“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

Erm, that means you would logically believe the same thing if a woman is raped by a ONS – whether you meant to give away that belief or not, the same reasoning applies.

"Oh, that's on you for picking the wrong partner, love."

WTF.

Exactly.

Otoh I think some 19yos do but I still think it's better not to. I'm 20 fwiw. I'm pretty confident but I just feel happier with sex within relationships so I stick to that. And that's in the context of dating women.

If I were dating men casual sex would be automatically off the cards because the disgusting stuff you hear about choking with no prior warning. Don't people realise that one second of being deprived of oxygen can cause permanent brain damage? It's insane. Unfortunately porn has made sex very unsafe for straight women in casual encounters, even if they'd otherwise want it.

Good analogy!

I can see both sides but I have not met a person who told me they have ons that doesn't have some other mental health issues going

Yes there are people who have them and are perfectly happy to do it ans it causes no issues

So it would depend

I haven't read all the responses, but enough to get a feel for the thread I think.

And those people objecting to ONS mostly seem to be doing so on the basis that they, personally, have not enjoyed them/would not enjoy them.

And I don't see why that's a reason to object to them, or counsel other women not to have them!

I have no interest in playing golf. Never tried it, but know enough about it to feel confident it wouldn't appeal.

I would NEVER counsel another woman, be she a younger relative or a stranger on the internet, to avoid golf.

All women are different, and we all like different things.

I have had stages of my life where I have found ONS absolutely great fun. Liberating, confidence building, adventurous, enjoyable.

I'm confident enough in sex (now, wasn't always) to ask for things I enjoy, so I usually found them physically gratifying and was often able to orgasm.

Indeed, until I was in my late 30s, and after two marriages, it remained true that technically the best sex I had ever had, was with a ONS partner. I was shyer at that point and sometimes didn't feel confident enough expressing my needs with guys I really liked - but because I knew this was only ever going to be a ONS, I told him exactly how to please me - he did just that, and very skilfully as it happened - it was mind-blowing! And I have friends who have also told me their best sex was with a casual partner.

I've since developed the confidence to bring that energy to all the sex I have, whether in a LTR or not, and consequently have inevitably started having even better sex, with my best ever now being with my current partner, with whom I can communicate more freely and honestly about sex than with anybody else I have ever met.... .. But my point is, if you tell someone what you want, and they are happy to do it, the sex is likely to be good whether it's a ONS OR an LTR. It's entirely fallacious to suggest that all guys having ONS don't give a fuck about the woman's pleasure, whereas all guys in LTRs massively prioritise it ....

Anyway, I digress. The point it, a fully consensual ONS harms nobody. So if a woman wants to have one, why the fuck shouldn't she?

To suggest that they are harming the women having them, in some super-subtle way these women don't realise, is to suggest that you know people you have never met, better than they know themselves.....

So you were born in the 70s? Wasn't shaming a thing in the 90s or 2000s though? That's not the full impression I have..

Well no, because rape by definition is non-consensual and therefore, it can never be a choice made by the victim.

But what did people do before marriage was invented?

Exactly, that post was v unfair imo.

I'm not telling ANYONE what to do, so I'm not sure where you're getting that from?

I simply said how I feel. Me, personally, about my own experiences and preferences.

You can feel free to do what YOU like, as I made no judgement on it.

No-one in their 60s was born in the 1970s!

Ah, thank you. You may be right about this, but my understanding is that men actually produce a version of oxytoxin called vasopressin, which is most highly concentrated before orgasm and then dissipates quickly afterwards. So while technically oxytocin is present, it is not functioning in the same way as it does in females, as a bonding hormone. It is more of a motivator to get to orgasm. (This may account for various old saws about when to ask men to do things for you. Also the Meatloaf classic, Paradise by the Dashboard Lights ;))

I also understand that men produce more actual oxytoxin when in a loving relationship, but not necessarily in casual/ons relationships. Which, again, makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.

I may be wrong about this. The article you shared is vague on this particular issue. I do know that male and female sexuality is wired differently, though. (And again, I'm talking in generalities. I know individuals can and do differ from the norm.)

I don’t agree with moralising judgey-pants attitude, but I do think that - on a pragmatic basis - casual sex is just not going to be worth it for most women.

Having sex with a stranger involves risking pregnancy, disease, violence, as well as the probable emotional hangover. And what do we get in return, for taking these risks? Too often, nothing. A disappointing fumble with a man who couldn’t find the clitoris even if you drew a diagram for him. The risk/benefit ratio just doesn’t work. I’d rather a night in with a dildo personally.

I was just responding to the people saying ‘I can have all that in my marriage’. That’s fab! And I do too, now I’m married. But before I was married, I was perfectly happy being single. I just wanted sex with people I found attractive.

I am afraid I (Gen Z) would advise no ONS. Unless maybe with someone you know really well. Too many young men are choking women without warning and this can lead to permanent brain damage from even 1 second of oxygen deprivation. I'm sorry to say this, & most men don't do that, but it is a significant minority.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/07/no-safe-way-risks-of-choking-during-sex#:~:text=7%20months%20old-,%27There%20is%20no%20safe%20way%20to%20do%20it%27:%20the,Prefer%20the%20Guardian%20on%20Google

Nope. I'm sorry. Logically speaking, if you think a woman is to blame for 'picking a poor sex partner' (AKA being magically able to tell if he's good in bed or not) then you must think she's capable of telling whether or not someone is a rapist, and is to blame for picking them.

Either that, or you'll have to admit that you realise women cannot be to held to blame for 'picking a poor sex partner'.

Yes that's true for all of those. Safety especially. And even when you look at female-female pairings where those risks are absent or much reduced, casual sex is less due to preferring emotional connection.

Maybe pp was implying that if a casual sex partner is bad you should wrap up the encounter early? I agree it's hard to tell if someone will know what to do.

Okay?

You asked me, "Should you just not have sex, even though you want it and find someone attractive?" and I'm saying you should do what you want. I was just talking about how my views on ONSs for myself have evolved since being married.

Fine if the woman (and man) wants casual sex and enjoys it.

Though sometimes I think it can work out unhappily in my experience.

The only one night stand I had, I didn't realise it was a one night stand until after. Had been quite a bit of build up, chatting and flirting so when I went back to his house and we had sex I thought it was the start of a relationship. The sex was fine but being given the brush off in the days afterwards (stupid me, took me a while to get the message) was absolutely gutting. I thought i was having sex with my new boyfriend not a ONS. Eek.

Many years later one of my best friends got divorced. Her ex was seeing someone else pretty quickly. She was determined that she would get over him and went out partying and clubbing a lot and ending up in bed with blokes she'd just met. Then crying in the days after because they hadn't wanted to see her again (or worse still took her number but then didn't call) and she "felt used". I did ask once if she at least enjoyed the sex and she said no she was always too drunk.

Good on you for those who know what they want and enjoy it. Isn't it a bit ... dangerous though to put yourself in such a vulnerable position, naked and isolated with a strange bloke?

Going back to some random blokes place or shagging wherever private where you know nothing about him is playing Russian roulette with safety

We can dress it up anyway want but no doesn't seem sensible

Someone you know through work or friends over time and then sleep with them is another thing

I hope so. But that was the logical inference to take from their comment. I certainly hope they didn't mean it that way, but then they shouldn't blame and shame women for having had poor experiences either!!

And after all, how many women would feel safe withdrawing sexual satisfaction when alone with an aroused, eager strange man at the last moment?

It was a general question, in the context of a pages long thread with multiple views. You’re taking it very personally.
I also wouldn’t have a ONS now I’m married, so I guess we agree there!

Oh there is nothing nicer than a good friendly shag . Nobody is upset , both pleased with yourselves and no harm done.
Those were the days ...😜