting to a man in a group and i made it clear i wasnt going home with them then there were some that literally turned and walked away to look for another girl and it made me feel gross. Because those men were lookong for sex with someone/anyone they found attractive and it made me feel like I wasn't a person, just an opportunity for sex and they were putting up with some chat because the quid pro quo was sex later that night. I didn't like it.

And I'd like you to just acknowledge that I made the same point as you - that casual doesn't mean "anyone"- and that I'm not judgong you or anti casual sex (because I literally said in my post that I could see myself doing it on holiday or with a colleague).

This extremely misogynistic.

I would certainly have some advice for my younger self along the lines of not using sex for validation or trying to be a cool girl when it came to men!

Totally agree.

It's funny you argue that sex is a healthy thing to do. I agree, it is healthy in a comitted marraige.

Casual sex is heavily reliant on the entirety of our technocapitalist machinery - at the very least to disrupt our normal healthy functioning (which would be getting pregnant from the reproductive act) or again interfere with natural healthy function to kill the baby. Or treat chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, warts, syphilis, hiv, hepatitis or all the other unwanted side effects of casual sex. It's not great for the environment.

However, if she values herself, she won't offer herself to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Cracking bit of internalised misogyny there, thinking that women 'offer themselves' to random men as a commodity with a 'value', rather than having mutually enjoyable sex because they want to, with men they finds sexually attractive.

as men with s* anything with legs

Ah, the great Mumsnet myth that men are just attracted to all women, making an appearance there. Utter bullshit.

It's love, not hate.

No, it's not an "insane take". It's completely reasonable. How are we at the stage now where encouraging a woman to respect her body and choose her sexual partners carefully is insane? Causal sex risks being degrading and psychologically damaging for both sexes, but especially women. Why are we not encouraging sex within committed, loving relationships with people we know and trust?

And why does having casual sex involve a lack of respect?

I’ve had casual sex with women too: not sure who was using who in that situation 😉

I really enjoyed casual relationships with people who I found physically attractive but maybe wasn’t suited to having an actual relationship with. I was maybe lucky but most of the men I had ‘short term relationships’ with were quite good at making sure I was enjoying myself too. No regrets.

Depends how casual it is, whether it’s more fwb or one nighter. You can’t respect someone you know nothing about.