“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

If you read books like Virginia Nicholson's How Was It For You?, a lot of women who had ONSs in the 1960s didn't enjoy them much, at least some of the time. I agree some women did but it's misleading to accept the male-centric narrative that women who had casual sex all had a great time then.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Was-You-Women-Power/dp/0241242371

I know right. I can't believe some of the prehistoric attitudes on here (from some posters!) I don't get it. It's 2026, not 1926!

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Hah, fair enough! I was just very careful to only speak for myself as I have no wish to judge a woman for having a casual shag (most of us have been there) so when you asked that of my post, I was like, 'why are you asking me??'. My bad!

“Sorry aunty, not sure what sort of rubbish sex youve been having if that’s your take on how these things work.”

How does one choose the right partner for an ONS, or any initial sexual encounter? It’s luck of the draw, no?

Probably going to get flamed for this, but I do think that most women who have casual sex aren’t even orgasming - that’s certainly what research on the subject suggests. So then what are they getting out of it, if there is no emotional connection and no physical climax? Is the buzz being validated as sexually attractive by a man?

If you are a self confident, multi-orgasmic ONS loving woman, please don’t come from me as this obviously doesn’t apply to you!

But that’s the reality for many of us who cant have sex without an emotional connection first. I hate being celibate but I’ve just not met anyone since I’ve been single who I’ve felt enough of an attraction to want sex with them. I don’t even enjoy kissing someone I don’t really know let alone have sex.
Of course I’d love to meet someone and have a sex life again but it’s just not happened.

Well, that's a shame, but it's not the same for all. I had a number of ONS in my 20s before I met DH, and I enjoyed them all!

Also, the women in that 'study' were only a few compared to the millions of women having ONS.

I think some women want to believe that other women don't enjoy ONS. I've got bad news for those women. MANY WOMEN ENJOY ONS and always have done... Like in the present, and in the past......

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To be honest the ONS I had were just because I like sex, and I wanted sex in that moment.

But just because that’s the situation for you, does that mean that people who don’t have that issue shouldn’t have a ONS if they want one?

It's really sad to see the number of women who are laughing at and mocking women for having had bad sexual experiences with strangers.

Having had a mixture of good and bad, I can say that there's no way surefire way to tell beforehand whether a man is going to be a considerate partner, a very poor partner, or an intimidating boundary pusher or rapist.

So to be laughing at women who have had the bad luck of having bad experiences, or possibly borderline rape/actual rape experiences, and saying their attitude is because they're prudes, or because of trauma, is in VERY poor taste.

If you love and enjoy one night stands, and think women who aren't in favour of them are sad prudes who are to blame for picking bad partners, shouldn't you feel sorry for them, and understand why they might feel the way they do? Why the need to deride them, if you're having great fun with no downsides, and they had a shit time of it?

Even if you think they're being judgemental thanks to trauma etc, wouldn't you just feel sympathy for them, and secure in your fantastic experiences?

Where have I said it even implied that? In fact I’ve said the opposite that what consenting adults do is their business.

And to call wanting a connection before having sex ‘an issue’ actually sounds like you think there’s something with it tbh

MANY WOMEN ENJOY ONSs and always have done...

I mean, obviously that is true. However, that doesn't mean that ALL women enjoy ONS, or even the majority, or that ONS don't carry risks for women (many of which have been discussed on this thread) or that it's a good idea to pressurise women by calling them prudish and prehistoric if they don't enjoy ONS.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that women can make their own choices about the kind of sex they want, but at the same time they should be aware that there are downsides and risks. They should choose for themselves, authentically, rather than feeling that they have to enjoy sex this way because other people are telling them it's natural and great.

Women are not small men. We are wired differently, our sexuality is motivated differently, our bodies work differently. Again, your individual experience may vary, but it's incredibly common and completely normal for women to not get anything much positive out of ONS.

I would add that the version of sexuality that is currently promoted as 'normal' is actually very violent, ugly, and degrading to both men and women, and a big part of the reason why young people are having less sex than ever in recorded history. It no longer looks fun and exciting; it looks fucking scary. Especially for women, but also for men.

This thread is baffling to be honest. I know some people like an emotional connection before sex. Others aren’t bothered. You responded to my post asking if people who aren’t in relationships shouldn’t have sex with ‘but that’s the reality for some of us’. I mean… so what? That’s not what this thread is about.

So the men you know who have ons have mental health issues (or just the women)?

Which is fine, same for me, but that doesn’t mean its the right thing for anyone else, theres only the right way for each individual person, so it will vary hugely.

It’s ok if you want to use their body and be done with them too. Both people need to know that’s the situation. The problems arise when that’s not actually what you want and you are hoping casual sex will lead to more

Sorry, bad maths there! Someone in their 60s would have come of age in the 70s & 80s. Surely shaming was still a thing then? At least to some extent?

There’s a lot of dichotomous thinking on this thread: either you ‘like sex’ (and therefore have lots of ONS) or you are a prude. It’s just an inversion of the old Madonna/whore archetype, and there is nothing progressive about this way of thinking.

I actually think it’s great that young women are critiquing the hook up culture and approaching things like ONS with a healthy dose of scepticism. It’s right that when women are being asked to put their bodies on the line they ask ‘what’s in it for me?’. To my mind this is a step forward, a necessary corrective to the excesses of the sexual revolution and not a regression into the slut-shaming of old.

The incentives, risks and rewards are completely different for men. We are not the same.

I've probably gone a bit that way. Never been one for casual sex, but not against it in principle. I don't think women shouldn't have casual sex because of moral reasons (as in I think it's fine that they do). But I think that there's a subset of men who view sex as something you do to women, not as a thing you do together. Rather than viewing them as a person with as much value as them. And I think there are men who won't be honest about their intentions - and use the promise of more to get sex out of women who do want more, while the men are fully aware of this.

Yes, both men and women can enjoy casual sex. But I think we've maybe got a bit simplistic in saying it's just sex. Sometimes it is, but we can unwittingly give a piece of our heart away.

So in that sense it can absolutely be about being used. But it's not about being used as in 'used up' for not being chaste. Those are two very different things and yes, I don't approve of the latter attitude!

It was a massive thing in the 70s, 80s, 90s and I would argue it's still a huge thing now.

But it's not just being shamed for having or liking sex. Women are also shamed for not being more male in our sexuality. You can see it on this thread. Those who have said they don't enjoy ONS are told that they are prudish and prehistoric. People have been shamed for being rape victims and for not being able to magically tell who will be a good sexual partner.

I don't think you can win this game, as a woman. You will be told that if you don't have casual sex, you're old fashioned and prudish. And if you do, you'll be told that you only have yourself to blame if the encounter ended in assault, or hurt feelings, or injuries.

This thread seems to be going the the same road as usual, women are delicate little flowers who dont know their own minds and cant possibly make a decision to have sex with someone they just met.
Oh they must have mental health problems!!
Why does everything come down to that?
Some people (women) are actually capable of having the sex life they want without the smelling salts coming out!!

Just the women of course. 🙄

Exactly. I'm done to be honest. The attitude (from some) towards women who enjoy sex - even with strangers on one night stands - is awful. SO antiquated, and misogynistic, and bloody offensive!

I'm done on the thread now.