“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

That's true & I think they enjoy them more often, probably. Otoh most don't have them that much. I thunk on average women prefer relationships (which lesbians statistically are likely to be in) with many exceptions.

Agree

This was also said about women who left their husbands at one time.

Well, I didn't need to read details about your sex life in order for you to make that point, thanks.

Okay then, it makes sense that you minimise the role of orgasms, because you can't have them easily, so you have to just focus on what you can be assured - the pleasure of general sexual contact. So for you, the difference between casual sex and committed sex is pretty much non-existent - either way, you mightn't orgasm.

But for those who can orgasm reliably (perhaps multiple times) every sexual session, if they have the right stimulus and a committed sexual partner, then putting up with no orgasms in order to sleep with a random stranger would generally be a massive downgrade. What would be the appeal?

(And as an aside, it doesn't make sense that people keep acting as though having orgasms means you can't have the pleasure beforehand (and after). They're all saying, 'oh, what, do you need to have orgasms to enjoy sex?? Is that the only good part?? Don't you feel any pleasure beforehand??" It's nonsensical and defensive, frankly, and I'm sure no man would be asked that. Everyone would understand that, if it were possible, a man would absolutely prefer to orgasm during sex.)

It is a fact that sexual trauma or certain mental health issues can result in risky sexual behaviour. Do you seriously mean to argue with that?

ETA: This is clearly NOT saying that all women who partake in one night stands are suffering from those issues. Just that some will be.

If you can reliably orgasm easily, then ONS would be even more attractive, especially once you learn to be assertive enough to ask for what you want in bed.

If everyone is chasing orgasms all the time, it is no wonder a lot of people are so dissatisfied with their sex lives.

It isnt about putting up with no orgasms. I probably orgasm about half the time I have sex. I enjoy sex every time I have it, though.

Your ETA is the issue. Some women might be. Not most women. Assuming that a woman into ONS is therefore mentally ill is sexist.

Interesting takes. Personally I feel scared of having ONS because of the risks, not just STD but of violence and sexual violence. I wouldn't have a man I just met in my house any more, where I might have taken more risks in my 20's. I think that is a reason men go for younger women personally, they are naive to the dangers men pose.

A very valid point, but don’t overlook the fact most attacks take place within a family or from people known well. Depressing isn’t it?

As has been pointed out on this thread already, many women only feel safe, comfortable, or uninhibited enough to orgasm with partners they know and trust. Women can frequently be easily orgasmic with familiar partners, and anorgasmic with strangers, you understand.

I think for a lot of people, they're not chasing orgasms, they just have them as a standard part of the sexual experience when stimulated by a partner who knows the nuances of what they like. They enjoy them, and prefer when they are part of sex, because why wouldn't you want them in addition to everything else?

I think perhaps you have a skewed perspective, thanks to your history of yourself and your partners having difficulty climaxing.

It'd be like someone saying to you, "why are you always chasing the physical pleasure of non-orgasmic stimulation? Why don't you just enjoy the intimacy, and have sex that isn't physically pleasurable?? Perhaps people are so dissatisfied by sex because they're always chasing physical pleasure."

It sounds weird.

I don't think many people are assuming most women having one night stands are traumatised. There are plenty of women who enjoy one night stands who aren't driven by trauma or mental illness.

The way you speak about it makes it sound as if the only pleasure you receive is at orgasm so anything up to that is a waste of time. Orgasms last about a minute. The pleasure of stimulation lasts a lot longer. It seems weird to me to always forego that extended pleasure because I might not get one minute of intense pleasure.

Some of the reason I dont orgasm every time I have sex is because I am often interested in sex acts that wont lead to my orgasm but give me pleasure in a ton of other ways.

Indeed, however I wonder if that changes if you look for age of the female? I feel fairly confident under 30's women would take more risks with sexual partners, so isn't that about repeat exposure?

The way you speak about it makes it sound as if the only pleasure you receive is at orgasm

Lmao, well I don't know where you got that from. Hilarious.

Try gaining reading comprehension (and/or not ignoring what I've written in bad faith). Until you stop lying about what I've said, you're a waste of my time.

(Frankly, I'd bet money that you're a man based on other interactions I've had with you.)

ETA: To quote what I said up thread...

And as an aside, it doesn't make sense that people keep acting as though having orgasms means you can't have the pleasure beforehand (and after). They're all saying, 'oh, what, do you need to have orgasms to enjoy sex?? Is that the only good part?? Don't you feel any pleasure beforehand??" It's nonsensical and defensive, frankly, and I'm sure no man would be asked that. Everyone would understand that, if it were possible, a man would absolutely prefer to orgasm during sex.

I think maybe women are more wary these days really.We still run all the risks of getting pregnant or an STD .Men can have fun and walk away .Everyone is different of course .but I think most women would prefer a relationship, than for someone to walk away job done so to speak.Not long ago on here a lady who had 3 dates with a chap, and was getting on well .stayed over and was kicked out of bed and told to get a Taxi home! Felt very sorry for her.

🙄

When my first marriage broke up I had a wild couple of years having casual sex and it was bloody brilliant. But it’s taboo to admit it.

Any time I've given casual sex a go, It's been rubbish and I've felt empty afterwards. I've never orgasmed during it because they generally just don't care, do they? Or they make some pathetic effort before giving up. They however, always get what they want out of it.

So I don't do it for those reasons, not because I'm worried what people might think of me or anything like that.

Not read the full thread.

It’s looking liberating superficially but not in depth.

We are different from men, doing it like the guys and we will all be equal is bullshit.

Many women need an emotional connection much more than men do.

Even when we don’t want to build connection, our brain makes us want to bond after sex (I wish someone had explained it to me younger).

Also, the promise of sex is one of the most powerful motivators for men and one of the best tools women have at their disposal to influence men. The more men have casual sex on tap, the more they behave like AH and lower their standards.

Trivialising sex benefits men more than women. Always been the case, always will be.

I can understand young women these days were brought up with a more self-confident, self-centred approach and they have learned to prioritise their desire.

Yet, there are still so many young women who are vulnerable, who have low self-esteem, who want to fit, who yield to pressure, who want to be cool, who are going to go with this casual approach and get hurt.

And men will keep on cruising and using and abusing…

Why is it that “modern feminism” always ends up in the favour of men?

You wanted the power so you get it, and now … you’re in charge of your contraception, you will raise the children alone, now that you re empowered, you can do sex work, adopt kinks, have casual sex, do it like the men now that you re liberated -> you re actually more yielding to the patriarchy than ever before

It s very pick me girl too.

Yes, it's not usually highly beneficial for the women and comes with a lot of added risks that can make it harder to relax and orgasm. I think this is why by the age of 30 most women don't bother. 2 pumps and done springs to mind.

I don’t think what she said was appropriate but like many people here I don’t really enjoy casual sex. I don’t actually really start to fancy men unless I get to know them at least a bit . I don’t have to be in love with them or in a relationship with them to want sexual contact but I don’t fancy men until I know their personalities a bit, even very good looking men. I appreciate everyone is different and that there are plenty of women who would feel differently to me, in some ways I wish I knew what that was like to experience.

Why not try something new with someone who loves and cares for you? And sexual hunger is a want, not a need, whereas hunger for food is a need.
We don't need sex, we only want it. If you do not eat you will starve to death, if you do not have sex you will be fine, and many people are, because it's not something we need to have, unlike food. That difference underlies our control of sexual appetite so that it does not harm us or others.
If you treat wanting sex as a need - or worse, a right - you open the door to evil and wicked practices, kinks, fetishes becoming normalised and prostituting women becoming sex work, pornography becomes a human right (for some). We have already done that, sadly. That's why we have people who think ONS are fun, edgy, trying out a new thing etc rather than treating women as things to be fucked. A ONS - or a series of them - will teach you nothing about good sex or how to love someone, it's on the level of eating a takeaway rather than a banquet of homemade food. Sorry, graphic, but that's how it is.

What about other people around them? Is it ok if both partners are married to other people? If the sex results in pregnancy? We are not islands and making a sexual connection is deeply intimate leaving us always connected in some way to the other person. And what is consent? Sometimes women in particular are in the position of 'why say no?' rather than 'I want to say yes'. And just because you want to do something it doesn't mean you should do it even if no-one else is involved. It is treating your body as a thing, treating someone else as a thing - because we cannot see into someone else's mind - casual sex, continuous casual sex is psycholigically damaging because what humans crave is connection. ONS don't give that.
Loving, consensual sex with someone you love is far more fun than a series of ONS, and that series of ONS can damage the ability to make loving connections (just as being prostituted does).

You've nailed it. Thanks.

It's genuinely astonishing to a lot of people that women do not know this and know that casual sex only benefits men, not women. Women are not men and do not have the same emotional response to sex. Casual sex leaves an empty feel, a loss of connection. And the chances of an orgasm for a woman on a ONS are poor.